
Book jB 



^ 



l'^<^Z 



> 



BARTON'S 

COMIC RECITATIONS ' 



AND 



HUMOBOUS DIALOGUES. 



CONTAINING 



A VARIETY OF COMIC RECITATIONS IN PROSE AND POETRY, 
AMUSING DIALOGUES, BURLESQUE SCENES, ECCEN- 
TRIC ORATIONS AND STUMP SPEECHES, 
HUMOROUS INTERLUDES, AND 
LAUGHABLE FARCES. 

DESIGNED FOB 

SCHOOL COMMENCEMENTS AND AMATEUR THEATRICALS. 



EDITED BY 

JEEOME BAETON, 



NEW YORK: 

DICK & FITZGEEALD, PUBLISHEES. 

7- 



5\ 



^^fe* 



.'V 



Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1868, 

By DICK & FITZGERALir-, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the South- 



ern District of New York. . 



Payne Brothkrr, 

Ek'ctrotypcrs and Stcrcotypers, 

20 Spruce Street. 



COJ^TEI^TS 



': PAGE 

.^ Introduction , 5 

Prologue 7 

The Stage-struck Hero , 9 

Here she goes— and there she goes 11 

Pastor M'Knock's Address 15 

Old Sugar's Cou-rtship 18 

The Ba^chelor's Reasons for taking a Wife 21 

The Spanish Valet and the Waiting Maid 22 

The Jackdaw of Rheims 25 

Jonathan and the Englishmen 29 

Artemus Ward's Trip to Richmond 30 

The Auctioneer and the Lawyer 32 

Mr. and Mrs. Skinner 34 

The Bachelor and the Bride 39 

The Drunkard and his Wife 42 

A Western Lawyer's Plea against the Fact 43 

Reading a Tragedy 44 

Cast-off Garments 45 

H^ow TO Cure a Cough 48 

The Soldier's Return 49 

The Countrymen and the Ass 51 

Come and Go 53 

How THEY Pop the Question 54 

The Clever Idiot 56 

The Knights ; or, both Right and both Yv'rong 57 

How the Lawyer got a PatrcTn Saint 60 

Josh Billings on Laughing 61 

The Night after Christmas 62 

A Change of System 64 

The Citizen and the Thieves 90 

Boggs's Dogs '. 91 

3 



4 CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

The Smack in School 92 

The Tinker and the Miller's Daughter , 93 

An Original Parody 95 

The Parsons and the Corkscrew 96 

The Old Gentleman who Married a Young Wife 97 

The Stage-struck Darkey 101 

Goody Grim versus Lapstone 104 

The Woman of Mind 109 

Nursery Reminis cences Ill 

A Martyr to Science 113 

Lodgings for Single Gentlemen. .» 132 

The Parmer and the Counsellor 134 

The Pugilists 135 

How Pat saved his Bacon 138 

The Irish Drummer 140 

Mike Hooter's Bear Story 141 

The Critic 145 

Mr. Caudle wants a " Latch-key " 147 

Humbugging a Tourist \bO 

The Widow*s Victim 164 

Josh Billings on the Mulp 170 

The Tinker and the Glazier 171 

Wonderful Dream 174 

A New Occasional Address 175 

An Occasional Prologue 176 

Address on Closing a Performance 177 

A Prologue • 177 

]pPIL0GUE 179 

Finale 180 



nTTEODUOTIOK 



WEEPlNa Philosopliers there were of old, 

Down whose long faces tears incessant rolled, 

Fellows whose eyes, like mountain torrents' beds, 

Ean o'er with freshets from their fountain heads — 

Water deciding then — as now we see, ^ 

Each body's true specific gravity. 

If of that whimpering sect one wretch remain 

This book will cure his " water on the brain," 

Or change its source, and irrigate his eyes 

With gushes born of laughter, not of sighs. 

The widow Niobe, of bygone years, 

Whom the gods literally " dissolved in tears," 

Beading this volume would her woes have spumed, 

Or, her grief lightened, to a rainbow turned ! 

Culled from all sources, here the fiowers of wit. 
Into a garland for the gay are knit, 
And blossoms Humor in his chaplet weaves, 
Lend an enrapturing richness to the leaves. 
Not ancient quirks from Joseph Miller's mill, ' 
But bran-new jests, the sparkling pages fill ; 
Puns that would make an undertaker smile, 
Or cheer a miser who had lost his pile ; 
Stories so full of fun, the veriest bore 
Must catch their point, and, tickled by it, roar ; 

5 



INTRODUCTION. 

Dramatic scenes, that in the evening read. 
Will send the hearer side-shaken to bed ; 
Speeches, reported by the Comic Muse, 
That fire all Laughter's batteries like a fuse, 
And rhythmic hits, so whimsical and terse 
That Satire's self seems grinning from each verse. 

" Business is business ; " but its toil and care, 

By Mirth unlightened, who on earth could bear ? 

The day-fight o'er, its turmoil and its fret. 

The mind, unharrassed, hastens to forget, 

And the heart — torpid 'mid the jostling throng — 

Bounds to the touch of Humor, Wit and Song. 

Then turn the gas on, close the shutters tight, 

Part the blank darkness from the inner light, 

And cabined snugly in the Social Ark, 

Set sail with Momus for your Patriarch. 

This book's his chart, and stand by it and him 

On seas of merriment prepare to swim., 

With sheets outspread, a joyous household band. 

Bound, with ligh hearts, to Laughter's happy land. 

But, " hold, enough ! " the nervous reader cries, 
This preface long detains me from the prize. 
Good wines no " bush " to advertise them, need, 
And wit, if genuine, for itself can plead. 
Righi?, reader, right ! Adieu, proceed alone, 
The book's before you — exit chaperone. 

J. B. 



PEOLOGUE 

TO AN evening's ENTERTAINMENT TAKEN FROM THIS BOOK. 



The Court's assembled — no grave court of law 
With critic ears for every verbal flaw, 
But a gay group whose menibers every oiie 
Have vowed allegiance to immortal Fun, 
Nor mean — we see it in your eyes — to blame 
The Junior Counsel speaking in his name. 

We shall not cite a Marshall or a Kent 
For musty rule or solemn precedent ; 
Our pleasant pleas on merrier grounds we base, 
For on your risibles we rest our case. 
Mirth is our client, and our action lies 
Against the demons of the realm of sighs. 
These we would nonsuit, and to gain our cause 
We only ask, for verdict, your applause ! 
Smile on our efforts then, our zeal 'twill fan, 
And throw a laugh in, sometimes, if you can. 
We're up for trial — may the Comic elves 
Help us work credit to acquit ourselves. 

Wit's vadi 7necum unto court we've brought, 
Brimful of antidotes to tristful thought. 
And as these recipes for gloom we quote — 
Odd as the tints in Joseph's motley coat — 



8 PROLOGUE. 

If we should fail to read witli accent true, 
Laugh at the text, and give to thai it's due. 

The court being ready — may it please the court 
To hear the plaintiffs make their light report. 
Our book's so full of quips in prose and rhyme, 
Drawn from a source " one step from the sublime," 
We scarcely know what readings to select, 
For gems while choosing, gems we must reject. 
Would that our lips were like the fairy girl's 
That dropt, when opened, solitaires and pearls — 
Then should Wit's jewels, polished, rich and clear, 
Dropped from our mouths, find grace in every ear. 

No more o' that — here let excuses rest ; 
To wing the hours with joy we'll do our best. 
Friends are our audience — not sardonic pokes 
Who make a practice of dissecting jokes. 
And ** accent," " gesture," ** attitude," discuss, 
Of honor minus^ but of humbug 'plus, 
Grood-natured faces on all sides we see, 
Beady to titter at each jeu cVes'prxt^ 
And knowing these to genial hearts akin 
We'll close our prologue, and at once begin. 



BA'RTOWS 

COMIC RECITATIONS 



AND 



HUMOROUS DIALOGUES. 



THE STAGE -STEUCK HEEO. 

ANONYMOUS. 

A STAGE-STRUCK hero while at home, 

His Zanga ofL would roar ; 
One day the servant-maid did come 

And gently ope'd the door. 

" Woman, away ! " aloud he cries, 

*' I wish to be alone." 
" I bpg your pardon," she replies, 

*' There's one below unknown." 

He seized her hand, and that with speed, 

" Oh, Isabella, dear ! 
In tears ! thou fool ! " '' Not I indeed ! 

I seldom shed a tear." 

" But what's the meaning of all this ! " 
" I'll tell thee." '' Well, sir, well I " 

" But ! be thou plunged in hell's abyss 
" If it thou e'er shouldst tell ! " 



10 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

" You terrify me, sir. Oh, Lord ! 

What can the secret be I 
I'll never tell — upon ray word ! 

No, never ! you shall see ! 

'' What is it, sir ? I long to know." 
" Know, then, I hate Alonzo! " 

" I understand — that man below ; 
How dare he trouble me so V 

Away she went, and in good truth 

The man began to blame ; 
In the meantime our spouting youth 

Kichard the Third became. 

" Here will I pitch my tent ! " he cries, 

And on the sofa stretch'd ; 
The servant-maid again appeared, 

For she his breakfast fetched. 

'' Give me a horse — bind up my wounds ! " 

He, jumping up, did call; 
The woman, startled at the sounds, 

Let all the tea-things fall ! 

In came the man, who having said, 

" Buckram, sir, I am ; " 
*' Off with his head ! " he cries aloud — 

" So much for Buckingham ! " 

The man jump'd back, the woman scream'd, 

For both were sore afraid, 
A bedlamite our spouter seem'd. 

And like Octavian said — 

" I cannot sleep ! " " And wherefore pray 1 " 
" The leaves are newly puird ! " 

This said, the woman walk'd away 
Until his frenzy cool'd. 

But Buckram gave his bill, and so 
He was resolved to stay ; 



HERE SHE GOES AND THERE SHE GOES. 11 

" m hug on't, will glut on't ! "— '•' Oh, no, 
I'd rather, sh*, you'd pay ! " 

" Reptile ! " — the exclamation shocks ; 

Great were the tailor's fears ; 
'' I'll dash thy body o'er the rocks ! " 

The man pulled out his shears. 

" I'll grapple with thee thus," he cried — 

And soon the shears he won ; 
The tailor was so terrified, 

That he thought fit to run. 



HEEE SHE GOES— AND THEEE SHE GOES. 

NACl 

Two Yankee wags, one summer day. 
Stopped at a tavern on their way ; 
Supped, frolicked, late retired to rest, 
And woke to breakfast on the best. 

The breakfast over, Tom and Will 

Sent for the landlord and the bill ; 

Will looked it over ; '' Very right — 

But hold I what wonder meets my sight 1 

Tom ! the surprise is quite a shock ! " 

" What wonder 1 where V ' •' The clock ! the clock ! '' 

Tom and the landlord in amaze 
Stared at the clock with stupid gaze, 
And for a moment neither spoke ; 
At last the landlord silence broke : 

'' You mean the clock that's ticking there 1 

I see no wonder, I declare ; 

Though may be, if the truth were told, 

'Tis rather ugly — somewhat old ; 

Yet time it keeps to half a minute, 

But, if you please, what wonder's in it ? " 



12 COMIC KECITATIONS. 

'* Tom, don't you recollect," said Will, 

'' The clock in Jersey near the mill, 

The very image of this present, 

With which I won the wager pleasant 1 " 

Will ended with a knowing wink — 

Tom scratched his head, and tried to think. 

*' Sir, begging pardon for inquiring," 

The landlord said, with grin admiring, 

*' What wager was it "i " 

'' You remember, 
It happened, Tom, in last December, 
In sport I bet a Jersey Blue 
That it was more than he could do, 
To make his finger go and come 
In keeping with the pendulum, 
Repeating, till one hour should close, 
Still ' here she goes — and there she goes '— 
He lost the bet in half a minute." 

*' Well, if I would, the deuce is in it ! " 
Exclaimed the landlord; ''try me yet, 
And fifty dollars be the bet." 
*' Agreed, but we will play some trick 
To make you of the bargain sick ! " 
*' I'm up to that ! " 

*' Don't make us wait ; 
Begin, the clock is striking eight." 
He seats himself, and left and right 
His finger wags with all his might, 
And hoarse his voice, and hoarser grows, 
With " here she goes — and there she goes ! " 

*' Hold ! " said the Yankee, " plank the ready ! " 
The landlord wagged his fingers steady, 
While his left hand, as well as able, 
Conveyed a purse upon the table. 
" Tom, with the money let's be off! '* 
This made the landlord only scoff; 



HERE SHE GOES AND THERE SHE GOES. 13 

He heard them running down the stair, 
But was not tempted from his chair; 
Thought ho, " The fools ! Ill bite them yet ! 
So poor a trick shan't win the bet." 
And loud and loud the chorus rose 
Of " here she goes — and there she goes ! " 
While right and left his finfrer swung, 
In keeping to his clock and tongue. 

His mother happened in, to see 

Her daughter : '' Where is Mrs. B 1 



When will she come, as you suppose 1 
Son ! " 

'• Here she goes — and there she goes J " 
'' Here ! where 1 " — the lady in surprise 
His finger followed wixh her eyes ; 
'' Son, why that steady gaze and sad 1 
Those words — that motion — are you mad 1 
But here's your wife — perhaps she knows, 
And "— 

" Kere sle goes — and there she goes /" 

His wife surveyed him with alarm, 
And rushed to him and seized his arm ; 
He shook her off, and to and fro 
His fingers persevered to go. 
While curled his very nose with ire, 
That she against him should conspire, 
And with more furious tone arose 
The '' here she goes — and there she goes .'" 

" Lawks ! " screamed the wife, " I^m in a whirl ! 
Run down and bring the little girl ; 
She is his darling, and who knows 
But"— 

*•' Here she goes — and there she goes ! " 

" Lawks ! he is mad ! What made him thus 1 
Good Lord! what will become of us 1 
Run for a doctor — run — run — run — 
For Doctor Brown, and Doctor Dun, 



14 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

And Doctor Black, and Doctor White, 
And Doctor Grey, with all your might." 

The doctors came, and looked and wondered, 

And shook their heads, and paused and pondered, 

Till one proposed he should be bled, 

'' No — leached you mean," the other said — 

" Clap on a bhster," roared another, 

*' No — cup him " — " No — trepan him, brother ! " 

A sixth would recommend a purge, 

The next would an emetic urge, 

The eighth, just come from a dissection, 

His verdict gave for an injection ; 

The last produced a box of pills, 

A certain care for earthly ills; 

'' I had a patient yesternight," 

Quoth he, "and wretched was her plight, 

And as the only means to save her. 

Three dozen patent pills I gave her, 

And by to-morrow, I suppose 

That "— 

" Here she goes — and there she goes ! " 

" You all are fools," the lady said. 

The way is, just to shave his head. 

Run, bid the barber come anon" — 

" Thanks, mother," thought her clever son, 

" You help the knaves that would have bit me, 

But all creation shan't outwit me ! " 

Thus to himself, while to and fro 

His finger perseveres to go. 

And from his lips no accent flows 

But '' here she goes — a7td there she goes ! " 

The barber came — "■ Lord help him ! what 

A queer customer I've got ; 

But we must do our best to save him — 

So hold him, gemmen, while I shave him! " 

But here the doctors interpose — 

*' A woman never " — 

" There she goes I " 



PASTOR m'kNOCK'S ADDRESS. 15 

" A woman is no judge of physic, 

Not even when her baby is sick. 

He must be bled " — " No — no — a blister" — 

" A purge you mean " — '' I say a clyster " — 

" No — cup him " — '' leach him " — " pills ! pills ! pills ! " 

And all the house the uproar fills. 

What means that smile 7 What means that shiver ? 

The landlord's limbs with rapture quiver, 

And triumph brightens up his face — 

His finger yet shall win the race ! 

The clock is on the stroke of nine — 

And up he starts — 'Tis mine ! 'tis mine ! " 

" What do you mean 1 " 

'' I mean the fifty ! 
I never spent an hour so thrifty ;. 
But you, who tried to make me lose, 
Go, burst with envy, if you choose ! 
But how is this ! Where are they 1 " 

" Who 1 " 
" The gentlemen — I mean the two 
Came yesterday — are they below 7 " 
'' They galloped off an hour ago." 
" Oh, purge me ! bhster shave and bleed ! 
For, hang the knaves, I'm mad indeed ! " 



PASTOR M'KNOCK'S ADDEESS. 

ANONYMOUS. 

Good, honest Parson John M'Knock, 
Had long observed, with grief, his flock 
Were getting fond, from day to day, 
Of mixing whiskey with their clay. 
To cure this ill, he thought it right 
Some admonition to indite. 
Which, from the pulpit he might lance, 
Against this horrid sin's advance. 



COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Now John himself loved whiskey toddy 

As well as any other body ; 

So prudence told him to beware, 

And use his censure with great care ; 

Lest, while another's faults were shown, 

He indirectly whipp'd his own. 

Thus thoughts he turn'd with greatest care, 

Himself more than his flock to spare. 

John, every fear and danger scorning, 

Spoke boldly thus one Sunday morning : 

*' My dearest brethren, I would fain 

Save ye and my ainsel' the pain 

Of preaching t'ye of a sin 

That maist o' ye hae tumbled in, 

And that's in vary truth na less 

Than sottish, wicked drunkenness. 

I preach na, friends against the use, 

But solely 'gainst the gross abuse 

Of rich good gen'rous Highland whiskey, 

Which makes ye, if na daft, owre frisky ; 

And then ye fa' intil a gin 

The deil sets to catch sinners in. 

Now, i' the morning when ye rise, 

I see na reason t' despise 

A wee sup, just to put to richt 

The feelings of the former nicht ; 

But then, my brethren, I'm a thinking, 

I wad na hae ye always drinking 1 

*' Then after breakfast, just in order 

To keep the stomach frae disorder, 

And mak' the fish and eggs agree 

Wi' marmalade and cakes and tea, 

I'd hae ye tak' especial care, 

Na to neglect a little mair ; 

And, as there ne'er can be a question 

But whiskey helps a man's digestion, 

I'd have ye sip at ony time 

A sraa' wee drap afore ye dine ; 



PASTOR M'kNOCK'S ADDRESS 17 

But tak' ye special care o' thinking 
That I wud hae ye always drinking ! 

" Then after dinner very soon, 
And just to keep the victual doon, 
And up the gay joy of the feast, 
I'd hae ye tak' a gill at least ; 
But mind and dunna noo be thinking 
I recommend ye always drinking ! 
And i' the afternoon, d'ye see, 
Mix still a wee drap wi' your tea ; 
This practice is o' muckle service, 
And certainly makes tea less nervous ; 
But dinna ye, my friends, be thinking 
By this I'd hae ye always drinking ! 
Pray ne'er neglect, whate'er be said, 
A noggin 'fore ye gang to bed ; 
Ye'll sleep the sounder a' the nicht, 
And wake refresh'd at morning licht. 
So this, my friends, I think we may 
Indulge in safely ev'ry day-; 
But dinna always be a thinking 
That I w^ud hae ye always drinking ! 

'^ So but confine yoursels to this, 
And naething will be much amiss ; 
And recollect that men of sense 
Still use the greatest temperance. 
Bear this in mind, and ye'll stand fair to 
Escape some ills that man is heir to, 
And by this plan your doctor's bill 
Will lighter be for draught and pill. 
'Tis true expenses will increase, 
For beef and mutton, ducks and geese, 
But stomachs must hae mony faults 
That like na sic food mair than salts. 
Few men wud rather, that can chuse, 
toieir siller spend in drugs than shoes. 
But every day, if you get foo, 
Depend upon't, at last ye'll rue. 



18 COMIC KECITATIONS. 

Woe to the man in youthful prime, 
That wastes his siller thus, and time; 
He'll sair repent and wail the day, 
When time has turned his locks to gray. 
So tak' na mair o' drink or food 
Than what will do the body good : 
Of my advice but mak' a proof, 
And then ye'll dee quite weel enough." 



OLD SUGAR'S COUETSHIP. 

ROBB. 

" The ony objection ever made to me in this arr county, 
as a legislatur', was made by the wimmin' 'cause I war a 
bachelor y and I never told you afore why I r^-mained in the 
state of number one — no fellar stays single /??'€-meditated, 
and, in course, a handsum fellar like me, who all the gals 
declar' to be as enticin' as a jay bird, warn't goin' to stay 
alone, ef he could help it. 

" I did see a creatur' once, named Sofy MciHoUy up the Cum- 
berland, nigh unto Nashville, Tennes-5^^, that I took an or- 
ful hankerin' arter, and I sot in to lookin* anxious fur mat- 
rimony, and gin to go reglar to meetin', and took to dressin' 
tremengeous finified, jest to see ef I could get her good 
opinion. She did git to lookin' at me, and one day, comin' 
from meetin', she was takin' a look at me a kind of shy, 
just as a boss does at something he's scared at, when arter 
champin' at a distance far awhile, I sidled up to her, and 
blarted out a few words about the sarmin' — she said yes, but 
cuss me ef I knew whether that war the right answer or 
not, I'm a thinkin' she didn't know then, nuther ! Well, we 
larfed and talked a little all the way along to her daddy's, 
and thar I gin her the best bend I had in me, and raised 
my bran new hat as peert and ;>6r-lite as a minister, lookin' 
all the time so enticin' that I sot the gal tremblin'. Her old 
daddy had a powerful numerous lot of healthy niggers, and 



OLD sugar's courtship. 19 

lived right adjiniii' iny place, while on to'ther side lived Jake 
Simons — a sneakin', cute varmint, who war wusser than a 
miser for stinginess ; and no sooner did this cussed sarpint 
see me sidlin' up to Sofy, than he went to slikin' up too, and 
sot himself to work to cut me out. That arr wur a struggle 
ekill to the battle of Orleans. Furst sum new fixup of Jake's 
would take her eye, and then I'd sport suthin' that would 
outshine him, until Jake at last gin in tryin' to outdress me, 
and sot thinkin' of suthin' else. Our farms wur just the 
same number of acres, and we both owned three niggers 
apiece. Jake knew that Sofy and her dad kept a sharp eye 
out fur the main chance, so he thort he'd clar me out by 
buyin' another nigger ; but I jest foller'd suit, and bought 
one the day arter he got his, so he had no advantage thar ; 
he then got a cow^ and so did I, and jest about then both on 
our pusses gin out. This put Jake to his wit's eend, and I 
war a wunderin' what in the yearth he would try next. 

" We stood so, hip and thigh, fur about two weeks, both 
on us talkin' sweet to Sofy, whenever we could get her alone. 
I thort I seed that Jake, the sneakin' cuss, wur gittin' a mite 
ahead of me, 'cause his tongue wur so ily ; howsever, I didn't 
let on, but kept a top eye on him. One Sunday mornin' I 
wur a leetle mite late to meetin', and when I got thar, the 
first thing I seed war Jake Simons, sittin' close bang up 
agin Sofy, in the same pew with her daddy ! 

" I biled a spell with wrath, and then tarned sour ; I could 
taste myself! Thar they wur, singin' himes out of the same 
book. Je-e-eminy, fellers, I war so enormous mad that the 
new silk handkercher round my neck lost its color ! 

" Arter meetin', out they walked, linked arms, a smilin' and 
lookin' as pleased as a young couple at thar furst christenin', 
and Sofy tarned her cold shoulder at me so orful pinted, that 
I wilted down, and gin up right straight — Jake had her, 
thar wur no disputin' it I I headed toward home, with my 
hands as fur in my trousers pockets as I could push 'em, 
swarin' all the way that she war the last one would ever git 
a chance to rile up my feelin's. Passin' by Jake's plantation, 



20 



COMIC RECITATIONS. 



I looked over tlie fence, and thar stood an explanation of 
the matter, riglit facin' the road whar every one passin' 
could see it — his consarned coio was tied to a stake in the 
gardin' with a most jiromisin^ calf along side of her I That calf 
jest soured my milk, and made Sofy think, that a feller who 
Avar allays gittin' ahead like Jake, wur a right smart chance 
for a lively husband ! What is a cussed sight wusser than 
gittin' Sofy, war the fact, that he borrowed that calf the night 
'before. from Dick Hardley I Arter the varmint got Sofy hitched 
he told the joke all over the settle-ment, and the boys never 
seed me arterwards that they didn't ba-ah at me fur lettin' 
a calf cut me out of a gal's affections. I'd a shot Jake, but 
I thart it war a free country, and the gal had a right to her 
choice without bein' made a widder, so I jest sold out and 
travelled ! '^ 



THE BACHELOE'S EEASONS EOE TAKING A 

WIFE. 

ANONYMOUS. 

Grave authors say and witty poets sing, 

That honest wedlock is a glorious thing; 

But depth of judgment most in him appears, -afc^-' 

AVho wisely weds in his maturer years. 

Then let him choose a damsel young and fair, 

To bless his age, and bring a worthy heir ; 

To sooth his cares, and free from noise and strife, 

Conduct him gently to the verge of life ; 

Let sinful bachelors their woes de[)lore, 

Full well they merit all they feel, and more ; 

Unawed by precepts, human and divine, 

Like birds and beasts, promiscuously they join ; 

Nor know to make the present blessing last, 

To hopo the future, or esteem the past ; 

But vainly boast the joys they never tried, 

And find divulged the secrets they would hide. 

The mar lied man may bear his yoke with ease, 

Secure at once himself and heaven to please ; 



BACHELOP/S REASONS FOPw TxVKING A WIFE 21 

And pass his inoffensive hours awaj', 

In bhss all night, and innocence all day. 

Though fortune change, his constant spouse remains, 

Augments his joys or mitigates his pains. 

But what so pure, which envious tongues will spare ? 

Some wicked wits have libelled all the fair. 

With matchless impudence they style a wife 

The dear-bought curse, and lawful plague of life ; 

A bosom serpent, a domestic evil, 

A night invasion, and a mid-day devil. 

Let not the wise these slanderous words regard, 

But curse the bones of every lying bard. 

All other goods by Fortune's hand are given ; 

A wife is the peculiar gift of heaven : 

Vain Fortune's favors, never at a stay, 

Like empty shadows glide and pass away ; 

One solid comfort, our eternal wife, 

Abundantly supplies us all our life. 

This blessing lasts (if those who try say true) 

As long as e'er a heart can wish — and longer too. 

Our grandsire Adam, ere of Eve possessed, 

Alone and even in Paradise unblessed, 

With mournful looks the blissful scenes surveyed, 

And wandered in the solitary shade : 

The Maker saw, and pitying, did bestow 

Woman, the last, the best of gifts below. 

A wife ! ah, gentle deities, can he 

That has a wife e'er feel adversity 1 

Would men but follow what the sex advise. 

All things would prosper, all the world grow wise ! 

'Twas by Rebecca's aid that Jacob won 

His father's blessing from an elder son ; 

Abusive Nabal owed his forfeit life 

To the wise conduct of a prudent wife 

Heroic Judith, as old Hebrews show. 

Preserved the Jews, and slew the Assyrian foe ; 

At Esther's suit the persecuting swo. d 

Was sheathed, and Israel lived to bless the Lord. 

Be charmed with virtuous joys, and sober life, 

And try that Christian comfort called — a v.'ife! 



22 COMIC BECITATIONS. 



THE SPANISH VALET AND THE WAITING 

MAID. 

A DUOLOGUE, FROM " THE "WGNDEIl." 

Jlnter Lissardo, l. 

LisSAR. Was ever man so tormented? I saw that little 
gipsy, Flora, in close confab with Lazat, the miller's man — 
only once let me lay hold of him, I'll — by-the-by, this a very 
pretty ring my lady gave me — methinks a diamond is a vast 
addition to the finger of a gentleman. Egad, I have a pretty 
hand, it is very Avhite and well-shaped — faith, I never no- 
ticed it so much before — it becomes a diamond ring as well 
as the first Don's in Andalusia. 

Flora. (Without, calling.) Lissardo! Lissardo! 

LissAit. Oh, the little minx-^there she is calling for me ; 
but 111 not answer. 

Better Flora, r. 

Flora. Lissardo ! Lissardo ! I say — sure the fellow's 
dumb — ha ! what do I see ? a diamond ring — (aside) how the 
deuce did he get that? [Aloud.) You have got a very pretty 
ring there, Lissardo. 

LisSAR. Um, the trifle's pretty enough ; but the lady who 
gave it me is as beautiful as an angel, I assure you ? ( Struts 
about and gives Jdmself airs.) 

Flora. (Aside.) I can't bear this — the lady ! (Aloud.) 
What lady, pray ? 

LissAR. There's a question to ask a gentleman. 

Flora. A gentleman indeed ! why the fellow's spoil'd — 
is this your love for me, you brute ? 

LissAR. Don't talk to me about love — didn't I catch you 
in close conversation with Lazat, the miller's man ? 

Flora. There was no harm in that, I was only — 

LisrsAR. You were only — you're a base, ungrateful woman, 
•and I've done with you — there, madam, you can take that 



SPANISH VALET AND THE WAITING MAID. 23 

tobacco stopper you gave me some time back, and stop your 
impertinent mouth, with it. 

Flora. Indeed, sir ! I believe I can keep tally with you 
in that respect ; there, sir, there's the pretty little pincush- 
ion you gave me — take it. {Throws it at him.) 

LisSAR. There's another little trifle — there, madam — 
{gives a ]/od:et-hool) it will serve you to write down an account 
of your false love. {Throws it at her.) 

Flora. Indeed, sir. {Aside.) The wretch so provokes m.e! 
{Runs cff, and returns loilh an aj^ron full of letters.) There, sir — 
there — you good-for-nothing brute — here's a bundle of your 
false scrawls for you, take them. {Pelts him with the letters, he 
running away\ and she after him.) 

LissAR. I believe, madam, I can return the compliment. 
{Taking out a ]uicket and pelting her.) And here's another pre- 
cious article, take it. {Lifts his stick and about to heat her.) 

Flora, f 'Throws herself into his arms.) Beat me now, cruel 
Lissardo, do. 

LisSAR. No, no ! 

Air. 

LissAR. Dear Flora, what wouki you be at % 
I don't wish to quarrel with you ; 
You're in love with the miller, Lazat ; 
If I meet him I'll cause him to rue. 

The first time I set eyes on him, I'll give him a taste of as 
sharp a two-edged stiletto as any in all Madrid ; and if he 
comes again to poach on my manor, I'll duck him in bis 
o\vn mill-pond, and he shall soon learn the difference be- 
tween feeding on fish and feeding fish. 

Flora. If this is the way you try to make yourself agree- 
able, I shall, in future, take care to walk in some other 
path. {Avgri'y.) You arc enough to provoke a saint — so you 
are ! I've got anger enough from mother about you al- 
ready ; but never mind, it's the last time we shall ever meet 
— heigho ! it's very provoking though — and I'm sure I didn't 
deserve this from you — oh ! dear, oh ! ( Crying.) 



24 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

LissAB. I can't stand this — come, come, Flora dear. 
Flora. You promise, but promise in vain, 
I love not to trifle like you ; 
Your wisli is to quarrel, that's plain, 
But I can be constant and true. 
"Well, good by, Lissardo— we part friends, I hope. [Going.) 
LisSAR. Stop, stop, Flora I a word with you, before you 

go. 

Flora. It must be only one word then, for I have not 
time to hear another. 

LissAR. But suppose that one should prove agreeable — 
would you not then stop to hear another ? 

Flora. Perhaps, in that case — {hesitating.) But what is 
J:he wor(J ? 

LiSSAR. A very short monosyllable, containing only four 
letters — this little word has been the cause of more quarrels, 
more misery, and more happiness, than all the words in the 
English language put together — what do you think of 
L, O, Y, E ? ^ 

Flora. Oh I then I'm going in earnest. 

LisSAR. [Detaining her.) What ! without hearing the other 
three ? 

Flora. Three words ! what can they be ? 

LissAR. A gold ring ! [Going.) Now I'm in a hurry. 

Flora. [Detaining him.) Well, but, Lissardo, where can 
you be going ? I can't think. 

LiSSAR. Only to your father — have I your leave ? 

Flora. But are you really in earnest, indeed, and in truth ? 
and will you tell him the three words f 

LissAR. Certainly not — (Flora potds) — that is — without 
you desire it ; and if you have no objections, I shall add a, 
few more words about a church. 

Flora. Charming ! 

LisSAR. And a clerk to publish the banns of marriage. 

Flora. Delightful! 

LlSSAR. (Archly.) And wo shall be as happy as the day is 
long — and then you know we shall have — 



THE JACKDAW OF RHEIMS. 25 

Air, 
Both. No more sighing, no more sorrow ; 
Let us happy pass the time ; 
To-day we'll sing, and dance to-morrow, 
And the bells shall merry chime. 

{Bells chime, ^ 
Hark ! hark ! the bells so well keep time 
I love to hear their merry chime. 
The merry chime, the merry, merry chime. 



THE JACKDAW OF EHEIMS. 

BAHHAM. 

The Jackdaw sat on the Cardinal's chair ! 
Bishop and abbot, and prior were there ; 

Many a monk, and many a friar, 

Many a knight, and many a squire, 
With a great many more of lesser decree, — 
In sooth a goodly company ; 
And they served the Lord Primate on bended knee. 

Never, I ween. 

Was a prouder seen. 
Read of in books, or dreamt of in dreams, 
Than the Cardinal Lord Archbishop of Rheims ! 

In and out 

Through the motley rout. 
That Lttle Jackdaw kept hopping about j 

Here and there 

Like a dog in a fair, 

Over comfits and cates. 

And dishes and plates. 
Cowl and cope, and rochet and pall. 
Mitre and crosier ! he hopp'd upon all ! 

With saucy air, 

He perch 'd on the chair 
Where, in state, the cfreat Lord Cardinal sat 
In the great I^ord Cardinal's great red hat ; 



26 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

And he peer'd in the face 

Of his Lordsliip's Grace, 
"With a satisfied lools, £ts if he would say, 
'^ We two are the greatest folks here to-day ! " 

And the priests, with awe, 

As such fieaks they saw, 
Said, " Tiie Devil must be in that little Jackdaw ! ' 

The feast was over, the board was clear'd, 
The flawns and the custards had all disappeared. 
And six little singing-boys — dear little souls ! 
In nice clean faces, and nice white stoles, 

Came, in order due, 

Two by two, 
Marching that gi'and refectorj- through I 
A n:c9 little hoy held a golden ewer, 
Emboss'd and fili'd with water, as pure 
As any that flows between Rhelms and Namur, 
Which a nice little boy stood ready to catch 
In a fine gol len hand-basin made to match. 
Two nice little boys, rather more grown. 
Carried lavender-water, and eau de Cologne ; 
And a nice little boy, had a nice cake of soap, 
Worthy of washing the hands of the Pope. 

One little boy more 

A napkin bore, 
Of the best white diaper, fringed with pink. 
And a Cardinal's hat mark'd in " permanent ink." 

The great Lord Cardinal turns at the sight 
Of these nice little boys dress'd all in white : 

From his finger he draws 

His costly turquois.^; 
And, not thinking at all about little Jackdaws, 

Deposits it straight 

By the side of his plate ; 
While the nice little boys on his Eminence wait ; 
Till, when nobody's dreaming of any such thing, 
Tliat little Jackdaw hops ofT with the ring ! 



THE JACKDAW OF RHEIMS. 27 

There's a cry and a shout, 

And a deuce of a rout, 
And nobody seems to know what they're about, 
But the monks have theh' pockets all turn'd inside out ; 

The friars are kneeHng, 

And hunting, and feehng 
The carpet, the floor, and the walls, and the ceiling. 

The Cardinal drew 

Off each plum-colored shoe, 
And left his red stockings exposed to the view 

He peeps, and he feels 

In the toes and the heels ; 
They turn up the dishes — they turn up the plates — 
They take up the poker and poke out the grates — 

They turn up the rugs — 

They examine the mugs : — 

But, no ! — no such thing ; 

They can't find the ring ! 
And the abbot declared that, '• when nobody twigg'd it, 
Some rascal or other had popp'd in, and prigg'd it ! '' 

The Cardinal rose with a dignified look, 

He call'd for his candle, his bell, and his book ! 
In holy anger, and pious grief, 
He solemnly cursed that rascally thief! 
He cursed him at board, he cursed him in bed ; 
From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head j 
He cursed him in sleeping, that every night 
He should dream of the devil, and wake in a frioht ; 
He cursed him in eating, he cursed him in drinking, 
He cursed him in coughing, in sneezing, in winking; 
He cursed him in sitting, in standing, in lying ; 
He cursed him in walking, in riding, in flying, 
He cursed him in living, he cursed him in dying !- 

Never was heard such a terrible curse ! ! 
But what gave rise 
To no little surprise, 

Nobody seem'd one penny the worse - 



28 COMIC KECITATIOKS. 

The day was gone, 

The night came on, 
The monks and the friars they search'd till dawn, 

When the sacristan saw, 

On crumpled claw, 
Come limping a poor little lame Jackdaw ! 

No longer gay. 

As on yesterday ; 
His feathers all seem'd to be turn'd the wrong way ; — 
His pinions droop'd — he could hardly stand — 
His head was as bald as the palm of your hand ; 

His eye so dim, 

So wasted each limb. 
That, heedless of grammar, they all cried, " That's him !- 
That's the scamp that has done this scandalous thing ! 
That's the thief that has got my Lord Cardinal's ring ! " 

The poor little Jackdaw, 

When the monks he saw. 
Feebly gave vent to the ghost of a caw ; 
And turn'd his bald head, as much as to say, 
" Pray be so good as to walk this way ! " 

Slower and slower 

He limp'd on before, 
Till they came to the back of the belf. y door, 

Where the first thing they saw, 

'Midst the sticks and the straw. 
Was the ring in the nest of that little Jackdaw ! 

Then the great Lord Cardinal call'i for his book. 
And ofif that terrible curse he took ; 

The mute expression 

Served in lieu of confession. 
And, being thus coupled with full restitution. 
The Jackdaw got plenary absolution ! 

AVhen those words were heard. 

That poor little bird 
Was so changed in a moment, 'twas really absurd, 

He grew sleek and fat ; 

In addition to that, 



JONATHAN AND THE ENGLISHMEN. 29 

A fresh crop of feathers came thick as a mat ! 

His tail waggled more 

Even than before ; 
But no longer it wagg'd with an impudent air, 
No longer he perchVl on the Cardinal's chair. 

He hopp'd now about 

With a gait devout ; 
At matins, at vespers, he never was out ; 
And, so far from anymore pilfering deeds. 
He always seem'd telling the confessor's beads. 
If any one lied — or if any one swore — 
Or slumber'd in prayer-time and happen'd to snore, 

That good Jackdaw 

Would give a great " caw ! " 
As much as to say, " Don't do so any more ! " 
While many remark'd, as his manners they saw. 
That they " never had known such a pious Jackdaw ! " 

He long lived the pride 

Of that country side. 
And at last in the odor of sanctity died ; 

When, as words were too faint 

His merits to paint. 
The conclave determined to make him a saint ; 
And on newly-made saints and Popes, as you know, 
It's the custom, at Rome, new names to bestow. 
So they canonized him by the name of Jim Crow. 



JONATHAN AND THE ENGLISHMEN. 

ANONYMOUS. 

On the plain of New Jersey, one hot summer's day. 

Two Englishmen, snug in a stage-coach, were vap'ring ; 

A Yankee, who happen'd to travel that way. 

Took a seat alongside, and sat wond'ring and gaping. 

Chockfull of importance (like ever)^ true Briton, 

Who knows British stars far outshine our poor Luna), 

These cockneys found nothing their optics could hit on, 
But what was insipid or miserably puny. 



30 COMIG EECITATIONS. 

Compared with the English, our horses were colts, 
Our oxen were goats, and a sheep but a lamb ; 

And the people ! (poor blockheads) such pitiful dolts ! 
Mere Hottentot children, contrasted with them ! 

Just then, a black cloud in the west was ascending ; 
The lightning flash'd frequent, with horrible glare ; 
When near and more near, a fierce tempest portending, 
. The thunder rebellowed along the rent air. 

An oak by the waj^side Jove's bolt made a dash on, 
With a peal that knock'd horses and cockneys all flat ; 

*' There, hang you ! " cries Jonathan, quite in a passion, 
" Have you got better thunder in England than that 1 " 



AETEMUS WAED'S TEIP TO EIOHMOND. 

BROWNE. 

It's putty plane to my mind that we earnt tu have Peas 
as long as the fite goes on. Not much. The sympathiziu' 
Demos promist that these rebellion shood be over as soon as 
they was 'lected, an' they air doin' all in thar power to get 
it over — all over the North. You cood stick more loyalty 
in a chicken's ear than sich men possess. 

The other day I 'pinted myself a committee ov the whole 
to go to Richmond an' see ef I coodent convins J. Davis ov 
the error of his ways, and persuade him to jine the Young 
Men's Christian Association. Sumthin' must soon be did to 
have the War stopt, or by the time it's ciided the Northern 
Sympathizers will have no Southern Brethren, or no Consti- 
tootion, or no Declaration of Injypendence, or no nothing, 
or anything else. None. AVhar cood we procoor G. Wash- 
ingtons, J. Quincy JefPersons, Thomas Adamses, and etset- 
tery, to make another Constitootion and so 4tli — the larst 
especially ? Echo ansers — Whar ? That's why the Blacks 
air taken sich good care ov that instrooment — which reminds 
me ov a little incident, as A. L. obsarves. 



ARTEMUS ward's TRIP TO RICHMOND. 31 

But, I am goin' to tell you about me trip to the Capitol 
ov the Southern Conthieveracy. It was a bootiful moniin' 
that I started ; nary a cloud obskewered the Orb ov Day, and 
I rove at the Secesh lines, when a dirty-looking Confed. 
called me '' Halt," and pinted a bagonet at me. He arst me 
who I was, an' whar I was gone. 

" My friendly ruff," sez I, " I've just bin up ^orth stealin' 
things an' sich for Jeff. Me an' him air ole pals." 

He left me pars. 

After travelling a spell, I obsarved a ole house by the road- 
side, & feelin' faint and thirsty, I entered. The only family 
I found at home was a likely lookin' young femail gal, Avhose 
Johnny had gone for a solger. She was a weepin' bitterly. 

" Me putty rose-bud," sez I, "why dost thou weep ? " 

She made nary answer, but weepedested on. I placed me 
hand onto her hed, brusht back the snowy ringlets from her 
pale brow, an' kis — an' passyfied her. 

" What cawsed them tears, fare maid P " I arskt again. 

" Why," sez she, " brother John promist 2 bring me home 
some Yankee boans to make jewelry, but he had to go an' git 
killd, & now I won't get ary boan, an' — O, it's 2 bad — boo- 
hoo-oo-o I " 

Yes, it was muchly 2 bad — and more too. A woman's 
tears brings the undersined, an' for the time bein' I was a 
rebel sympathizer. 

*' Enny fathers ? " 

" Only one. But he's dead. Mother went over to see 
Unkle Reub." 

" Was John a putty good brother ? " 

'* Yes, John was O so kind. His was the only breast I had 
to repose these weary head onto." 

I pitied the maid, and hinted that she might repose her 
weary head on my shirt front — an' she reposed. And I was 
her brother John for a while, as it were. 

Ere we parted, I arskt for a draught of wat^r to squonch 
me thirst, an' the damsel tript gayly out of the door to pro- 
cure it. As she was gone a considirable period, I lookt out 



32 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

tiiG winder and saw her hoppin' briskly 4th, accompanied by 
2 secesh cusses, who war armed to the teeth. I begin to 
smell as many as two mouses. The '' putty dear " had dis- 
covered I was a Yankee, an' was goin' to hev me tooken pris- 
oner. I frustrated her plans a few — I leapt out the back 
winder as quick as a prestidiguretaterandisch, an' when she 
entered the domicil, she found *' brother John " non ester 
(which is Latin, or sumthin'), and be4 I had proceeded much 
I found me timerepeater non ^ster too. The fare maid, who 
was Floyd's Neace, had hookt it while reposin' on me weskit. 
It was a hunky watch — a family hair-loom, an' I wouldn't 
have parted with it fer a dollar and sixty-nine cents ($1.69). 
In doo corse ov mail I arrov in Richmon. I unfolded me 
mission, and was ushered into J. Davis's orgust presents. 
But the result was not as soothing to weak nerves as my 
hart could wish, and I returned to Washington, disgustid 
with all peas measures. The sympathizers may do their own 
dirt-eatin' in the footer, as they have done in the parst. 
Good-by ! Adoo ! Farewell ! 



THE AUCTIONEEE AND THE LAWYEE. 

SMITH 

A City Auctioneer, one Samuel Stubbs, 
Did greater execution with liis hammer, 
Assisted by his puffing clamor, 

Than Gog and Magog with their clubs, 

Or that great Fee-fa-fum of war. 

The Scandinavian Thor, 

Did with his mallet, which (see Bryant's 

Mythology) fell'd stoutest giants : — 

For Samuel knock'd down houses, churches. 

And w^oods of oak and elm and birches, 

With greater ease than mad Orlando 

Tore the first tree he laid his hand to. 

lie ought, in reason, to have raised his own 
Lot by knocking others' down ; 



THE AUCTIONEER AND THE LAWYER. 33 

And had be been content with shaking 
His hammer and his hand, and taking 
Advantage of what brought him grist, he 
Might have been as rich as Christie ; — 
But somehow when thy midnight bell, Bow, 

Sounded along Cheapside its knell, 

Our spark was busy in Pall-mall 
Shaking his elbow — 
Marking, with paw upon his mazzard, 
The turns of hazard ; 
Or rattling in a box the dice, j 

Which seem'd as if a grudge they bore 
To Stubbs ; for often in a trice 
Down on the nail he was compell'd to pay 
All that his hammer brought him in the day, 

And sometimes more. 

Thus, like a male Penelope, our wight, 
What he had done by day undid by night; 
No wonder, therefore, if like her, 

He was beset by clamorous brutes, 
Who crowded round him to prefer 

Their several suits. 
One Mr. Snipps, the tailor, had the longest 

Bill for many suits — of raiment, 
And naturally thought he had the strongest 

Claim for payment. 
But debts of honor must be paid, 
Whate'er becomes of debts of trade ; 
And so our stylish auctioneer, 
From month tofnonth throughout the year, 
Excuses, falsehoods, pleas alleges, 
Or flatteries, compliments and pledges. 
When in the latter mood one day. 
He squeez'd his hand, and swore to pay. 
*' But when ! " " Next month you may depend on't, 
My dearest Snipps, before the end on't ; 
Your face proclaims in every feature 
You wouldn't harm a fellow-creature — 

You're a kind soul, I know you are, Snipps." 



34 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

" Ay, so you said six months ago ; 

But such tine words, I'd have you know, 

Butter lio parsnips." 
This said, he bade his lawyer draw 

A special writ, 

Serve it on Stubbs, and follow it 
Up with the utmost rigor of the law. 

This lawyer was a friend of Stubbs ; 

That is to say, 

In a civic way, 
Where business interposes not its rubs : 
For where the main chance is in question, 

Damon leaves Pythias to the stake, 

Pylades and Orestes break, 
And Alexander cuts Hephaestion ; 
But when our man of law must sue his friends, 
Tenfold politeness makes amends. 

So w^hen he meets oiu* Auctioneer, 

Into his outstretch'd hand he thrust his 
"Writ, and said, with friendly leer, 

"My dear, dear Stubbs, pray do me justice ; 
In this affair I hope you see 
No censure can attach to me — 
Don't entertain a wrong impression; 

I'm doing now what must be done 
In my profession." 
" And so am I," Stubbs answer'd w^ith a frown; 

So crying " Going — going — going — gone ! " 

He knock'd him down ! • 



ME. AND MES. SKINNEE. 

HAKDWICK. 

Mil. Skinner, a respoctal)le middle-aged gcaitlenian, Imt 
of a sonKJwhat convivial tui-n, was very fond of attending 
puldic dinners, where, as he said, ln) only went "to support 
the chuir ! " Mrs. Skinner was of a Caudle-like turn of 



MR. AND MRS. SKINNER. '35 

mind, and was in the liabit of cautioning her lord and — no ! 
not exactly her master, by a few words at parting ; such as 
*' Now mind, dear, don't get worse for the wine," and " Pray 
take care of your purse," and " Pray don't stop after the 
dinner ; " to all of which Mr. S. would promise to be partic- 
ularly attentive, although he would venture upon a mild 
remonstrance : 

(This is the highly respectable, staid, middle-aged, prudent 
Mr. Skinner, lefore going to the dinner.) 

" Eeally, Mrs. Skinner, these remarks are entirely un- 
called-for. I should imagine, Mrs. S., that by this time you 
were fully aware of my strength of mind, and firmness of 
resolution. Charity — blessed charity, Mrs. S., prompts me 
to go ; but rest assured, I shall not give more than what is 
necessary to maintain the integrity of my name. I never 
allow my heart to get the better of my head, Mrs. Skinner. 
If I go to a public dinner, it's as m.ucli a matter of business 
as pleasure ; I never over-do it. Prudence, Mrs. S., pru- 
dence is my watchw^ord and motto. I'm not to be betrayed 
into over-indulgence, nor late hours ; oh, dear, no ! other men 
may have these failings, but J have not. My position in so- 
ciety, and well-known respectability, is a sufficient guara^n- 
tee against anything of that kind. I'm proud — Caroline — • 
proud, I may say, of my inflexible determination ; when I 
have once made up my mind, nothing can alter or influence 
me ; I wouldn't deviate from my fixed purpose, not even for 
my own brother, Mrs. S. ; you under-value my strength of 
mind, and insult me, by supposing me — mc^ Ebenezer Skin- 
ner, capable of such vacillation and impropriety. What do 
you say? 'Think of the last time.' Now, Caroline, you 
know the last, as I told you, I was taken suddenly ill, and 
was sent to the hospital in a cab, where they detained me 
two or three hours ; you know I was perfectly sober when I 
arrived at home. What do you say ? ' That was owing to 
the stomach-pump.' Mrs. Skinner, may you never be sud- 
\ denly indisposed at a party. * The time before that, too, I 
' didn't come home till morning r ' That's too bad, Caroline ; 



36 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

you know perfectly well, the policeman wlio brought me 
home told you, as I did myself, that the crowd at the fire 
was so great I couldn't get through it, and was forced, 
against my will, into a tavern opposite, where the fumes of 
the liquors the firemen drank overpowered my finely-strung 
nerves. But I dare say nothing of that kind will occur to- 
night, and you may rely upon it, that I shall be guilty of 
no approach to inebriation — it's what I detest and abhor. 
Of course I must — like others — respond to the usual loyal 
toasts ; but beyond that, Mrs. S., don't think, for a moment, 
I shall go. In fact the truth is, 1 would rather not go at all ; 
but you see, I am one of the stewards, and duty — religious 
duty — Caroline, towards the truly excellent objects of the 
society, calls upon me, in the sacred name of benevolence 
and humanity, to contribute my humble aid to the good 
cause, and to partake of the annual dinner ; and I cannot, 
without self-reproach, neglect it ; but, upon the word of a 
man, who's valued possession is his strength of mind, and 
power to resist temptation, / shall he at home hy twelve o'^cloclc. 
You smile — why so ? — you know my determination of char- 
acter, Mrs. S., why doubt me ? Mind, I don't say it may 
not be five minutes after twelve, but not later. By-the-by, I 
might as well take a key, and then neither you nor the ser- 
vant need wait up. You say, * Oh, no ; you're not going to 
risk the house being set on fire, with my filthy cigar left 
burning in the passage again.' Now, Caroline, dearest ! 
that's not right ; you know I don't smoke. * How came it 
there, then ? ' How should I know ? I suppose some one 
threw it in when I opened the door. However, time presses, 
it's now nearly five, and I've got to walk to the rank to get 
a cab ; I must be off. * I'm to remember that you'll sit up 
for me?* Certainly, my dear, prudence and punctuality 
was always my motto, and punctually at twelve will I be 
home. Mrs. Skinner — ta-ta." 

Mr. Skinner goes to the dinner, and now you will please 
to supx)oso he is returning home just as the gray light of 
daybreak is dawning — somebody has taken (by mistake, of 



MR. AND MRS. SKINNER. 37 

course) his new silk umbrella and lias left him an old ging- 
ham — he has lost his own hat, and he has to put up with 
one too big for him — he does not go straight home, for the 
reason that his legs tremble under him and compel him to 
walk in a zigzag direction. 

(This is the highly respectable, staid, prudent, &c., &c., 
Mr. Skinner, returning h.om.e from the dinner.) 

{Singing.) " We're nae that fou, we're nae that fou, but 
just a wee drap in our ee." "Why, dear me! dear me! 
whatever is the time ? Everybody is gone home ; I wish I 
was at home. Here — cab, cab, cab ! Why, even all the cabs 
are gone home. All the people's gone to bed, except my 
Avife, she ain't, / know ; she'll wait up for me, to let me in, 
instead of the girl — what a fool she is ! I wish she'd let 
Mary Ann sit up to open the door ; it would do just as well, 
and she wouldn't break her rest. Nice girl, that Mary Ann 
— very nice girl. Let me see, let me see ; how old's my 
wife ? Why — forty — forty — ay, forty-four : and she's as 
well as ever. Ah ! there's no chance yet ! IN'ow, when I do 
get home, I shall catch it — I know I shall ; I've given all 
the money away, doubled my subscription, and become a 
life subscriber. Well, well — * Charity covers a ' — what is it ? 
— {hiccvp) what is it ? * a multitude of something. Beauti- 
ful song that, the man sung — very touching ; something 
about ' drying up the Orphan's Beer I ' — I forget the rest — 
cost me five guineas tho' — never mind." {Singing ihickly.) 
" ' Xon, Nobis, Dominoes? Non, no, no, no ! — hang it, I 
don't know ; which the deuce is my house ? I can't see it. 
Why {hiccnjj), this isn't my street; my street's a terrace, 
that goes up steps, with a brass knocker, and a letter-box. 
What does it say ? — Long — Long — Long Acre ! Why, this 
ain't the way to Islington Grove ! — that's where I live." {As 
if addressing a comjmny.) " Skinner, gentlemen, will bo most 
happy and delighted to see you all there, gentlemen, come 
when you will ; Mrs. Skinner will be proud to receive you ; 
she's a good woman, though I say it ; a better creature than 
Mrs. S. never breathed, gentlemen ; she will make you all 



38' COMIC RECITATIONS. 

comfortable for a week, if you like, gentlemen." {Suddenly 
waking up.) " Hallo ! hallo ! What am I talking about '-^ 
Catch her at it. Why, it was only yesterday she snubbed 
my city friend, Biffins. She don't like conviv-viv-viv-i-ality, 
does my wife. I wonder what she'll say to me, bemg so 
late ? She'll think I've been drinking ; she's wrong, though, 
very wrong ! How could I miss my way I can't make out ! 
Why, here's a bridge ; I don't go over any bridge to Isling- 
ton, do I ? Certainly not. How the fog gets in one's eyes ! 
I know these fogs will do a deal o' mischief ; if it hadn't been 
for the fog, I should a' been home hours ago — but she won't 
believe it — not a bit of it. She be bothered ; she should a' 
let me have the key ; next time I will have it. (^Hiccup.) Now 
I feel as happy as possib-ib-ble. I wonder how people can 
grumble, and not be charit-a'b-a'b-ble ? — they ain't like me. 
Now, there's Bunkins, I'll lend him five pounds to-morrow ! 
And there's Swivell, his business is rather shaky ; I'll keep 
him afloat awhile. Then there's Boozle, he asked me to do 
a bill for twenty, yesterday, and I refused him — how un- 
kind ! — I'll do one for fifty, if he likes, in the morning. 
There's old John, my clerk, too ; he's a good old faithful ser- 
vant ; I'll raise his salary directly. Then there's my poor 
brother Tom, in the work-house. Tom, my boy, you shall 
come out and be my partner. What a good thing it is to 
have a kind heart ! How I feel for the poor creatures that's 
badly off ! I'll make Mrs. Skinner give away soup in the 
morning, to all the wretched, starving, poor things that 
ain't got a bed to eat, and not a bit of bread to lie down 
ux3on ! I'll fetch in all the ragged boys that tumble after 
the omnibuses, and clothe 'em, that I will. I'll subscribe to 
the hosi)ital, for a man don't know what he may come to ; 
and I'll give a poor cabman more than sixpence a mile ! I 
feel for 'em — out in all weathers and all hours." ( With en- 
ergy.) " Where are they all? I shan't get home at all! Ah, 
there's one at last. IIer(^ my man ; cab ! cab I — home ! 
What do you say? 'Where to?' Why, home— Islington 
Grove; — drive on, and charge what you like. Mrs. Skinner 



THE BACHELOR AND THE BRIDE, 39 

must pay it. Won't she like that ? Well, never mind, I 
shall sleep like a top while she talks. I'm all right now I've 
got a cab — in I go ! " (Singing,) " ' Old Simon the Cellarer 
keeps a — a ' — oh, I don't know ; that's what the man sung. 
All right, cabby, I'm ready ; help me in, old boy ; here's a 
cigar, and drive on ! " 



THE BACHELOE AND THE BEIDE. 

ANONYMOUS. 

Frank Forethought was a very careful fellow, 

In all his actions circumspect and wise ; 
Never quite fuddled, very seldom mellow, 

Nor e'er for love heaved unavailing sighs ; 
For glances which all other hearts could gain, 
On him bestow'd, were still bestow'd in vain. 

And let not lovesick youths, with upcast eyes. 

Nor reeling sots, or let such only blame ; 
To those who liberty and reason prize, 

To be in love or liquor is the same : 
Such follies we in either case commit, 
As are for fools or madmen only fit. 

Frank, though near forty, had (the observation 
I made just now) both love and wine defied, 

When, all at once, he felt a strange sensation — 
A sort of throbbing at his larboard side 
(As sailors term it), with a sudden flush, 

As if the blood forth from his frame would rush. 

His pulse, before so temperate, now grew quick, 

And sighs (unknown before) he scarce could smother. 

So as he felt inclining to be sick 

He took a dram, another, and another : 

Tills plan, though oft the best, as matters stood, 

In liis dilemma, did more harm than good. 



40 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

What, in the sufferer, caused this state alarming 
Scarce need I say ; what but a woman could 1 

And this was young and fair, resolved on charming ; 
And though he lon^r her blandishments withstood, 

Oft on her eyes incautious would he gaze, 

Until at last they set him in a blaze 

Those eyes so fatal were to all beholders, 

Like gas, at once could light and heat impart : 

I'd have a score of hazels at my shoulders, 
Rather then two such hazels at my heart. 

When glowing glances of fond feelings tell us, 

How thrills — but stop, I mustn't make spouse jealous. 

So to proceed, our swain was like a tree. 
Which sapless grown is easier made to flame ; 

This fair assailant plied most dexterously 

Her smiles and wiles, till quite secured her aim ; 

And these attacks, in ardor unabated, 

Had brought him to the state before related. 

He thought of naught but her who'd caused his pain 
Sleeping or waking, and the charm grew stronger ; 

Therefore resolved, since struggling was in vain. 
To marry — and to think of her no longer : 

She, press'd to name the day, could scarcely speak, 

But blushing, sighing, murmui'd "Sunday week." 

Frank had a mother, whom he much respected 
(For she'd a fortune at her own disposal), 

And much he fear'd that if by her detected 

In marriage project, hopes of wealth would close all, 

Since she had vow'd, if he inclined to wed. 

To lead a second husband to her bed. 

And it so chanced there was a strolling player 
To whom she seem'd a willing ear to lend ; 

Frank knew not this — and yet with secret care 
Procured a ring, a license, and a friend 

Who would act as father to his destined bride, 

And keep the secret from the world beside. 



THE BACHELOR AND THE BRIDE. 41 

The time arrived^ and Forethought, with his friend, 
Might snugly station'd in the porch be seen, 

Expecting tliat the bride would thither bend 

Her course ; she came not — with impatience keen 

The kind companion would no longer stay, 

But went to know the cause of this delay 

I once was angling, and with great delight 

Hook'd several fish, felt of my skill much vanity, 

But when I couldn't get another bite, 
Began to feel a vast deal of humanity ; 

And 'gainst the barbarous sport my anger rising, 

Put up and went away philosophizing. 

In this state were Frank's feelings : he began 
To think 'twould prove a fortunate miscarriage, 

And that for him, perhaps, the wisest plan 

Was to go home, and think no more of marriage. 

But while these thoughts in his suspense oppi ess'd him, 

A man of smart appearance thusaddress'd him. 

" Sir, I came here hoping to wed in private — 
I wish'd to keep some persons in the dark. 

So meant, lest they the knowledge should arrive at, 
To take my mate from no one but the clerk j 

Since he refuses, I make free to ask. 

If you in kindness will perform the task. 

" But for a few short moments 'twill detain you, 
The minister and bride are waiting there." 

Says Frank, " By a refusal I'll not pain you, 
Though 'pon my word this is a strange affair ; 

J meant to take a wife myself to-day ! 

And never dreamt of giving one av/ay I " 

The clergyman look'd grave — the knot was tied — 
The fees were paid ; his smiles were then benign ; 

With curious eye our hero view'd the bride, 
But still she hid her countenance divine ; 



42 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

And ©'en her natural tones contrived to smother ; 

At length he caught a glimpse, and — 'twas his mother ! 

The rest is plain — ^she who had Frank decoy'd, 
Was sister to this fortune-hunting swain : 

Who had her fascinating arts employ'd, 
To banish any scruples might remain, 

Her son respecting, in the matron's mind, 

By proving him to wedlock's joys inclined. 

Now^ all you single gentlemen of forty, 

Take warning by Frank Forethought's piteous case ; 
How^ happy I should this, my tale, have taught ye, 

By his example to avoid disgrace. 
Moist spring, and glowing summer, having past, 
Do not in autumn catch love's plague at last. 



THE DEUNKAED AND HIS WIFE. 

LA FONTAINE. 

Each one's his faults, to which he still holds fast. 

And neither shame nor fear can cure the man ; 

'Tis apropros of this (my usual plan), 
I give a story, for example, from the past. 

A follower of Bacchus hurt his purse, 

His health, his mind, and still grew each day worse ; 

Such people, ere they're run one-half their course, 
Drain all their fortune for their mad expenses. 

One day this fellow^ by the wine o'ertlirown, 
Had in a bottle left his senses; 

His shrewd wife shut him all alone 
In a dark tomb, till tho dull fume 

Might from his brains evaporate. 
He woke an<l found the place all gloom, 

A shroud upon him cold and damp, 

Upon the pall a funeral lamp. 
" What's tliis 1 " said he, "my wife's a widow, then ! " 

On that the wife, dressed like a Fuiy, came, 



A WESTERN LAWYER'S PLEA. 43 

Mask'd and with voice disguised, into the den, 

And brought the wretciied sot, in hopes to tame, 
Some boihng gruel fit for Lucifer. 

The sot no longer doubted he was dead — 
A citizen of Pluto's — could he eir 1 

''And who are youl " unto the ghost he said. 
'' I'm Satan's steward," said the wife, " and serve the food 

For those within this black and dismal place." 

The sot replied, with comical grimace, 
Not taking any time to think, 
" And don't you also bring the drink 1 " 



A WESTEEN LAAVYEE'S PLEA AGAINST THE 

EACT. 

Gentlemen of the Jury: — The Scripture saith, "Thou 
shalt not kill ;" now, if you liang my client, you transgress 
the command as slick as grease, and as plump as a goose egg 
in a loafer's face. Gentlemen, murder is murder, whether 
committed by twelve jurymen, or by a humble individual 
like my client. Gentlemen, 1 do not deny the fact of my 
client having killed a man, but is that any reason why you 
should do so? No such thing, gentlemen; you may bring 
the prisoner in *' guilty ; " the hangman may do his duty ; 
but will that exonerate you ? No such thing ; in that case 
you will be murderers. Who among you is prepared for the 
brand of Cain to be stamped upon his brow to-day ? Who, 
freemen — who in this land of liberty and light ? Gentlemen, 
I will pledge my word, not one of you has a bowie-knife or a 
pistol in his pocket. No, gentlemen, your pockets are odor- 
iferous with the perfumes of cigar cases and tobacco. You 
can smoke the pipe of a peaceful conscience ; but hang my 
unfortunate client, and the scaly alligators of remorse will 
gallop through the internal principles of animal viscera, 
until the spinal vertebrse of your anatomical construction is 
turned into a railroad, for the grim and gory goblins of 
despair. Gentlemen, beware of committing murder ! Be- 



44 COMIC BECITATIONS. 

ware, I say, of meddling with tile eternal prerogative! 
Gentlemen, I adjure you, by the manumitted ghost of tem- 
poral sanctity, to do no murder. I adjure you, by the name 
of woman, the mainspring of the tickling timepiece of time's 
theoretical transmigration, to do no murder ! I adjure you, 
by the love you have for the esculent and condimental gusto 
of our native pumpkin, to do no murder ! I adjure you, by 
the stars set in the flying ensign of your emancipated coun- 
try, to do no murder ! I adjure you, by the American Eagle 
that whipped the universal game cock of creation, and now 
sits roosting on the magnetic telegraph of time's illustrious 
transmigration, do no murder ! And lastly, gentlemen, if 
you ever expect to wear store-made coats — if you ever ex- 
pect free dogs not to bark at you — if you ever expect to 
wear boots made of the free hide of the Rocky Mountain 
buffalo — and, to sum up all, if you ever expect to be any- 
thing but a set of sneaking, loafing, rascally, cut-throated, 
braided small ends of humanity, whittled down into indis- 
tinctibility, acquit my client, and save your country. 
The prisoner was acquitted. 



EEADING A TRAGEDY. 

BAYLY. 

Oh, proud am I, exceeding proud, I've mustered the Elite ! 
I'll read them my new Tragedy — no ordinary treat ; 
It has a deeply -stirrmg plot — the moment I commence 
They'll feel for my sweet heroine an interest intense ; 
It never lags, it never flags, it cannot fail to touch ; 
Indeed, I fear the sensitive may feel it over much ; 
But still a dash of pathos with my terrors I combine, 
The bright reward of tragic bard — the laurel will be mine ? 

Place chairs for all the company, and, ma'am, I really think 
If you don't send that child to bed, he will not sleep a wink ; 
I know he'll screech like anything before I've read a page- 
My second act would terrify a creature of tliat age ; 
And should the darling, scai-ed by me, become an imbecile, 
though Jla iter' d Hi the circumstance — how sorry I should feel ! 



CAST-OFF GARMENTS. 45 

What ! ivonH you send tlie child to bed ? well, madam, we shall see ; 
Pray take a chair, and now prepare the laurel crown for me. 

Have all got pocket handkerchiefs '? your tears will fall in streams : 
Place water near to sprinkle over any one who screams ; 
And pray, good people, recollect, when what I've said controls 
Your sympathies, and actually harrows up your souls, 
Remember (it may save you all from suicide or fits), 
'Tis but a mortal man who but opes the floodgates of his wits ! 
Retain your intellects to trace my brightest gem {my moral), 
And, when I've done, I'm vety sure you'll wreathe my brow with 
laurel. 

Hem — ^^ Act the First, and Scene the First — A Wood — Bumrumpti 

en ters — 
Bumrumpti speaks, ' And have I then escaped from my tormentors ] 
Revenge ! revenge ! oh, w^ere they dead, and I a carrion crow, 
I'd pick the flesh from off their bones, I'd sever toe from toe! 
Shall fair Fryfitta, pledged to me, her plighted vow recall, 
And wed wiih hated Snookums or w\th_a?t2/ man at all ! 
No — rather perish eai'th and sea, the sky and — all the rest of it — - 
For wife to me siie swore she'd be, and she must make the best of it' " 

Througli five long acts — ay, very long — the happy bard proceeds ; 
AVithout a pause, without applause, scene after scene he reads ! 
That silent homage glads his heart ! it silent w^ell may be ; 
Not one of all his slumbering friends can either hear or see ! 
• Tiie anxious chaperon is asleep ! the beau beside the fair ! 
The dog is sleeping on the rug ! the cat upon the chair ! 
Old men and babes — the footman, too ! oh, if we crown the bard, 
AVe'll twine for him the 2Joppi/ wreath, his only fit reward. 



CAST-OFF GAEMENTS. 

From " Nothing to Wear." 

BUTLER. 

Well, having thus wooed Miss M'Flimsey and gained her, 
With the silks, crinolines and hoops that contained her, 
I had, as I thought, a contingent remainder 
At least in the property, and the best right 



46 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

To appear as its escort bj^ day and by night : 

And it being the week of the Stuckiips' grand ball— 

Their cards had been out for a fortnight or so, 

And set the Avenue on the tiptoe — 
I considered it only my duty to call, 

And see if Miss Flora intended to go. 
I found her — as ladies are apt to be found, 
When the time intervening between the first sound 
Of the bell and the visitor's entry is shorter 
Than usual — I found ; 1 won't say — I caught her — 
Intent on the pier-glass, undoubtedly meaning 
To see if perhaps it didn't need cleaning. 
She turned as I entered — " Why, Harry, you sinner, 
I thought that you went to the Flashers' to dinner ! '* 
'' So I did," I replied, '^ but the dinner is swallowed. 

And digested, I trust, for 'tis now nine and more j 
So being relieved from that duty, I followed 

Inclination, which led me, you see, to your door. 
And now will your ladj^ship so condescend 
As just to inform me if you intend 
Your beauty, and graces, and presence to lend 
(All which, when I ow^n, I hope no one will borrow). 
To the Stuckups', whose party, you know, is to-morrow 1 ' 
The fair Flora looked up with a pitiful air, 
And answered quite promptly, " Why, Harry, mon cher, 
I should like above all things to go with you there ; 
But really and truly — I've nothing to wear.'' 
'' Nothing to wear ! go just as you are ; 
Wear the dress you have on, and you'll be by far, 
I engage, the most bright and particular star 

On the Stuckup horizon" — I stopped, for her eye, 
Notwithstanding this delicate onset of flattery, 
Opened on me at once a most terrible battery 

Of scorn and amazement. She made no reply. 
But gave a slight turn to the end of her nose 

(That pure Grecian feature), as much as to say, 
'' How absurd that any sane man should suppose 
That a lady would go to a ball in the clotlies, 

No matter how fine, that she wears every day ! " 



CAST-OFF GARMENTS. 47 

So I ventured again — " Wear your crimson brocade," 
(Second turn up of nose) — " That's too dark by a shade." 
"Your bhie silk" — "That's too heavy;" "Your pink" — 

" That's too light." 
" Wear tulle over satin " — "' I can't endure white." 
" Your rose-colored, then, the best of the batch " — 
" I haven't a thread of point lace to match." 
" Your brown moire antique " — " Yes, and look like a Quaker ; " 
" The pearl-colored " — " I would, but that plaguey dressmaker 
Has had it a week " — " Then that exquisite lilac, 
In which you would melt the heart of a Shylock." 
(Here the nose took again the same elevation.)' 
" I wouldn't wear that for the whole of creation." 

" Why not 1 It's my fancy, there's nothing could strike it. 
As more comme il faiW — " Yes, but dear me, that lean 

Sophronia Stuckup has got one just like it, 
And I won't appear dressed like a chit of sixteen." 
" Then that splendid purple, that sweet Mazarine ; 
That superb point d'aiguille, that imperial green, 
That zephyr-like tarletan, that rich. grenadine " — 
" Not one of all which is fit to b3 seen," 
Said the lady, becoming excited and flushed. 
" Tlien wear," I exclaimed, in a tone which quite crushed 

Opposition, " that gorgeous toilet which you sported 
In Paris last spring, at the grand presentation, 
When you quite turned the head of the head of the nation. 

And by all the grand court were so very much courted." 

The end of the nose was portentously tipped up, 
And both the bright eyes shot forth indignation, 
As she burst upon me with the fierce exclamation, 
" 1 have worn it three times at the least calculation. 
And that, and the most of my dresses are ripped up ! " 
Here I ripijed out some thing, perhaps rather rash. 

Quite innocent though ; but to use an expression 
More striking than classic, " it settled my hash," 

And proved very soon the last act of our session. 
" Fiddlesticks, is it, sir ] I wonder the ceiling 
Doesn't fall down and crush you — oh, you men have no feeling, 
You selfish, unnatural, illiberal creatines, 



48 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Who set j^ourselves up as patterns and preachers. 

Your silly pretence — why what a mere guess it is ! 

Pi ay, what do you know of woman's necessities '? 

I have told you and shown you I've nothing to wear, 

And it's perfectly plain you not only don't care, 

But you do not believe me" (here the nose went still higher). 

*' I suppose if you dared you would call me a liar. 

Our engagement is ended, sir — yes, on the spot ; 

You're a brute, and a monster, and — I don^t know what." 

I mildly suggested the words — Hottentot,^ 

Pickpocket, and cannibal, Tartar, and thief, 

As gentle expletives which might give relief; 

But this only proved as spark to the powder, 

And the storm I had raised came faster and louder ; 

It blew and it rained, thundered, lightened and hailed 

Interjections, verbs, pronouns, till language quite failed 

To express the abusive, and then its arrears 

Were brought up all at once by a torrent of tears. 

And my last faint, despairing attempt at an obs- 

Ervation was lost in a tempest of sobs. 



HOW TO CUEE A COUGH. 

ANONYMOUS. 

One Biddy Brown, a country dame, 

As 'tis by many told, 
Went to a doctor — Drench by name — 

For she had caught a cold. 

And sad, indeed, was Biddy's pain. 

The truth must be confest, 
Which she to ease found all in vain. 

For it was at her chest. 

The doctor heard her case — and then. 

Determined to assist her. 
Prescribed — oh ! tenderest of men, 

Upon her chest a blister ! 



THE soldier's RETURN. 49 

Away went Biddy, and next day 

She called on Drench again. 
'^ "Well, have you used the blister, pray • 

And has it eased your pain '? " 

'*' Ay, zur," the dame, with curtsey cries, 

" Indeed, I never mocks ; 
But, bless ye ! I'd no chest the size, 

So I put it on a box, 

*' But, la I zur, it be little use, 

It never rose a bit ; 
And you may see it if you choose, 

For there ifs sticking yet ! " 



THE SOLDIER'S EETUEN. 

AN ETHIOPIAN DIALOGUE. 

WHITE. 

Scene. — A Wood: 
Enter Old Soldier, r., with valise, and in old black coat^ large shoes^ ^c. 

Soldier. Dis must be de place ; ebery tree and shrub 
am familiar to me — eben de ole pump dat I passed just now 
lias a 'semblance ob days gone by. It seems to me a — 

a 

Enter George, l., ivith whitewash pan and brush. 

Ah ! here comes some one dat can gib me de information I 
seek. Young man, can you tell me if — ah ! for three weeks 
I have not tasted food. 

George. {Aside.) He must be rather peckish by dis time ! 

Soldier. Twenty years ago I left dis spot, an' my poor 
little bruder must be quite a man by dis time. I left him 
gambolling on de hillside. 

George. {Aside.) Oh ! he was a gambler. Oh my ! (Sol- 
dier advances, R., and. drojis valise on George's toes.) Oh dear ! 

Soldier. Ha ! wouldst rob me of my all? (Seizes him,) 

George. Oh don't ! I wouldn't take nuffin. 



«4K) comic recitations. 

SOLDIEE. My all is in dat casket. 

George. His cml ! Why, he must be a shoemaker. Say, 
hab you got your lapstone an' hammer wid you '^ 

BoLDiEB. {LooJdng around.) I haven't seen an honest face 
since I came into dis part ob de country, I really a — {To 
Tom, sitting.) Well, there is one ; dat's what I called a good, 
honest, open countenance. 

George. Yes, you'd say so if you could only see him 
about dinner time. 

Soldier. Young man! {Advances,) Wouldst listen to a 
painful story ? 

George. I would for twenty years. 

Soldier. Twenty years! Listen then, an' mark me. 
( George marks him on the hack with whitewash h'ush. ) Twenty 
years ago — do I live while I tell it ? — (weeps) there lived in 
dis village a respectful colored woman who had two sons, 
both boys. 

George. Both boys ! Wasn't one ob dem a gal ? 

Soldier. Silence and listen. For many years dey grew 
up, de delight of dere parents, till the oldest boy conceived 
de idea ob joining de army. De ole folks interfered to make 
him change his mind, but go he would ; so dere was no use 
in talkin'. He left dere side in de summer bloom, an' in 
one hour — one short hour — he was thousands an' thousands 
ob miles away. Since dat day, he has neber seen his aged 
sire, an 'longs for de time when he shall see once more dat 
little gambolling bruder, on de hillside — 

George. Does my ears deceibe my eyesight ? Ah ! {Looks 
at hisfeet^ his shoes, &c.) Had you a muder? 

Soldier. I had a muder. Why, ob coarse I had a muder. 

George. Dat muder had two sons — boys ? 

Soldier. She had, as you remark. 

George. One day, he left for parts unknown ; he has 
neber been heard ob since dat day. 

" An' one dreadful night the wind it blew, 
De thunder thundered and de snow it snew ! " 

Soldier. Hum I {Both approach in front) 



THE COUNTRYMEN AND THE ASS. 51 

George. Ha ! ha ! he I ho I hu ! hy ! Methinks I should 
know dat bruder by a scar on his wrist. 

Soldier. I hab dat scar, an' many a good ole soldier hab 
I scar'd wid it. 

George. Dat eyes ! 

Soldier. Dem nose ! 

George. Dose har ! 

SoLDEiR. Dat feet ! Oh dear ! Twelve at least ! 

Both. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Come to de 
arms of your long-losted bruder ! [Both fall awkwardly — 
George gets up very sulky. ) 

George. I don't care to meet any more ob my relations 
just about now ; no, siree ! {Limps off, L.) 

Soldier. Stop little bruder George, and listen to de rest 
ob my misfortunes and history for twenty years. (Hobbles 
after him.) 



THE COUNTEYMEN AND THE ASS. 

BYRC 

A COUNTRY fellow and his son, they tell 
In modern fables, had an ass to sell : 
For this intent they turned it out to play, 
And fed so well, that hy the destined day, 
They brought the creature into sleek repair, 
And drove it gently to a neighboring fair. 

As the}^ were jogging on, a rural class 
Was heard to say, " Look ! look there, at that ass ! 
And those two blockheads trudging on each side, 
That have not, either of 'em, sense to ride ; 
Asses all three ! " And thus the country folks 
On man and ho}^ began to cut their jokes. 

Th' old fellow minded nothing that they said, 
But every word stuck iu the young one's head ; 
And thus began their comment thereupon : 
" Ne'er heed 'm, lad." '' Nay, father, do get on." 



52 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

'' Not I, indeed." " Why, then, let me, I pray." 
'' Well, do ; and see what prating tongues will say." 

The boy was mounted ; and they had not got 
Much further on, before another knot, 
Just as the ass was pacing by, pad, pad, 
Cried, " ! that lazy looby of a lad I 
How unconcernedly the gaping brute 
Lets the poor aged fellow walk a-foot." 

Down came the son, on hearing this account, 

And begged and prayed, and made his father mount ; 

Till a third party, on a further stretch, 

'' See ! see " exclaimed, ^' that old hard-hearted wretch ! 

How like a justice there he sits, or squire ; 

While the poor lad keeps wading through the mire." 

*' Stop,'' cried the lad, still vexed in deeper mind, 

^' Stop, father, stop ; let me get on behind." 

This done, they thought they certainly should please, 

Escape reproaches, and be both at ease ; 

For, having tried each practicable way, 

What could be left for jokers now to say 1 

Still disappointed by succeeding tone, 
^' Hark ye, you fellows ! Is that ass your own 1 
Get off, for shame ! or one of you, at least ! 
You both deserve to carry the poor beast. 
Ready to drop down dead upon the road, 
With such a huge unconscionable load." 

On this they both dismounted ; and, some say. 

Contrived to carry, like a truss of hay, 

Tiie ass between 'em ; prints, they add, are seen 

With man and lad, and slinging ass between j 

Others omit that fancy in the print. 

As overstraining an ingenious hint. 

The copy that we follow says, the man 
Rubbed down the ass, and took to his first plan, 



COME AND GO. 53 

Walked to the fair, and sold him, got his price, 
And gave his son this pertinent advice : 
'' Let talkers talk ; stick thou to what is best j 
To think of pleasing all — is all a jest." 



COME AND GO. 

SHAEPE. 

Dick Dawdle had land worth two hundred a-year, 
Yet from debt and from dunning he never was free, 

His intellect was not surprisingly clear, 
But he never felt satisfied how it could be. 

The raps at his door, and the rings at his gate, 
And the threats of a jail he no longer could bear; 

So he made up his mind to sell half his estate, 

Which would pay all his debts, and leave something to spare. 

He leased to a farmer the rest of his land 

For twenty-one years ; and on each quarter day 

The honest man went with the rent in his hand. 
His liberal landlord, delighted, to pay. 

Before half the term of the lease had expired. 

The farmer, one day, with a bagful of gold. 
Said, " Pardon me, sir, but I long have desired 

To purchase my farm, if the land can be sold. 

<« Ten years I've been blest with success and with health, 
With trials a few — I thank God, not severe — 

I am grateful, I hope, though not proud of my wealth, 
But I've managed to lay by a hundred a year." 

*' Why how," exclaimed Dick, " can this possibly be 1 " 
(With a stare of surprise, and a mortified laugh) j 

" The whole of my farm proved too little for me, 
And you, it appears, have grown rich upon half,'''* 

" I hope you'll excuse me," the farmer replies, 

'' But I'll tell you the cause, if your honor would know ; 



54 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

In two little words all the difference lies, 
I always say come, and you used to say ^o." 

'' Well, and what does that mean, my good fellow 1 " he said. 

'^ Why this, sir, that /always rise with the sun ; 
You said ' ^o ' to your man, as you lay in your bed, 

I say, ' Come, Jack, with me,' and I see the work done." 



HOW THEY POP THE QUESTION. 

ANONYMOUS. 

The sailor says : '' I like your rig ; 

And though I've noticed many, 
I really think you are, old girl, 

As trim a craft as any. 
And if you'll say the word, 

Through every kind of weather, 
Just blast my timbers if we don't 

Go cruising on together." 

The poet with enraptured gaze, 

Points out a single star — 
" 'Tis thus, sweet lady, that you shine 

On mortals from afar; 
But ah ! it is my fondest hope — 

Though selfish, I must own — 
That in some modest, vine-wreathed cot 

You'll shine for me alone." 

The dancing master — French, of course — 

Thinks earnestly of mating, 
And seeks some lovely widow with 

A bow excruciating. 
'' Madame, ze heart is in ze hope 

You love a leetle beet. 
And go ze way of life wiz me — 

Madame, I kecs your feet." 



HOW THEY POP THE QUESTION. 55 

The actx)r quotes from many plays, 

And swears by all the powers, 
His hand shall build his Annabelle 

A cot among tlie flowers. 
Without her smiles he e'er is like 

A ship without a rudder ; 
Then talks of dark despair and death, 

Until he makes her shudder. 

And Pat, the coachman, winks at Bid, 

As she flies from room to room — 
The ever merry chambennaid, 

With dusting-pan and broom — 
He says, " Me darlint, when we've laid 

Us by a heap of money, 
We'll get the praste to tie the knot, 

If you'll say yes, me honey." 

Says Hans Yon Schmidt, who keeps saloon, 

'' I want to get un vrow, 
As helps me make der lager pier, 

Und milks de prindle cow ; 
To make mine shirts, und cook der krout, 

Und eberytings to do ; 
To feed der horse und slop der pig, 

Und tend my papies too." 

And even Sam, the barber-man, 

At Lize rolls up his eyes. 
And talks of matrimonial bliss, 

With most lieart-rendlng sighs. 
"Ef you don't gub dat lily hand 

To dis yerlub-sick nigger, 
He puts dis pistol to him head. 

And den he pulls the trigger." 

'Tis thus mankind rush to their fate. 

For with a brilliant light, 
That httle elfin being, Love, 



5S COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Has power beyond the sight. 
Like children's barks, adown the falls, 

To waters still below, 
Some glide along without a heart, 

And some to ruin go. 



THE CLEVEE IDIOT. 

ANONYMOUS. 

A BOY, as nursery records tell, 
Had dropp'd his drumstick in a well ; 
He had good sense enough to know 
He would be beaten for't, and so 
Sliiy (tho' silly from his cradle) 
Took from the shelf a silver ladle, 
And in the water down it goes, 
After the drumstick, I suppose. 

The thing was miss'd, the servants blamed, 

But in a week no longer named ; 

Now this not suiting his designs, 

A silver cup he next purloins 

(To aid his plan, he never stopp'd), 

And in the water down it dropped. 

This caused some words and much inquiry, 

And made his parents rather try ; 

Both for a week were vexM and cross, 

And then — submitted to the loss. 

At length, to follow up his plan, 

Our little, clever idiot man. 

His father's favorite silver waiter 

Next cast into the wat'ry crater. 

Now this, indeed, was what the cook 

And butler could not overlook ; 

And all the servants of the place 

Were searched, and held in much disgrace. 



THE KNIGHTS. 

The boy now call'd out, " Cook, here — Nell j 
What's this so shining in the well ] " 

This was enough to give a hint 
That the lost treasure might be in't ; 
So for a man with speed they sent, 
Who down the well directly went. 
They listen with expectant ear, 
At last these joyful words they hear, 
*' Oh, here's the ladle, and the cup. 
And waiter too — so draw me up." 

" Hold (quoth the boy), a moment stay, 
Bring something else that's in your way." 
Adding (with self-approving grin), 
'• My drumstick, now your hand is in." 



THE KNIGHTS ; OE, BOTH EIGHT AND BOTH 
WEONG. 

When chivalry was all the taste, 

And honor stamped each dauntless breast j 

When falsehood was esteemed a shame. 

And heroes bled for virtuous fame ; 

To right the wronged, protect the weak. 

And dry the tear on beauty's cheek ; 

Two bearded knights, on milk-white steeds, 

Equipped for tilts, and martial deeds, 

Perchance, met on a spacious plain. 

Where stood a trophy to the slain ; 

A mighty shield, on one side white. 

The other black as ebon night ; 

Emblem of spotless virtue's fall, 

And death's dark triumph over all. 

Both stopped to view this curious sight, 
But viewed it in a different light: 



68 COMIC KECITATIONS. 

" Bless me !" cries one, how white this shield! 

How bright it shines across the field ! " 

'' White ! " says the oLber, ''no such thing ; 

'Tis blacker than the raven's wing ! " 

" Recall your words, presumptuous youth ; 

A knight should never jest with truth," 

'' 'Tis you who want to jest, not I. 

The shield is black ! " '' By heaven, you lie ! " 

*' Now, Truth, bear witness to my vow — 

I'll die, base knight, or make thee bow ! " 

While both with sudden passion stormed, 

And rage each angry face deformed, 

From wordy war, to blows they turn, 

And with revenge and fury burn : 

On either helm the sword descends, 

Each trusty helm the head defends ; 

And on the impenetrable mail, 

The sounding strokes fall thick as hail. 

They prance their coursers round and round, 

Each hopes to give the lucky wound ; 

And each, convinced himself is right. 

Maintains, with equal hope, the fight ; 

Nor doubts to make his rival own. 

Success attends on truth alone. 

By chance, a clown, who passed that way, 
At a distance saw the doubtful fray ; 
Who, though he relished not hard blows. 
Esteemed it right to interpose. 

'' Good sirs ! " he cried, then made his bow, 
Respectful, difiident and low, 
" I'm but a simple man, 'tis true ! 
But wish to serve and save you too ; 
And he who's wronged, I'll take his part, 
With all my soul, and all my heart ! " 

The knights, by this time almost spent. 
To honest Hodge attention lent : 



THE KNIGHTS. 59 

For e'en the presence of a fool 

Will sometimes stubborn stomachs cool j 

And when for trifles men fall out 

A trifle oft brings peace about. 

Each, thinking Hodge must prove him right, 

And justify his partial sight, 

Made haste the matter to disclose, 

That caused this war of words and blows, 

And asked if black or white the shield, 

That stood conspicuous on the field, 

For passion still had kept them blind ; 

Passion, the shutters of the mind. 

" Faith," said the clown, and scratched his head, 

" Your honors straight shall be obeyed : 

'Tis neither white nor black, but both • 

And this is true 1 11 take niy oath. 

One side is black, the other white : 

Each saw it in a single light. 

But had you viewed the shield all round. 

Both would have right and wrong been found. 

The wondering knights like stuck pigs stared, 
While Hodge the simple truth declared ; 
And each, ashamed of passion's sw^ay. 
Lifts up his eyes ; when, bright as day, 
The shield both black and white appeared, 
And both from falsehood's stain were cleared. 
They thanked kind Hodge, and parted friends ; 
Resolved for wrath to make amends, 
By looking twice ere once ihej fought. 
And always aiding strength with thought. 

Hence we this precious moral draw ; 
Fixed as the Medes and Persians' law — 
That he who only one side sees, 
With erring judgment oft decrees ; 
And he who only one tale hears, 
'Gainst half the truth oft shuts his ears. 



60 COMIC RECITATIONS. 



HOW THE LAWYEE GOT A PATEON SAINT. 

A LEGEND OF BRETAGNE. 

SAXE. 

A LAWYER of Brittany, once on a time, 
When business was flagging at home, 

Was sent as a legate to Italy's clime, 
To confer with the Father at Rome. 

And what was the message the minister brought 1 
To the Pope he preferred a complaint 

That each other profession a Patron had got. 
While the Lawyers had never a Saint ! 

" Very true," said his Holiness, — smiling to find 

An attorney so civil and pleasant, — 
'' But my very last Saint is already assigned. 

And I can't make a new one at present. 

" To choose from the Bar it were fittest, I think ; 

Perhaps you've a man in your eye ;" 
And his Holiness here gave a mischievous wink 

To a Cardinal sitting near by. 

But the lawyer replied, in a lawyer-like way, 
" I know what is modest, I hope ; 

I didn't come hither, allow me to say- 
To profier advice to the Pope ! " 

*' Very well," said his Holiness, '' then we will do 

The best that may fairly be done ; 
It don't seem exactly the thing, it is true. 

That the Law should be Saint-less alone. 

*' To treat your profession as well as I can, 
And leave you no cause of complaint, 

I propose, as the only quite feasible plan, 
To give you a second-hand Saint. 



JOSH BILLINGS ON LAUGHING. 61 

*' To the neighboring church 3'ou will presently go 
And this is the plan I advise : — 

First, say a few aves — a hundred or so- 
Then, carefully bandage your eyes ; 

*' Then (saying more aves^ go groping around, 

And, touching one object alone, 
The Saint you are seeking will quickly be found, 

For the first that you touch is your own." 

The lawyer did as his Holiness said, 

Without an omission or flaw ; 
Then, taking the bandages off from his head, 

What do you think he saw 7 

There was St. Michael (figured in paint) 

Subduing the Father of Evil ; 
And the lawyer, exclaiming " Be thou our Saint ! " 

AVas touchinor the form of the Devil ! 



JOSH BILLINGS ON LAUGHING. 

Laughing is strikly an amuzement, altbo some folks make 
a bizzness ov it. It baz bin considered an index ov karakter, 
and tbare iz sum, so close at reasoning, tbat tbey say, tbey 
kan tell what a man bad for dinner, by seeing bim laff. I 
never savr two laff alike. Wbile tbare are some, who don't 
make enny noise, tbare are sum, who dont make ennything 
but noise ; and some agin, who hav musik in their laff, and 
others, who laff just az a rat duz, who baz caught a steel 
trap with his tale. Tbare is no mistake in the assershun, 
that it is a cumfert tew hear sum laffs, that cum rompin out 
ov a man's mouth, just like a distrik school ov yung girls 
let out tew play. Then agin tbare iz sum laffs, that are az 
kold and meaningless az a yesterday's bukwheat pancake — 
that cum out ov the mouth twisted, and gritty, az a 2 inch 
auger, drawed out ov a hemlok board. One ov these kind 



62 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

ov laffs haz no more cumfert in it than the — stummuk ake 
haz, and makes yu feel, when yu hear it, az though yu waz 
being shaved bi a dull razer, without the benefit ov soap, 
or klerg}^ Men who never laff may have good hartes, 
but they are deep seated — like sum springs, they hav their 
inlet and outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble 
on the brim. I dont like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like 
the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit ov good smell 
about it. It iz true that enny kind ov a laff iz better than 
none — but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes 
fust, to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the 
dimple ov his cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, 
then waltzes a spell, at the korners ov his mouth, like a 
thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov buty, and fills the air 
for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued sparks — - 
then steals bak, with a smile, to its lair, in the harte, tew 
watch agin for its prey — this it is the kind ov laff that i luv 
and ain't afrade ov. 



THE NIGHT AETEE CHEISTMAS. 

ANONYMOUS. 

'TwAS tlie night after Christmas — when all through the house 

Every soul was abed, and as still as a mouse, 

Tliose stockings, so lately St. Nicholas' care, 

Weie emptied of all that was eatable there. 

The darlings had duly been tucked in their beds, 

With very full stomachs, and pain in their heads ; 

I was dozing away in ray new cotton cap, 

And Nancy w^as rather far gone in a nap, 

When out in the nurs'ry arose such a clatter, 

I sprang from my sleep, crying '' What is the matter?" 

I rushed to each bedside, still half in a doze, 

Tore open the curtains, and threw down the clothes, 

While the light of the taper served clearly to show 

The piteous plight of those objects below. 

For what to the fond father's eyes should appear, 

But the little pale face of each sick little dear. 



THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS , 63 

Each pet, having crammed itself full as a tick', 

I knew in a moment now felt like '' Old Nick." 

Their pulses Avere rapid, their breathini^s the same. 

What their stomachs rejected I'll mention h}^ name : 

Now turkey, now stuffing, plum-pudding — of course 

Now custards, now comfits, now cranberry sauce ; 

Before outraged nature each went to tiie wall, 

Aye ! loUypops, flapdoddle — great things and small, 

As from throes epigastric, indigestibles fly, 

So figs, nuts and raisins, jam, jelly and pie : 

All the horrors of surfeit thus brought to my view. 

To the shame of mamma and Santa Claus too. 

I turned from the sight : to my bed-room stepped back, 

And brought out a vial marked "Pulv. Ipecac," 

When my Nancy exclaimed (for their sufferings shocked her), 

" Don't you think you had better, love, run for the doctor 1 " 

I ran — and was scarcely back under the roof. 

When 1 heard the sharp clatter of old Jalap's hoof; 

I might sa}^ — I had hardly had time to turn 'round, 

When the doctor came into the room with a bound. 

He was spattered with mud from his hat to his boots, 

And the clothes he had on seemed the drollest of suits ; 

In his haste he'd put all quite awry on his back. 

And he looked like Jolm Falstaff half-fuddled with sack. 

His eyes how they twinkled ! Had the doctor got merry 1 

His cheeks looked like Port, and his breath smelt of Sherry ; 

He hadn't been shaved — so to baffle the breeze. 

The beard on his chin served as •' cheveux de frisey 

But inspecting their tongues in despite of their teeth, 

And drawing his watch from his waistcoat beneath, 

He felt of each ])ulse, saying " each little belly 

Must get rid of the rest of that pie-ciust and jelly." 

I gazed on each chubby, plump, sick little elf, 

And goaned when he said it, in spite of myself; 

But a wink of his eye, as he physicked dear Fied, 

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread ; 

He didn't prescribe — but went straightway to work 

And dosed all the rest — gave his trousers a jerk, 

And adding directions while blowing his nose, 



64 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

He buttoned his coat — from his chair he arose, 
• Then jumped in his gig — gave old Jalap a whistle, 
And Jalap dashed off as if pricked by a thistle ; 
But the doctor exclaimed ere he drove out of sight, 
" More cases just like them ! Good night ! Jones, good night ! '' 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 

A PETITE COMEDY IN ONE ACT. 



HOWARD PAUL. 



€l)mnthxB. 



Sir Charles Ripple, Bart. 
Lyttleton Page, Esq. 
Mrs. Darlington. 

Costumes- — Ordinary, of the day. 

Stage Directions. — R. means 'Right; X., Left; C, Centre^ R, C, 
Right of Centre ; L. C, Left of Centre; D. F., Door in the Flat, 
or Scene running across the hack of the Stage; C D. F.^ Centre 
Door in the Flat ; D. R. C, Right Door in the Flat ; X. C. F., 
Left Door in the Flat; R. D., Right Door ; X. X., Left Door ; 2 
X., Second Entrance ; U. X., Upper Entrance, The reader is sup- 
posed to he on the Stage, facing the audience. 

Scene. — A drawing-room elegantly furnished. Door c. and r. and l. 
— tables R. and l. — mirror over mantel-shelf — pens and ink — books 
— bell on table — embroidery frame — couch, chairs, etc. 

Enter Page, c. from l. 

Page. (Speaks as he enters.) I am sorry she is out ! (Speak- 
ing off.) Tell the brougham to remain — I will wait your 
mistress's return. (Gazing ahout admiringly.) It is here my 
Diva reigns — on this couch she reposes — in this mirror her 
beautiful eyes are reflected ! ( Walking about the room restlessly.) 
Let me see what new greeting I can devise — what new com- 
pliment pay her. Shall I tell her that she is as beautiful as 
an angel and simple as a cowslip ? Pshaw ! that don't sound 
the thing ! angels and cowslips don't go well together I 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 65 

What a gift it is, to be able to look cruelly cbarming to the 
woman you love, and utter some miraculous sentiment that 
never was thought of before ! ( Takes newf^paper from pocket, 
and sit.% L.) Law, bless me ! Lord Palmleaf put up again 
for — um ! — (as if skimming an article) promises reform, ballot, 
abolition of — Ah, yes, the old story ! promise everything, 
and do — 

£nter Mrs. Darlington, c, followed by Footman. 

Mrs. D. [Speaking as she enters.) Remember, Thomas, if the 
gentleman next door calls, I will hear what he has to say. 
(Seeing Page, who rises.) Good morning, Mr. Page — I saw 
your brougham at the door. 

Page. I have just this moment come. You observe, I 
make no stranger of myself! (Mes. Darlixgtox gives hcnnet 
and shawl to Footma:n", who exits, E,. D.) 

Mrs. D. I have been over to St. George's to witness a 
grand wedding. The bride was a beautiful girl, and I should 
think, not more then nineteen — she looked perfectly radiant 
in her silken robes ! (Sits, E.) Poor creature ! another vic- 
tim ! Oh, by the way, Mr. Page, I must tell you before I 
forget it — my new tenant, next door, is very troublesome. 
He has left his card twice this week, and quite insists on an 
interview. Isn't it a bore to be harassed in this manner ? 

Page. Perhaps he wishes some repairs. 

Mks. D. I have a suspicion that he is an admirer ! 

Page. (Warmly.) Eh? you will not receive him then, 
surely ? 

Mrs. D. (Laughingly.) "Why should I not? To what am 
I indebted for such an early visit from you to-day ? 

Page. Most important business, which I'll communicate 
after — 

Mrs. D. What? 

Page. Paying due homage to your bes.uty. 

Mrs. D. Now for pity's sake, let me beg of you, as an 
especial favor, not to do anything of the sort. If you only 
knew how sick I am of compliments, and you are so lavish 
of them ! Do be more economical in future ^ 



66 * COMIC KECITATIONS. 

Page. If you were less interesting I might I 

Mrs. D. There — there, you must imagine that I am. Be- '. 
sides, you remember our compact — you are never to be sen- 
timental in my presence. 

Page. But how can a man employ cold words with a 
flame burning in his breast. (Sighing.) An amber flame, if I 
may so term it, that has burned three long years. 

Mrs. D. Don't talk such nonsense, Mr. Page. Three 
years ! I was then under the protection — or, I should 
rather say, the domination of a husband. 

Page. But you have been a widow more than a year. 

Mrs. D. And intend remaining one for many more to 
come. 

Page. In other words — I am doomed to love you for ever 
without hope ! 

Mrs. D. But what compels you to love me ? 

Page. Your thousand graces — your wit — your — 

Mrs. D. (Taking a fan from pocket, which she shakes at him,) 
You are beginning again ! 

Page. I stop I (Placing his hand on his mouth.) 

Mrs. D. I tell you nothing new, when I repeat I have re- 
nounced for ever all ideas of matrimony ! Heigh o ! what 
experience I have had, was — But there is no use of reviving 
bitter recs^llections ! 

Page. You were sacrified ! 

Mrs. D. Yes, yes — all woman are ! My husband, to be 
sure, had good qualities, but unfortunately, he had possessed 
them too long ! Sixty-two years ! and the gout made him 
irritable, impatient, and fretful — true, he was amiable when 
in good health, but as he suffered ten months in twelve, you 
can form an estimate of my happiness ! 

Page. All you say proves the justice of my position. 
Now if you had married a superb, dashing fellow — in point 
of fact, a perfect man — 

Mrs. D. (Banferinghj ) Like yourself — 

Page. How well you use the privilege of your sex ! But 
the idea of a man of seventy — 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. ^^ 

Mrs. D. Sixty-two, if you please ! Don't make it worse 
tlian it was ! 

Page. Well, sixty-two. Love has lost its bloom, and men 
marry at that age to be nursed. 

Mrs. D. Husbands are much alike, young or old — they 
are all despotic, treacherous, exacting, or capricious; they 
are kind and attentive sometimes, I admit, but it's only when 
the humor takes them. It is honey and caresses one mo- 
ment, and wormwood and indifference the next. [Cromng.) 
So if you do not wish me to hate you, pray don't love me a 
minute longer. 

Page. Do you think I can dismiss you from my heart as 
I would a witness from the box. (Taking pape?' from Jus Ireost 
poclcet.) You urge me, I find, to the dull business purport of 
my call this morning. I require your signature to this 
document, before filing it in the Court of Chancery. 

Mrs. D. ( Taking it and signs.) You lawyers are a world of 
trouble. It seems that my husband's estate yields nothing 
but vexation. {Returning it.) 

Page. Out of which one good arises — I am enabled to see 
you oftener than I otherwise should. 

Mrs. D. Kot going to begin again, I hope I I will save 
your imagination any further trouble by wishing you good 
morning, Mr. Page. [Aside.) Provoking creature ! if he would 
only worship me less, I believe I should love him ten times 
better. [^Exit, R. 

Page. (Pacing the stage.) Well, she is either the most indif- 
ferent woman in the world, or has a happy knack of seem- 
ing so. Her heart is as impregnable as a fortress. She has 
the most implicit confidence in me in all affairs save those 
of love. If I were a fool, or even ugly or deformed, I could 
in some measure account for her coldness, but — (Pausing 
opposite mirror and regarding himself.) Confound the thing — a 
countenance like mine ought to do something for me. 
Enter Sir Charles Ripple, d. — he strolls in leisurely^ and speaks off 
as he enters. 

Sir C. Yes, yes, it is quite right — I'll wait till your mis- 
tress returns. 



68 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Page. {Seeing Mm — aside.) Who is that ? 

Sir C. a man here — not favorable ! 

Page. [Aside.) What a striking likeness to Sir Charles 
Hippie ! 

SiPw C. {Aside.) He's confoundedly like Lyttleton Page. 

Page. {Bowing.) I beg your pardon ! {Aside.) It must be. 

Sir C. {After a mutual glance of recognition.) I am sure of 
it. {Aloud.) Why, Page, how are you? {Extending his hand.) 

Page. Sir Charles ! I thought it was you the moment I 
set eyes on you. I'm glad to see you. It has been tim 
years since we met ! B 

Sir C. Quite right ! I've been home from Italy these 
three months. And how goes the world with you. Page — 
the London world — still a bachelor ? 

Page. Still a bachelor ; but fiercely in love, notwith- 
standing. 

Sir C. a lawyer in love ! ha, ha I Cupid and Coke ! what 
a partnership ! 

Page. It's folly to suppose a man is master of his own 
heart ! 

Sir C. The popular notion is that your profession is not 
troubled with that organ. 

Page. In my case, popular idea is in error, for in the 
matter of heart, the deficit is on the side of the lady ! 

Sir C. Do you mean to say she has rejected you? 

Page. I fear so ; and the unfortunate part of the business 
is, leaving my bruised feelings out of the case, she is worth 
five thousand pounds a-year ! 

Sir C. Now I clearly understand your emotion — I can 
sympathise with you ! 

Page. It has not been for want of enterprise, I assure you 
— I have been most attentive — slavishly so ; and as for com- 
pliments, I have positively ransacked my library for grace- 
ful images and glowing fancies to embroider my conversa- 
tion. 

Sir C. And do you suppose your " ladye fair" doesn't 
understand embroidery better than yourself ? 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 69^ 

Page. I believe she would reject the advances of any 
man, though he were as tender as Romeo, impassioned as 
Petrarch, persuasive as Mephistopheles, and elegant as 
Chesterfield. Mrs. Darlington, I fear, is unconquerable. 

Sir C. Oh, is she the object of your affections ? 

Page. Do you know her ? of course you do ! 

Sis C. No, I do not yet ! 

Page. (With surjyrise.) Then how is it I find you in t^ll9 
drawing-room ? 

Sir C. This is the first time I was ever here in my life ! 
everything must have a beginning, even an acquaintance 
with a lady ! 

Page. But if you do not know her, by what right or what 
plea are you here I I confess I was never so amazed in my life I 

Sir p. Then if you micst know, I rented of her agent the 
house next door a few weeks since, and this is a visit of re- 
spect. True, it is not exactly an English custom — our civil- 
ization is so deplorably humdrum. I picked it up in Venice 
— haule galanterie, you perceive ; and a tenant, if he be well 
bred and well travelled should — 

Page. Come, come. Sir Charles, don't shelter your motives 
under the house next door. 

Sir C. Don't be jealous, my dear Page. Although neigh- 
bors, we have never exchanged kisses at the window, nor 
forget-me-nots by moonlight ! 

Page. Still fond of adventure, Sir Charles ? 

Sir C. As Childe Harold or a troubadour, and would go as 
far in quest of it. 

Page. (Withperjdexity.) Yes, yes, oh yes I (Aside.) I trust 
he will not display his love of adventure under this roof. 

Sir p. (Aside.) Jealous already, and perplexed as well ! 

Page. Your object, I perceive, is to make love to Mrs. 
Darlington, and I frankly tell- you that you might as well 
save yourself the trouble. 

Sir C. (Inter rnjitingly.) Trouble! ha, ha! 

Page. You have the example of my failure before your 
eyes. 



70 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Sir C. You are one man. Venus married Yulcan, a filthy 
blacksmith, after having refused a dozen excellent offers, at 
least. It requires no ballooning in metaphysics, to demon- 
strate the caprice and wilfulness of women. 

Page. {Gravely.) But I assure you she dislikes all men. 
She avers they are despotic, capricious, exacting, and cruel. 
What delights other women enrages her; and as to her 
opinions, they are always opposite to your own. Now what 
can one do to shift hers round to yours ? 

Sir C. Always be of hers, and there will be no occasion 
for her to change. It is a vast mistake to differ with a wo- 
man on any point. I have a theory of my own that a 
woman can be won by indifference sooner than any other 
method. 

Page. It don't strike me. 

Sir C. How long have you known Mrs. Darlington ? 

Page. Let me see — three — nearly four years. 

Sir C. The enigma is solved — you have known her too 
long, If I undertook to lay siege to a heart, I would answer 
to carrying it at three assaults. Come, Page, I will deal 
frankly with you. I confess I was^ captivated by your 
charming widow ; and it was perfectly natural for me, as a 
next door neighbor, to cultivate her acquaintance, if possi- 
ble ! But much as I admire her, I resign my intentions, 
unless — Now it occurs to me that I can serve you and illus- 
trate my doctrine, that women are soonest won by indiffer- 
ence. What do you say — shall we become affiliated like the 
llluminati^ and engage in the cause with one heart ? It will 
cost me a pang, but that is nothing where the happiness of 
a friend is involved. What do you say — shall we unite our 
forces and strengthen our means of attack ? The affair will 
amuse me ; and it's a sad case if two man can't win the heart 
of one woman. 

Page. Sir Charles, you arc distinguished for your ingenu- 
ity and power of reasoning. You might succeed in inducing 
her to believe me worthy of her serious consideration. This 
rencontre is most fortunate ! Perhaps if I had not met you, 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 71 

the widow would have been lost to me for ever. And what 
a loss it Avould have been — such a delightful woman ! 

Sir C. And five thousand a-year — you shouldn't forget 
that ! 

Page. Now, I shall leave the affair in your hands. (Aside.) 
Courting by deputy may not be en regie, but as I can do 
nothing unaided in the case, I cannot help but benefit by 
junior counsel. {Aloud,) Au rtvoir I I shall soon be with 
you again. [_£Jxit, C. 

Sir C. I always knew Lyttleton Page to be a somewhat 
feeble individual, but if any one had told me that he was 
such a consummate blockhead, I would have kicked the in- 
former. The idea, in this nineteenth century, of creature 
No. 1 trusting fellow creature No. 2 to erect a temple of 
love for creature No. 1 to inhabit, and the temple worth five 
thousand pounds a-year, passes belief. 

Bnter Mrs. Darlin"gtoNj r., speaking as she entevi, 

Mrs. D. Some one here, and unannounced ! ( To Eipples.) 
I beg pardon, sir — whom have I the pleasure of addressing ? 
(//d ?7,se,s, lows, and Iiands her his card.) This is not the first 
card of yours that has been put into my hands. I think 
*' not at home " was always the reply, which, to a man of 
discernment, is sufficiently obvious ! 

Sir C. I must crave your pardon, for one moment. I have 
the honor of being your tenant, and at the same moment 
your very humble servant. I have been residing abroad for 
some years, and it is the custom in Venice for all tenants to 
pay a visit of respect to their 'proiprietaive, especially if it be 
a lady ! 

Mrs. D. But you are now in England — London and 
Yenice are widely different. 

Sir C. Truly, but I also wish to consult you — 

Mrs. D. [Ldtrruptiagly.) About some repairs, I presume ? 

Sir G. {Catching at the idea.) Yes, yes, precisely! (Aside.) 
She assists me. (Aloud.) One of the chimneys smokes like 
Vesuvius before an eruption. 



72 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Mrs. D. My man of business shall send you a bricklayer ! 
It was scarcely necessary to wait on me to tell me a chim- 
ney smoked ! Perhaps that, too, is a Venetian custom ! 

Sir C. You have anticipated my assurance on that point. 
{Pointing to the couch.) I beg pardon, would you have the 
kindness to be seated ? 

Mrs. D. Sir ! 

>SiR C. It grieves me to see you stand. 

Mrs. D. But, sir, it seems to me that it is I who — {Afiide,) 
Was there ever such cool audacity. He is positively doing 
the honor of my own house. 

Sir C. Let me beg of you — 

Mrs. D. Since you insist on it, thank you ! {Sits at table, 
R.) His sang f void is positively amusing. 

Sir C. You are extremely gracious to respect my desire ! 
[Aside.) I am getting on ! 

Mrs. D. It's clear he must not be encouraged ! [Takes em- 
troidery frame, turns her hack, and begins icoiking.) 

Sir C. {Aside.) I don't wonder Page adores her — she is a 
charming woman ! [Tarns over leaves of books on taKe — a slight 
silence.) 

Mrs. D. Although presumptuous, he has not much to say 
for himself! [Looking round.) I declare, he is reading! 

Sir C. [Beads.) "Oh, thou in Hellas deemed of heavenly 
birth ! " 

Mrs. D. I beg your pardon, did you speak ? 

Sir C. Not at all. 

Mrs. D. I regret interrupting you ! 

Sir C. Pray don't mention it ! [He continues reading, and 
she embroiders.) 

Mrs. D. {Aside.) What a bear he is ! {Aloud.) Hem I 

Sir C. Hem ! 

Mrs. D. Hem! {Aside.) If these are Venetian manners, I 
prefer our plain English customs! [Aloud.) Are you aware, 
Sir Charles Hippie, that in England a visit involves some- 
thing more than reading ? 

Sir C. {Closing the book.) True — I was absorbed I 



A CHxVNGE OF SYSTEM. 73 

Mrs. D. And you a traveller, too ! one would imagine 
you glowing with reminiscence ! The Forum by moonlight, 
a sunrise from Monte Rosa, a morning at Versailles, an ex- 
cursion on Lake Leman, a drive on the Bois de Boulogne, 
or a promenade in Naples, might surely suggest a conversa- 
tion. The enchantment of Yenice, where you have resided, 
should make eloquent any man with soul. 

Sir C. Granted — if they had not been described to death. 
Everybody who could put pen to paper, or pencil to canvas 
for the last three centuries, has had a fling at Yenice. I 
may, therefore, hold myself exempt from so hackneyed a 
theme, and shall not inflict on you so much as the descrip- 
tion of a gondola. 

Mrs. D. (Aside.) Convenient sophistry I 

Sir C. {After a Irief pau^e,) I think we shall have rain 
before night. 

She makes no reply — he hums a melody^ and again resumes his reading. 

Mrs. D. Are you musical ? 

Sir C. I play a little on the drum ! 

Mrs. D. a brilliant accomplishment ! {Ironically.) And 
Venetian, I presume. I fear you dislike conversation ? 

Sir C. Not I — but casual visiting is so fatal to unreserved 
utterance. We might chat for an hour and get no further 
than common places ! It would seem inappropriate, if not 
eccentric, for me to say anything eloquent or sincere ! 

Mrs. D. It is a woman's prerogative to gossip ! Besides, 
it is so easy, and requires no mental strain ! One can't be 
always on stilts ! 

Sir C. Do you know that in Yenice conversation is quite 
gone out of fashion ? The practice has degenerated to law- 
yers, and men of that stamp. 

Mrs. D. It is odd you should make that remark, for I was 
about to observe that a legal friend of mine, Mr. Lyttleton 
Page, never opens his lips in my presence but out falls a 
vow, or a compliment. 

Sir C. I am surprised that any lady of sense will listen 



74 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

to vows wliicli I liken to I, O, U's, with which the bankrupt 
6f one sex pays to the other the debts of its heart. 

Mrs. D. Your simile is that of a commercial traveller, 
who has been jilted ! 

Sir C. One feels a degree of latitude in speaking of an 
intimate friend ! 

Mrs. D. (Aside.) An intimate friend! (Aloud.) I was not 
aware that you knew Mr. Page ! He is one of the most 
gallant men alive — his compliments are masterpieces. 

Sir C. (Aside.) Filched from his library by his own con- 
fession. (ShaJcing his head.) Humph ! 

Mrs. D. (IronicaVy.) You are extremely civil, I must con- 
fess ! I don't see the harm of a few courtiers ! 

Sir C. They went out with coaching, high heels, patches, 
and powder. They were all very well as toadies to the 
Charleses, and it answered the purpose of Louis Quatorze to 
cultivate the breed — but depend upon it they have lost their 
power. 

Mrs. D. Ours is imperishable ! 

Sir C. "While your beauty remains — where such a thing 
exists ! 

Mrs. D. (Anide.) Can that remark have a personal ten- 
dency ? (Aloud.) I fear I have the misfortune, then, in your 
eyes, not to be agreeable ? 

Sir C. I have aroused her vanity, that's something. 
(Aloud.) Oh, you are still well enough ! 

Mrs. D. Still ? For gracious sake, do I look like a grand- 
mother ? 

Sir C. Heaven forbid ! 

Mrs. D. Your insinuation was most unpleasant ^ and al- 
low me to add, if I do look old, it is premature, produced 
by two years of married life, sadness, and suffering. 

Sir C. Your husband must have been very unhappy. 

Mrs. D. May I inquire why? 

Sir C. It is the usual lot of husbands, and I cannot sup- 
pose that yours cscapcui more favored then the rest. (Aside,) 
That ouiirht to excite her ! 



. A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 75 

Mrs. D. [Glannng at the card.) Permit me to say, Sir 
Charles Eipple, that it is my sex who are the real suffer- 
ers. 

Sir C. a mistake, madam. A bitter experience has taught 
me the truth of what I urge. I am. a widower. 

Mrs. D. Perhaps you were unfortunate in your choice ? 

Sir C. To tell you the truth, I believe wives are all, more 
or less alike, coquettish, fidgety, vain, and frivolous ! My 
wife was a glorious woman when in good health, but un- 
fortunately she was an invalid twelve months in the year ! 

Mrs. D. (Aside,) How his experience rhymes with my 
own! (Aloud.) I maintain, all women are not what you 
assert — and I further assert that there are faultless v/omen ! 

Sir C. They must inhabit the moon, then — I have discov- 
ered none on this planet I 

Mrs. D. I perceive you do not veil your opinions. 

Sir C. To be sincere, requires heroism — and fev/ are cour- 
ageous enough to express their convictions. 

Mrs. D. Whether those convictions be'acceptable or other- 
wise to those with whom you seek contact. 

Sir C. I fear I have offended you, and lest my candor 
cause you pain, I will retire. ( Tahing his hat.) I have the 
honor of wishing you good morning. {Going up, c.) 

Mrs. D. Good morning, Sir Charles Eipple. {Aside.) Con- 
found the man ! his very rudeness has something in it that 
interests me ! 

Sir C. (Returning a few steps.) When shall I have the 
honor of seeing Mrs. Darlington again? 

Mrs. D. There is no hurry I 

Sir C. {Aside.) Which liberally construed, means, as soon 
as I please. (Aloud.) Depend upon it I shall pay you another 
visit, if that chimney continues smoking ! {Bowing.) Goocl 
morning, madam ! \_Exit, C. 

Mrs. D. I never, until this moment, suspected myself of 
possessing too much amiability ; but it occurs to me I was 
off my guard with that provoking man ! To allow a stran- 
ger to tell me that women are all coquettish, vain, frivolous ! 



76 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

it is too much ! ( Taltes vp look, turns over the leaves, and throws 
it down on table, imijaiiently.) 

Enter Page, door c. 

Oil, Mr. Page, I am glad you have returned ! 

Page, {Aside.) Already glad ! how well he has pleaded 
my cause ! 

Mrs. D. I am very angry — very angry, indeed ! 

Page. Temper does not affect your voice, then — it is the 
soul of music ! 

Mes. D. {Aside.) After what I have just experienced, a 
compliment is not unacceptable. 

Page. A rather curious circumstance causes me to return 
so soon ! I must tell you frankly that I did not know the 
adversary in one of your suits — having left the preliminaries 
to my managing clerk, and on looking over the papers, I 
discover, to ray surprise, that it is Sir Charles Bipple, one of 
my most valued friends, 

Mrs. D. Who has but this moment quitted the room — 

Page. Can it be possible 'r He's a most agreeable fellow, 
is he not ? Brave and noble, and the very pink of gallan- 
try ! {Aside.) I must place my colleague in as good a light 
as possible. {Aloud.) Did he speak of me? 

Mrs. D. (Smiling.) In the most extraordinary terms ! 

Page. {Aside.) Genei'ous creature! {Aloud.) Poor Sir 
Charles ! in some respects he has been very unfortunate ! 

Mrs. D. I suppose you mean in regard to his wife ? 

Page. I never knew he Avas married ! 

Mrs. D. {Aside. ) Was he deceiving me ? 

Page, In consideration of his misfortunes, I have come 
to propose — 

Mrs. D. {Apart, alstraciedly.) But what was his motive 
for doing so r" 

Page. {Endeavoring to engage her attention.) To propose — 

Mrs. D. {Still apart, pacing the room.) Did he descend to a 
falsehood, that he might the more effectually rail against 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 77 

Page. {Folloicing her.) To propose an amicable settlement. 
{As'de.) What's the matter with her, I wonder? 

Mrs. D. (Aside.). And I was weak enough to listen to his 
cruel reproaches ! If he dare call here again, I'll prove to 
him that I am able to defend my much injured sex. (Siis at 
table.) 

Page. I repeat, Mrs. Darlington, that in order to avoid 
delay, to say nothing of exposure, it will be better to adjust 
this affair by arbitration 

Enter Sir Charles. 
Here he is ! 

Sill C. (Bmoing ) A thousand pardons, madam. ! 

Page. Well met. Sir Charles — your name was on my 
tongue as you entered the door. I was suggesting — 

SiE, C. [Ajiart, ill an undertone.) Find an excuse to leave 
us at once ! 

Page. (Apart.) I comprehend you — we are getting on 
famously ! 

Sir C. (Apart.) No delay — every moment is of value. 

Page. (Apm^t.) Exercise all your eloquence ! 

Mrs. D (Ajyirt.) What is all that buzzing about ? 

Page. My dear Mrs. Darlington, an engagement near at 
hand demands my presence for a few moments. (To her.) 
You will pardon this abruptness. (To SiR Charles.) Day 
day. Sir Charles! (Aside.) How fortunate am I to have at 
my elbow so able an advocate in the court of Cupid. 

[Exit, c. 

Sir C. (Aside.) The widow is glancing poignards this way. 
I must soothe her. 

Mrs. D. Sir Charles Pipple, you seem to run in and out 
of my house, as if it were the Exchange or a hotel. You 
forget, sir, what is due to a lady. 

Sir C. Don't charge me with so deplorable an offence. I 
confess this visit would seem abrupt, had I not returned for 
my gloves. 

Mrs. D. ( Turning her eyes about the room, and then observing 



78 COMIC RECITATIOKS. 

Ms haiuh.) Unless suffering some optical delusion, it strikes 
me that your gloves are precisely where they should be — 
on your hands. 

Sir C. {Affecting surprise.) Why so they are. I begin to 
suspect myself of bewilderment of intellect, absence of 
mind, or some disastrous affliction. I was as profoundly 
convinced of the idea that I left my gloves here as I am 
that St. Paul's has a dome. {Removing one of his gloves delib- 
erately.) 

Mrs. D. {Aside.) Does he take me for an imbecile to be- 
lieve such nonsense ? He evidently admires me, and that is 
the secret I {Aloud,) I must say your remissness is, indeed, 
strange ; and allow me to add that your calls are too rapid 
to be agreeable. 

Sir C. {Retiring.) I fear I inconvenience you? 

Mrs. D. Trifles never put me out of the way. 

Sir C. Hem ! {Aside.) Then I may dare to regard this as 
another call ! [Sits. ) You are — 

Mrs. D. [Qui(My.) Coquettish, vain, and frivolous, like 
the rest of my sex, T suppose. 

Sir C. {Aside.) Piqued and interested — 'tis well ! 

Mrs. D. Apropos, I have just been talking with your 
friend, Mr. Page — 

Sir C. It must have afforded you great pleasure. 

Mrs. D. You were the subject of our conversation. 

Sir C. Then I am sure you were delighted I 

Mrs. D. {Aside.) Vain coxcomb ! [Aloud.) I said I was 
speaking of you — I should rather have said of your wife. 
Mr. Page could give me no information concerning her. 

Sir C. [Aside.) Invention assist me ! {Speaking sloidy, and 
seeming to invent as he proceeds.) Oh yes, that is easily explained 
— he never saw her. I married in Corsica, and my bride 
never came to England. My marriage was a curious whim, 
I confess. She was the daughter of a brigand — a pale, 
delicate, spiritual-looking creature. It was a strange, ro- 
mantic, unhappy affair. It would pain you to hear the 
details. {Aside.) For a fib at short notice, that must answer. 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 79 

Mes. D. You tell me sufficient to understand your opin- 
ions of women. You find yourself in Corsica, that hot-bed 
of vile passions, and by your own confession wed the off- 
spring of a robber, whom you set up as a standard by whom 
to judge ladies generally. It is a noble mission to bring 
you — when I say you^ I mean any man, to his senses. 

Sm C. What means will you employ? 

Mrs. D. By remarrying myself, and proving that I am a 
faultless woman. 

Sm C. You are, indeed, heroic ! 

Mils. D. I'll make an especial point of adoring my hus- 
band ! coquetry shall never enter my head — I'll take care 
that vanity and I are not on visiting terms — frivolity shall 
be set aside for a calm sense of duty. In short, sir, I'll 
make my husband a happy man, pierced by no regrets that 
he did not visit the moon in search of a wife. 

Sir C. What charming vengeance ! Now, may I inquire 
who is to be the happy man, for I presume you have made 
your choice ? 

Mrs. D. I can't see that it concerns you — 

Sir C. Nay, though, had I a list of your acquaintance, I 
should be tempted to guess. 

Mrs. D. You seem to be interested ! 

Sir C. [Warmly,) I am, very much! (Recovering hiimelf.) 
As much, madam, as a stranger dare be under the circum- 
stances. 

Mrs. D. (AsiJe.) He improves on acquaintance. (Aloud.) 
It's no very great secret, after all. I don't know why I 
should not tell you. It is — 

jEnter a Footman, announcing. 
Footman. Mr Lyttleton Page I 

Enter Page, with umbrella. 
Page. Soon returned, you see! good gracious, how it is 
raining ! It is only a passing shower, though ! 

Mrs. D. {To Sir Charles.) My servant, you see. spared 
me the confusion of mentioning the name. (To Page.) Mr. 



80 COxAilC RECITATIONS. 

Page, don't wet the carpet, if you please I Leave your um- 
brella in the hall. 

Page. How stupid of me ! I really beg your pardon ! 
(Aside to Sm Charles.) I hope I have not returned too 
quickly. ^Exit c, with umbrella. 

Sir C. I congratulate you on your choice. 

Mrs. D You are very kind! 

Sir C. I think him the man, of all others, suited to you. 

Mrs. D. {Emphatically.) Precisely my opinion I 

Page re-enters, c, as she says this. 

Page. May I ask what is your opinion ? 

Mrs. D. {Looking at watch — rises.) That I have a few orders 
to give my servant, and must leave you a moment, my dear 
Mr. Page, with Sir Charles Pipple ! 

Page. {Aude..) She said my dear Mr. Page ! 

Sir C. (Rising.) I hope I shall have the pleasure of seeing 
Mrs. Darlington again? 

Mrs. D. (Carelesdy.) If you are passing at some distant 
period, I shall be very glad ! 

Sir C. (Bowing.) Your condescension is profound! (He 
offers his arm to conduct her to the door — Page does the same — 
she accepts his and exits, R. 

Mrs. D. (To Page.) Au revoir ! 

Sir C. (Aside.) Page will be ready to jump out* of his 
skin ! 

Page. (Seizing Sir Charles ly the hands.) My dear Sir 
Charles, you have performed miracles ! 

Sir C. (Aside. ) He must not win her easily — I must torture 
him a little ! 

Page. I am confident my suit is progressing. 

Sir C. After the fashion of a crab — backwards. 

Page. Eh ? what do you mean ? 

Sir C. All my eloquence is lost on her. 

Page. But I observe a change in her manner. She called 
m.e " dear Mr. Page " just now, a thing she rarely does, expect 
in a blooming temper. 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 81 

Sib C I am aware of all that, but lawyer as you are, you 
do not seem to detect the weak points of your client's case. 
Those soft words are the mere delusive prologue to some- 
thing extremely disagreeable that is to follow. So don't be 
off your guard. 

Page. Can it be possible ? 

Sir C. Stay a moment. You shall be spared the pain and 
mortification of the scheme she meditates — anticipate her 
cruelty by assuring her in distinct terms that your affection 
was only feigned. 

Page. She would be furious ! 

Sir C. There you go ! women are beyond the pale of your 
comprehension. Do you suppose their exquisite perception 
is blinded by idle compliments, which, after all, are mere 
prismatic bubbles blown with the softest of soap. Believe, 
me, indifference is the only true plan. At first they will 
detest you, bat in the end they will determine to reform 
you by making you adore them. Be advised — change your 
system. 

Page. By Jove, I believe you are right. I have tried 
honey for a long time to no purpose. 

Sir C. Sweets clog ! the reign of sapphires and fairies is 
over. You may flatter like the book of beauty, but it will 
not serve your purpose. 

Page. For an experiment, I will change my system. Ill 
assure Mrs. Darlington that the wedding-ring should be of 
iron — not gold. 

Sir C. Quite right ! 

Page. That women are all vain ! 

Sir C. Capital ! 

Page. And coquettish ! 

Sir C. Bravo ! 

Page. And that in courting her society I was only in 
search of a sensation. 

Sir C. You'll take her by storm. Her surprise will be 
something marvellous. Pll leave you together at once, and 
strike while the determination is warm upon you. Show 



82 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

her that your accustomed honey has fermented, and that 
your complimentary sugar has fallen in the market. (Aside.) 
What fun, to lead them into a cloud. (Aloud.) I wish you 
all the success this change of system deserves. lExlt, c. 

Page. I fear I shall proceed awkwardly, though. It will 
seem clumsy to mix up compliments and cruelty — a pane- 
gyric in one breath and a reproach the next. (Drawing him- 
self up.) But I'll be as brutal as common decency will per- 
mit. If there is anything in this cold water system, I'll 
spare no pains in ascertaining it. 

Enter Mrs. Darlington, r. 

Mrs. D. My dear Mr. Page, I hope you will not think 
me rude in quitting you just now ? 

Page. (Aside.) *' My dear Mr. Page!" How artful wo- 
m.en are ! I am not to be trapped so easily, she will find ! 
(Aloud.) Tra, la, la! 

Mks. D. a serious mischance with my milliner must be 
my excuse! (Looking at him.) Why, what under the sun is 
the matter with the man ? Ha, ha ! 

Page. (Aside.) She is laughing at me ! She sees that I 
am acting! I shall never be able to keep it up ! [Aloud.) 
Eh ? what's the matter with me ? Hem ! I am thinking — 
thinking. 

Mrs. D. Can't you think without putting your nose in 
the air in that manner ? 

Page. Yes — yes— madam ! 

Mrs. D. Why say madam ? — it sounds harshly between 
friends ! 

Page. (Aside.) Between friends ! How well she does it ! 

Mrs. D. You and I have known each other for a long 
time ! 

Page. True — and in that time what a deal of idle twaddle 
I have uttered. I almost blush to think of it 

Mrs. D. You have told me that I was bewitching, and 
lovely, and enchanting, and — I forget what else ! 

Page. Ay, I remember — I seem as if awaking from a 
chronic stupor. 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 83 

Mrs. D. Then do you mean to say that I am not "bewitch- 
ing ? 

-Page. {Warmly.) To be sure you — {Arresting himself.) I 
am no judge of beauty ! (Aside.) I am sure I shall spoil it. 

Mrs. D. Mr. Page, do you know what you are saying? 

Page. Perfectly. 

Mrs. D. And that I am not lovely ? 

Page. Many may think you so. 

Mrs. D. Nor enchanting ? 

Page. ISTow, seriously, did you believe all the badinage I 
uttered to amuse myself ? Oh, women are, indeed, vain ! 

Mrs. D. Mr. Lyttleton Page — sir ! you are my legal ad- 
viser, it is true, but in this case, I must take the law in my 
own hands ! 

Page. Believe me, it could not be in bet — (Asi'Je.) Hallo ! 
what am I about ? — ^just going to pay her another compli- 
ment. 

Mrs. D. I say, sir, I must take the law into my own 
hands, and you will be kind enough to remember to whom 
you are speaking ! 

Page. My memory scarcely needs refreshing. 

Mrs. D. I ask, sir, what is the meaning of this conduct ? 
Half an hour ago, were I Juno, you could not have paid me 
more homage. 

Page. (Aside.) She's touched ! Sir Charles is right I A 
change of system was reqiiired. (Aloud.) The fact is, I have 
been seriously thinking of what you so earnestly assured 
me. Did you not say that if I did not wish you to hate me 
I must cease loving you ? 

Mrs. D. It is true, I did say so — but I have been thinking 
as well as yourself. 

Page. (Aside.) I am not to be caught by such speeches. 
My colleague has taught me a trick worth two of that. 
(Aloud.) Have you not on all occasions assured me that my 
compliments were oppressive rather than pleasing, and that 
you had renounced for ever all ideas of matrimony ? 

Mrs. D. You do not seem to understand women I 



84 COMIC RECITATIONS. j 

Page. (Aside.) Just what Sir Charles says ! | 

Mrs. D. They often say things they don't mean ! 

Page. (Aside.) They do, indeed! 

Mrs. T>. Heigho ! This goes to show me how little, after 
all, we know of each other ! Suppose I had said to myself, 
" Mr. Page is an agreeable person, not handsome, to be sure, 
but still well-looking enough — and — " 

Page. (Aside.) It will not do ! 

Mrs. D. " And in consideration of his long and ardent 
devotion, although I do not particularly love him, I will 
bestow upon him my hand." 

Page. (Quickly.) What, have you, then, accepted my nu- 
merous proposals ? (Aside.) What am I about r 

Mrs. D. ( With emphasis.) I am putting a case — I said sup- 
pose I 

Page. (Aside.) That is the crevice by which she escapes ! 
(Aloud.) Then / should say, "Your condescension is very 
magnanimous — but as marriage is a very serious matter, I 
desire time for reflection." 

Mrs. D. Then suppose I demanded an immediate answer : 

Page. I should insist upon a brief period for considera- 
tion ! 

Mrs. D. And if it did not please me to grant it? 

Page. Why, then, the only chance left for me in that 
case, would be to distinctly — (with an effort) refuse 1 

Mrs. D. So, so ! very good ! (Hinging the bell.) 

Page. (Aside — proudly,) It cost me a pang— but I said it I 

JEntcr Footman. 

Mrs. D. Mr. Page wishes an escort to the door! (Aside.) 
My feelings shall not be trifled with in this manner. ( Walks 
stage.) 

Page. (Aside.) The door ! I have exceeded proper limits, 
and — (AJoud — confused.) Pardon me, Mrs. Darlington, when 
I said that — it was with no intention, I assure you, of — it 
was only my desire to — (Aside,) I am making a nice mess 

of it; 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 85 

Mrs. D. [To Footman.) You have heard my orders! (The 
Footman gines him his hat.) 

Page. (Taking it, and bowing,) Oh, don't for an instant 
fancy that your word is not law ! (Aside. ) This change of 
system has succeeded with a vengeance ! but I'll return for 
an explanation when she has calmed down a little ! (Aloud.) 
Adieu, madam, adieu! [_Exit, c, followed hy Footman. 

Mrs. D. ( Walking about the room in an ixcited manner.) It is 
impossible for a man to exchange affection for indifference, 
and devotion for coldness, in this rapid manner. I am con- 
vinced that there is — I see it all — it is the work of this 
Mephistopheles — this Sir Charles Ripple — he is schooling 
Page into his own wicked estimate of women ! "What a 
triumph it would be to bring the master to my feet, and 
make him acknowledge a defeat! {Reflecting j or a moment.) I 
will ! (Resuming her embroidery. ) 

Enter SiK Charles, c, hastily — he has his hat on. 

Sir C. Once more I must throw myself on your indul- 
gence. (Looldng about the room.) 

Mrs. D. Well, sir, what is the matter now ? 

Sir C. Pray do not disturb yourself! Where could I have 
put it ? 

Mrs. D. {Aside.) What can he wish ? 

Sir, C. {Ambling about the room.) It's very strange! I can- 
not see it ! 

Mrs. D (Rising.) What do you wish? Perhaps I can 
assist you ? 

Sir C. I am looking for my hat — I am sure I left it here I 

Mrs. D. It is on your head. 

Sir C. (Removing it.) I must be out of my senses ! Instead 
of my hat •it is my brain I have lost — perhaps my heart, 
who knows? (Bowing.) I have the honor — good morning I 
(As if retiring.) 

Mrs. D. As you seem to do nothing but run up and down 
stairs, I think you had better remain where you are. This 
is your third oall this morning. 



86 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Sir C. So it is. You are tlie soul of kindness ! [Puis down 
liaty and sits.) 

Mrs. D. Do you know there is an awful epidemic going 
about ? 

Sir C. The cholera ? 

Mrs. D. No — impertinence ; and your friend, Mr. Page, 
has got it to perfection. 

Sir C. Is it possible ? Where could he have contracted 
it I wonder ? 

Mrs. D. [Ironically.) I cannot imagine. "Would you be- 
lieve it, he is positively so infected that he has had the 
audacity to refuse my hand. 

Sir C. His case must be a desperate one. 

Mrs. D. Is it not dreadful to think of? The man I had 
settled on in my own mind — in fact, the only man I know 
in the wide would who would have borne with my imper- 
fections ! and he to desert me at the very moment I had 
determined to vindicate the reputation of my sex I 

Sir C. Shameful to the last degree ! [Sighing.) I would I 
were he. 

Mrs. D. What do you say ? 

Sir C. That I might assist you in this glorious vindica- 
tion. A noble resolve should never be overthrown for want 
of encouragement. 

Mrs. D. [Aside.) So — so, my friend! 

Sir C. It is so seldom that a lady possessing grace, beauty, 
and intelligence will take the pains to demonstrate a great 
truth. 

Mrs. D. [Adde.) He retracts. [Aloud.) From that remark, 
I judge you do not esteem my sex so lightly. 

Sir C. [Willi sangfroid.) No, no — there are special cases 
— grand exceptions to all general rules. 

Mrs. D. But where are you to find this grace, beauty, and 
intelligence of which you speak ? 

Sir C. {Pointing to Mrs. Darlington".) There. 

Mrs. D. ( Looking around her.) Thero ! where ? 

BiR C. Clustered in vou. 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 87 

Mrs. D. Ha, ha ! What, do you think me beautiful ? . 

SiK C. That has been my opinion from the very first mo- 
ment I beheld you. 

Mrs. D. Are you really serious ? 

Sir C. I was never half so earnest in my life ! 

Mrs. D. You are positively growing gallant, absolutely 
paying me compliments ! You, too, of all others, who never 
flatter any one ! Why, what has become of all your ice ? 

Sir C. Melted in the sunshine of your presence. 

Mrs. D. And in so short a time ? 

Sir C. Its rays were powerful. Perhaps I am recovering 
from the epidemic that is going about. ^ 

Mrs. D. Then you confess to being touched ? 

Sir C. Slightly. But I think you have wrought a cure ! 

Mrs D. I must have proofs to convince me I 

Sir C. How can I offer them ? 

Mrs. D. By professing a firm faith, acknowledging your 
faults, and an open avowal of the universal perfection of 
woman. 

Sir C. Of— all ? 

Mrs. D. a penitent should never hesitate ! 

Sir C. I confess that I am embarrassed. 

Mrs. D. (A.nde.) All the better ! (Aloud.) Step the first- 
get on your knees. 

Sir C. On my knees! (Aside.) The attitude is anything 
but pleasant. (Kneeling on one knee.) Behold me at your feet I 

Mrs. D. You are on one knee — that will never do — your 
sins require two. 

Sir C. There! (Kneels.) 

Mrs. D. (Aside.) I have triumphed — glorious! (Aloud.) 
Xow repeat, *'I abjure my heresy — I acknowledge my 
errors." 

Sir C. (Wi(h mock liumility.) *'I abjure my heresy and ac- 
knowledge my errors." {Aside.) How ridiculous this is. 

Mrs. D. " I ask pardon of all the ladies for sins I have 
charged them with." (Hi repeats it.) '' And I promise for the 
fature to respect and honor them." 



88 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Sir C. [Warmly — aside.) Now for it I [Aloud.) As a body, 
collectively speaking, but to love only one — yourself — wbom 
I will cherish till time everlasting. 

Mrs. D. What do I hear ? 

Sir C. That I am a culprit, converted by you whose 
pardon I implore ! [Seizing her hand and kissing it.) 

Mrs. D. Sir Charles Eipple, what are you about ? 

Sir C. Doing penance for my sins — my manifold sins. 
[Kissing her hand agaiii.) 

Enter Page, c. 

Page. [SpeaMng as he enters.) I must not let another mo- 
ment pass without a thorough explanation. [Perceiving SiR 
Chakles on his knees.) What do I see — eh ? fire and iuxj ! 

Sir C. [Aside.) Now for warm work! [Rising.) My dear 
Page, you arrive most opportunely. I know you delight in 
seeing your fellow man happy. Behold me the picture of 
bliss ! 

Page. Don't talk to me of bliss, sir — your happiness be — 

Sir C. Ah ha ! choose your words. 

Page. Be hanged ! I hasten to explain to my dear Mrs. 
Darlington my stupidity. 

Mrs. D. [Aside.) I suspect it — Page is the victim of an 
intrigue ! 

Page. I wish to explain, my dear Mrs. Darlington, that 
my refusal was all on my part a mere stratagem — a change 
of system — a — 

Sir C. ( Coufjhing to silence Mm, and laughing aside.) Hem I 
hem ! hem ! 

Mus. D. Stratagem — change of system — what does he 
mean, Sir Charles ? 

Sir C. Why do you ask me ? 

Page. [Aside.) Ho is playing me false! (Aloud..) Do jou 
moan to say, Sir Charles Kipple, that you did not advise me 
to change my system ? 

Sir C. ( To Mrs Darlington.) Do you know that I think 
our mutual and valued friend is touched here ! (Placing finger 
on forehead uiih mock gravity. ) 



A CHANGE OF SYSTEM. 89 

Page. {Pacing the room frantically ) I am a dupe — an idiot 
— fool that I was to entrust my heart to the diplomacy of a 
man of the world like Sir Charles Ripple. {Goes vj) stage.) 

Sm C. {Aside.) Poor Page! he is enduring the agony of 
the Spartan with the gnawing fox hid under his cloak, and 
the charming widow — I do believe there is a tear in her eye. 

Mrs. D. ( Taming aside with emotion.) I was wrong to listen 
to him for one moment. 

Page. {Coming down furiously.) Sir Charles Ripple, I pro- 
nounced you a traitor, and I demand — 

Sir C. Instant satisfaction, which you shall have without 
resorting to either foils or pistols, which happily belong to a 
past age — at least, in England. Mrs. Darlington, I scarcely 
know how to sufficiently apologize for obtruding myself in 
an affair which at all times concerns but two hearts. The 
truth is, I found my friend Page writhing under the con- 
viction that his love was unrequited. Ten minutes in your 
society proved the contrary. In a gay moment I proposed 
an alliance — nay, do not smile — he accepted, and we have 
enacted a little comedy — farce — what shall I call it ? 

Mrs. D. And the hero is — 

Sir C. Mr. Lyttleton Page, who retained me without fee 
or reward to take his heart out of Chancery. ( With a glance 
at Mrs. Darliis-gton. ) And I think I have succeeded. 

Page. Forgive my suspicions ; but it was exasperating, 
you must own, to find you on your knees. 

Sir C. And now, madam, I throw up my brief — the case 
is won, and I claim your pardon. And after all, Page, 
though my theories, at first sight may want in a certain con- 
sistency, you must acknowledge your suit has prospered not 
a little by a Change oe System. 



CUBTAIN. 



90 COMIC RECITATIONS. 



THE CITIZEN AND THE THIEVES. 

ANONYMOUS. 

A CITIZEN, for recreation's sake, 

To see the countiy would a journey take 

Some dozen miles, or very little more ; 

Taking liis leave with friends two months before, 

With drinking healths and shaking by the hand, 

As he had travelled to some new-found land. 

Well, taking horse, with very much ado, 

London he leaveth for a day or two : 

And as he rideth, meets upon the way 

Such as (what haste soevei-) bid men stay. 

" Sirrah ! " says one, " stand and your purse deliver, 

I am a taker, thou must be a giver?' 

Unto a wood hard by, they haul him in, 
And rifle him unto his verj^ skin. 
'"Masters," quoth he, " pray hear me ere you go; 
For you have robbed me more than you do know, 
My horse, in truth, I borrow'd of my brother ; 
The bridle and the saddle of another ; 
The jerkin and the L-ases be a tailor's; 
Tlie scarf, I do assure, is a sailor's ; 
The falling band is likewise none of mine. 
Nor cuffs, as true as this good light doth shine. 
•The satin doublet, and raised velvet hose, 
Are our churchwarden's, all the parish knows. 
The boots are John the grocer's at the Swan ; 
The spurs were lent me by a serving man. 
One of my rings — that with the great red stone — 
In sooth, I borrow'd of my neighbor Joan ; 
Her husband knows not of it. Gentlemen ! 
Thus stands my case — I pra}^ show favor then." 

" Why," quoth the thieves, " thou needst not greatly care. 

Since in tliy loss so many bear a share ; 

The world goes hard, and many good lolks lack, 



BOGGS'S DOGS. 91 

Look not, at this time, for a penny back. 
Go, tell in London, thou didst meet with four, 
That, rifling thee, have robbed at least a score." 



BOGGS'S DOGS. 

ANONYMOUS. 

Dtd you ever hear of Jehosaphat Boggs, 

A dealer and raiser of all sorts of dogs 1 

" No 1 " Then I'll endeavor in doggerel verse 

To just the main points of the story rehearse. 

Boggs had a good wife, the joy of his life. 

There was nothing between them inclining to strife, 

Except her dear J.'s dogmatic employment; 

And that, she averred, did mar her enjoyment. 

She often had begged him to sell off his dogs 

And instead to raise turkeys, spring chickens, or hogs. 

She made him half promise at no distant day 

He would sell the whole lot, not excepting old Tray ; 

And, as good luck would have it, but few days intervened 

When, excepting old Tray's, every kennel was cleaned. 

Ah, how his dear Dolly, with a voice glad and jolly, 

Did soft-soap her dear for quitting his folly. 

^' And now, my dear J., please don't say me nay, 

But the first opportunitj" sell also old Tray." 

*' I will my dear vrow, and I solemnly vow, 

I'll give you the money to buy a good cow." 

And thus the case rested, till one summer night 

Her dear J. came home with a heart happy and light, 

Old Tray was not with him. " Ah, ha, my good wife. 

This will be far the happiest day of your life." 

" Oh, bless you, dear J., how much did j'ou say, 

Please tell me at onco what you f:ot for old Tray ? " 

" I got forty dollars." " You did ] " quoth his spouse, 

*' Why that to a certaintj^ will buy me two cows, 

I'll make butter and cheese " — " Hold on if you please " — 

Says J. in a tone sounding mucli like a tease ; 



92 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

" It's just as I told you, the price is all right, 
And the man is to pay me next Saturday night ; 
But instead of the dollar's in X\s and V's, 
He gives me four puppies at ten dollars apiece." 



THE SMACK IN SCHOOL. 

PALMER. 

A DISTRICT school, not far away, 

'Mid Berkshire hills, one winter's day. 

Was humming with its wonted noise 

Of three-score mingled girls and boys j 

Some few upon their tasks intent, 

But more on furtive mischief bent. 

The while the master's downward look 

"Was fastened on a copy-book ; 

When suddenly, behind his back. 

Rose sharp and clear a rousing smack ! 

As 'twere a battery of bliss 

Let off in one tremendous kiss ! 

" Whafs that '? " the startled master cries ; 

'' That, thir," a little imp replies, 

" Wath William Willith, if you pleathe— 

I thaw him kith Thuthanna Peathe ! " 

With frown to make a statue thrill, 

The master thundered, " Hither, Will ! " 

Like wn'etch o'ertaken in his track, 

With stolen chattels on his back, 

Will hung his head in fear and shame, 

And to the awful presence came — 

A great, green, bashful simpleton, 

The butt of all good-natured fun. 

With smile suppressed, and birch upraised, 

The threatener faltered — " I'm amazed 

Tliat you, my biggest pupil, should 

Be guilty of an act so rude ! 

Before the whole set school to boot — 

What evil genius put yon to'f/^ " 



THE TINKER AND MILLER'S DAUGHTER. 93 

*' 'Twas she, herself, sir," sobbed the lad, 

*' I did not mean to be so bad ; 

But when Susannah shook her curls, 

And whispered, I was 'fraid of girls, 

And dursn't kiss a baby's doll, 

I couldn't stand it, sir, at all. 

But up and kissed her on the spot ! 

I know — boo-hoo — I ought to kot. 

But, somehow, from her looks — boo-hoo — 

I thought she kind o' wished me to ! " 



THE TINKEE AND MILLEE'S DAUGHTER 

WOLCOT. 

The meanest creature somewhat may contain, 
As Providence ne'er makes a thing in vain. 

Upon a da)^, a poor and trav'ling tinker, 

In Fortune's various tricks a constant thinker, 

Pass'd in some village near a miller'-s door, 
Where lo ! his eye did most astonish "d catch 
The miller's daughter peeping o'er the hatch, 
Deform'd and monstrous ugly, to be sure. 
Struck with the uncommon form, the tinker started, 
Just like a frighten'd horse, or murd'rer carted, 

Up gazing at the gibbet and the rope ; 
Turning his brain about, in a browm study 
(For, as I've said, his brain was not so muddy), 
'• Zounds ! " quoth the tinker, " I have now some hope. 
Fortune, the jade, is not far off, perchance," 
And then began to rub his hands and dance. 

Now, all so full of love, o'erjoj^ed he ran, 

Embraced and squeezed Miss Grist, and thus began : 

" My dear, my soul, my angel, sweet Miss Grist, 
Now may I never mend a kettle more. 
If ever I saw one like you before ! " 

Then nothing loth, like Eve, the nymph he kiss'd. 



94 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Now, very sensibly, indeed, Miss Grist 
Thought opportunity should not be raiss'd; 
Knowing that prudery oft let slip a joy ; 
Thus was Miss Grist too prudent to be co3^ 
For really 'tis with girls a dangerous farce 
To flout a swain when offers are but scarce. 
She did not scream, and cry, " I'll not be woo'd ; 
Keep off, you dingy fellow — don't be rude ; 
I'm fit for your superiors, tinker.'' No, 
Indeed, she treated not the tinker so. 
But lo ! the damsel with her usual squint, 
Suffered her tinker lover to imprint 

Sweet kisses on her lips, and squeeze her hand, 
Hug her, and say the softest things unto her, 
And in love's plain and pretty language woo her, 

Without a frown, or even a reprimand. 

Soon won, the n3m)ph agreed to be his wife, 
And, when the tinker chose, to be tied for life. 

Now, to the father the brisk lover hied. 
Who at his noisy mill so busy plied. 
Grinding, and taking handsome toll of corn. 
Sometimes, indeed, too handsome to be borne. 
" Ho ! Master Miller," did the tinker say — 

Forth from his cloud of flour the miller came ; 
" Nice weather. Master Miller — charming day — 

Heaven's very kind." The miller said the same. 
" Now, miller, possibly you may not guess 

At this same business I am come about : 
'Tis this, then — know I love your daughter Bess ; — 

There Master Miller ! — now the riddle's out. 
I'm not for mincing matters, sir ! d'3'e see — 
I like your daughter Bess, and she likes me." 

'• Poll ! " quoth the miller, grinning at the tinker, 
" Tliou dost not mean to marriage to persuade her; 

Ui:i;ly as is old Nick, I needs must think iier, 

Though, to be sure, she is as heav'n has made her. 

No, no, though she's my daughter, I'm not blind; 



AN ORIGINAL PARODY. 95 

But, tinker, what hath now possessed thy mind: 
Thou'rt the first offer ^he has met, by dad — 
But tell me, tinker, art thou drunk or mad 1 " 
" No — Vm not drunk nor m?d," the tinker cried, 
*' But Bet's the maid I wish to make my bride; 

No girl in these two eyes doth Bet excel.' 
" Why, fool ! " the miller said, " Bet hath a hump ! 
And then her nose I — the nose of my old pump." 

" I know it," quoth the tinker, '• know it well." 
" Her face," quoth Grist, " is freckled, wrinkled, flat; 
Her mouth as wide as that of my torn cat ; 

And then she squints a thousand ways at once — 
Her w^aist a corkscrew ; and her hair how red 1 
A downright bunch of carrots on her head — 

Why, what the deuce is got into thy sconce 1 " 

" No deuce is in my sconce," rejoined the tinker ; 
'• But, sir, what's that to you, if fine 1 think her 1 " 
" Why, man," quoth Grist, " she's fit to make a show, 

And therefore sure I am that thou must banter." 
" Miller," replied the tinker, " riorht, for know 

'Tis for that very thing, a show, I want her." 



AN OEIGIXAL PAEODY. 

ANONYMOUS. 

It must be so ! stomach thou reasonest well, 

Else whence this pleasing hope, this fond desire ; 

This longing after something good for dinner 1 

Or whence these secret pangs ; these hollow murmurs, 

That issue from my bowels 1 Why shrinks my soul 

Back on herself, and startles at a famine 1 

'Tis hunger, powerful hunfrer, sti.s within me ; 

'Tis famine's self that points to one o'clocl: I 

And shows the lime of dinner is at hand. 

Dinner ! thou pleasing, thou delightful thought, 

Thro' what a variety of knowing processes, 

Each morsel, both of lean and fat, doth pass, 



96 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Ere d'nner, in rich prospect, lies before me, 

And I with ardent stomach falLupon it. 

Here will I hold I If Molly's in the kitchen, 

And that she is, and in a bustle too, 

Both nose and ears confess — she must be cooking something ! 

And that which Molly cooks, it must be tasty; 

But when or where this dinner will be ready, 

I'm w^eary of conjectures. Oh, patience, end them. 

Thus am I wholly arm'd from top to toe, 

Patience and appetite both w^orking within me, 

That gently bids me wait till I am called. 

But this supposes I shall never dine ; 

The soul secure in her existence, smiles 

At the debates, and thinks my stomach mad ; 

The kitchen fire shall fade, cookery itself 

Grow out of date with mayors, and sauces be no more ; 

But thou shalt flourish in immortal youth — 

Unhurt amid the war of pots and pans, 

The wreck of gridirons and the crush of kitchens 



THE PAESONS AND THE COEKSCEEW. 

MO N CRIEFF. 

Twelve parsons once went to a squire's to dine, 

Who was famous for giving good venison and wine, 

All great friends to the cloth, with good living in view, 

Quite grace full they sat down, as parsons should do. 

A wicked young whipster, our worthy squire's cousin, 

Whispered, " Cousin, I boldly will lay rump and dozen. 

Though here we've a dozen staunch priests, of the lot 

Not one of the twelve here a prayer-book has got." 

'•' Agreed," cried the squire. " Coz, we must not be loth 

Such a wager to lay for the sake of the cloth. 

The parsons, no doubt, to confute you are able. 

So we'll bring, witli the dinner, the bet on the table.'* 

Dinner served ; cried the squire, " A new grace I will say, 

lias any one here got a i)rayer-book, I pray ] " 

Quite glum looked the priests, coughed, and with one accord 



THE OLD GENTLEMAN AND YOUNG WIFE. 97 

Cried " Mine's lost" — " Mine's at home '• — '' Mine's at church, 

'pon my word.'* 
Quoth our cousin, " Dear squire, I my wager have won. 
But another I purpose to win ere I've done ; 
Though the parsons could not bring a prayer-book to view, 
I'll bet the same bet, they can find a corkscrew." 
" Done ! done ! " roared the squire. '' Hilloa ! butler, bring 

nearer 
That excellent magnum of ancient Madeira ; " 
'Twas brought — " Let's decant it ; a corkscrew, good John." 
Here each of the parsons roared out '' Fwe got. one ! '* 
But let us not censure our parsons for this. 
When a thing's in its place, it can ne'er come amiss ; 
Prayer-books wont serve for corkscrews ; and I'm such a sinner, 
Though a sermon I like, I don't want it at dinner ! 



THE OLD GENTLEMAN WHO MAEEIED A 
YOUNG WIFE. . 

Prom the " School of Scandal." 



SHEEIDAN. 



Sir Peter Teazle. Lady Teazle. 

Sm Peter. Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, I'll not bear it. 

Lady T. Sir Peter, Sir Peter, you may bear it or not, as 
you please; but I ought to have my own way in every- 
thing ; and what's more, I will, too. What, though I was 
educated in the country, I know very well that women of 
fashion in London are accountable to nobody after they arc 
married. 

Sir p. Yery well, ma'am, very well ! so, a husband is to 
have no influence, no authority ? 

Lady. T. Authority ! no, to be sure ; if you wanted au- 
thority over me, you should have adopted me, and not mar- 
ried me. I am sure you were old enough. 

Sir p. Old enough, aye, there it is. "Well, well, Lady 



98 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Teazle, thougli my life may be made unhappy by your tem- 
per, I'll not be ruined by your extravagance. 

Lady T. My extravagance I I'm sure- I'm not more ex- 
travagant than a woman of fashion ought to be. 

Sir p. No, no, madam, you shall throw away no more 
sums on such unmeaning luxury. 'Slife ! to spend as much 
to furnish your dressing-room with flowers in winter, as 
would suffice to turn the Pantheon into a green-house, and 
give Q, fete chamjietre at Christmas. 

Lady T. Lord, Sir Peter, am I to blame, because flowers 
are dear in cold weather ? you should find fault with the 
climate and not with me. For my part, I'm sure, I wish it 
were spring all the year round, and that roses grew under 
our feet. 

Sir p. Oons ! madam, if you had been born to this, I 
shouldn't wonder at your talking thus ; but you forget what 
your situation was when I married you. 

Lady T. No, no, I don't ; 'twas a very disagreeable one, 
or I should never have married you. 

SiE, P. Yes, yes, madam, you were then in somewhat an 
humble style; the daughter of a plain country 'squire. 
Hecollect, Lady Teazle, when I first saw you sitting at your 
tambour, in a pretty figured linen gown, with a bunch of 
keys at your side ; your hair combed smooth over a roll, and 
your apartment hung round with fruits in worsted, of your 
own working. 

Lady T. Oh, yes ! I remember it very well, and a curi- 
ous life I led. My daily occupation, to inspect the dairy, 
superintend the poultry, make extracts from the family re- 
ceipt-book, and comb my aunt Deborah's lap-dog. 

Sir p. Yes, yes, madam, 'twas so, indeed. 

Lady T. And then, you know, my evening amusements. 
To draw patterns for ruffles, which I had not materials to 
make up ; to play Pope Joan with the curate ; to read a 
novel to my aunt ; or to be stuck down to an old spinet to 
strum my father to sleep after a fox-chase. 

Sir p. I am glad you have got so good a memory. Yes, 



THE OLD GENTLEMAN AND YOUNG WIFE. 99 

madam, these were the recreations I took you from. ; but 
now you must have your coach, vis-^-vis, and three pow- 
dered footmen before your chair ; and in the summer, a pair 
of white cats to draw you to Kensington Gardens. No re- 
collection, I suppose, when you were content to ride double, 
behind the butler, on a dock'd coach-horse ? 

Lady T. No ; I swear I never did that ; I deny the butler 
and the coach-horse. 

Sir p. This, madam, was your situation ; and what have 
I done for you ? I have made you a woman of fashion, of 
fortune, of rank ; in short, I have made you my wife. 

Lady T. Well, then, and there is but one thing more you 
can make me to add to the obligation, and that is — 

Sir p. My widow, I suppose ? 

Lady T. Hem ! hem ! 

Sir p. I thank you, madam ; but don't flatter yourself ; 
for though your ill conduct may disturb my peace of mind, 
it shall never break my heart, I promise you ; however, I 
am equally obliged to you for the hint. 

Lady T. Then why will you endeavor to make yourself 
so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every little elegant 
expense. 

Sir p. 'Slife, madam, I say, had you any of these little 
elegant expenses when you married me ? 

Lady T. Lud, Sir Peter ! would you have me out of the 
fashion ? 

Sir p. The fashion, indeed ! What had you to do with 
the fashion before you married me ? 

Lady T. For my part, I should think you would like to 
have your wife thought a woman of taste. 

Sir p. Ay, there again ; taste ! zounds, madam, you had 
no taste when you married me. 

Lady T. That's very true, indeed, Sir Peter ; and after 
having married you, I should never pretend to taste again, 
I allow. But now. Sir Peter, since we have finished our 
daily jangle, I presume I may go to my engagement at Lady 
Sneerwell's. 



100 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Sir p. Ay, there's anotlier precious circumstance ; a 
cliarming set of acquaintance you have made there. 

Lady T. Nay, Sir Peter, they are all people of rank and 
fortune, and remarkably tenacious of reputation. 

Sir p. Yes, egad, they are tenacious of reputation with a 
vengeance ; for they don't choose anybody should have a 
character but themselves. Such a crew. Ah! many a 
wretch has rid on a hurdle who has done less mischief than 
these utterers of forged tales, coiners of scandal, and clip- 
pers of reputation. 

Lady T. What ! would you restrain the freedom of speech ? 

Sir p. Ah, they have made you just as bad as any one of 
the society. 

Lady T. "Why, I believe I do bear a part with tolerable 
grace. 

Sir p. Grace, indeed! 

Lady T. But I vow I bear no malice against the people 
I abuse. When I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure 
good humor ; and I take it for granted, they deal exactly in 
the same manner with me. But, Sir Peter, you know you 
promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's too. 

Sir p. Well, well, I'll call in just to look after my own 
character. 

Lady T. Then, indeed, you must make haste after me, or 
you'll be too late. So, good bye. IBxlt. 

Sir p. So, I have gained much by my expostulations ; 
yet, with what a charming air she contradicts everything I 
say, and how pleasingly she shows her contempt for my au- 
thority. Well, though I can't make her love me, there is 
great satisfaction in quarrelling with her ; and I think she 
never appears to such advantage as when she is doing every- 
thing in her power to plague me. 

CURTAIN. 



THE STAGE-STRUCK DARKEY. 101 

THE STAGE-STEUCK DAEKEY. 

AN ETHIOPIAN INTERLUDE. 

WHITE. 

Scene. — Street, 

Thee or four Performers seated on Stage. Enter Travelling 
Manager, with valise^ overcoat^ S^c. 

Manager. How do you do ? Does any ob you folks want 
a situation ? 

All. What to do? 

Mai^AGER. Well, I'm a travelling manager of a show and 
in search of talent. I want a young man of good natural 
parts, and I'll teach him de rest. 

All. {Sjpeaking together,) Julius is de berry boy. 
Enter Julius, whistling^ and sauntering along. 

Maxager. Young man, would you like to be an actor ? 

Julius. A Avhat ? 

Mais'agee,. Have you ever been on de stage ? 

Julius. No, but I've drove three months on de Sixth Ave- 
nue cars. 

Manager. Oh, you don't understand. See, look here. 
{Strikes very tragic 'position.) See — don't you seeV 

Julius. Yes, siree sir ; I'm one ob dem. 

Manager. Well, now I want a specimin to see what you're 
made of; I want to hear your voice. Suppose you touch 
me on de shoulder and call me a liar, as they do in anger 
on de stage. 

Julius. It's a go — I'll do it. {Walls around stage, then goes 
behind Manager's back, slaps him on shoulder, and says, very 
faintly.) Liar! 

Manager. Oh, dat's too weak. Now let me show you. ( They 
change positions — Manager says, very savagely) Liar-r-r-r-r ! 
( Waving body to and fro.) 

Julius. Why, what do you call dat? {Lnitating him.) 

Manager. Why, dat's your tragedy — don't you see ? — and 
here's when you recover. {Moving to and fro.) 

Julius. Well, what's next r 



102 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Manager. Let's see. What shall we play ? Oh ! some- 
thing of our own ? Yes ; well, you play a man dat's been 
bery rich — you used to eat canvas-back ducks, an all dat ar- 
rangements ; you libed in a castle on top ob a hill. (Aside.) 
Castles in de air. (Aloud.) An you owned a yacht, an used 
to gib balls, an all dat sort ob things. In short, you was a 
millionaire. Well, time wore on — you had a deal ob money 
invested in stocks ; stocks went down, and you went up in 
a balloon ; an now that you are a bankrupt, your daughter 
married a coachman, an den you've gone in altogeder. 
Dere, dat's your part. Now what shall I be? {Thinks,) I'll 
be a man dat was bery poor when you war so rich ; you 
wouldn't look at me — no, siree, you wouldn't gib me de 
crumbs that fell from your table, no sir. Well, while you 
been gettin poor, I'be been to California, and made loads ob 
money ; I'm coming home wid all dis money in dis casket, 
an you are driven to de highway. Your children haven^t 
eat anything for six weeks, an you haven't eat anything for 
longer dan dat. You see me coming, an go an hide yourself 
till I come in ; den you come forward, and try to bully and 
rob me ; but you find dat won't do, so you try de pathetic ; 
den I tell you to take de casket. I'll say, " Take it," but 
you mustn't take it de fust time ; mind, de second time is 
your cue. Now let's see how you can play a starvin' man. 
(Julius goes off, and comes on very fiercely, &c.) Well, dat's a 
good gait for a blacksmith goin' to dinner, but remember, 
you haven't eat anything for — how long did I say ? 

Julius. Six weeks. 

Manager. Well now, I'll show you how to walk. ( Comes 
forward, very shaJci/y, c, and sighs.) 

Julius. What's dat for ? 

Manager. Why, dat's your sigh — don't you see ? Mind, 
don't forget to keep up your shake. Try it again. (Julius 
tmiiafes Manager well.) Now den for de road scene. (Both exit 
— stage dark.) 

Enter Julius, disguised. 

Julius. Ah me ! For six weeks we have not tasted food. 



THE STAGE-STRUCK DARKEY. 103 

Aha ! what do I see ? As I live, a traveller comes dis way. 
I'll hide an reconnoitre. (H.dcs.) 

Enter Manager, disguised gentedly^ with casket. 

Manager. Haha ! I am near my journey's end, methinks. 
Old recollections crowd upon my brain, and — what ho ! 
(Julius dayn Ivm on the hack.) Hah ! 

Julius. Marry, I should know dat form. 

Manager. Ha ! dat face ! 'Tis — Keep up your shake ! 

Julius. Einaldo. 

Manager. Einaldo ! Keep vp your shake ! 

Julius. Aye, Einaldo. Come, dis is no time for trifling. 
You behold before you, or behind you, a desperate man, 
driven to desperation by starvation. My wife and children 
have eat no food for six weeks. 

Manager. {Aside.) Keep up your shake. 

Julius. I would have gold, gold — ha I ha ! — gold ! 
Peaceably if I can, forcibly if I must. {Seizes Manager hy 
the throat and chokes him — Manager kneels down.) How's dat ? 
Pooty good ? 

Manager. {Coughing.) Well, pooty fair, but don't squeeze 
quite so tight. 

Julius. (Rises.) Dost scorn my threat ? 

Manager. Aye ! thee and thy threat ! ♦ 

Julius. Behold me at thy feet — {kneels) me, Einaldo, who 
never bent nor bowed before created man. Eelieve my wife 
and starving children, and I am your slave forever. 

Manager. Else, Einaldo. You shall have gold. Here, 
take de casket. (Julius makes grab at the ca,sket, and- each pulU 
loth take stage.) Dero I knew you would spoil de piece. 
Didn't I say de second time, take it ? 

Julius. (Angry at hcmselt.) Well, I didn't mean to do it. 
I thort you said de first time. 

Manager. You'll neber make an actor. [_Exit, 

curtain. 



104 COMIC RECITATIONS. 



GOODY GEIM VERSUS LAPSTONE. 

MATTHEWS. 

Judge. {Standing.) What a profound study is the law I 
and bow difficult to fathom ! Well, leb us consider the law, 
for our laws are very considerable, both in bulk and num- 
bers, according as the statutes declare ; considerandi, consider- 
ando, consider andum^ and are not to be meddled with by those 
who don't understand them. 

Law always expresses itself with true grammatical pre- 
cision, never confounding moods, cases, or genders, except, in- 
deed, when a woman happens accidentally to be slain, then 
a verdict is always brought in manslaughter. The essence 
of the law is altercation, for the law can altercate, fulmi- 
nate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. " Your son 
follows the law, I think. Sir Thomas ? " " Yes, madam ; 
but I am afraid he will never overtake it ; a man following 
the law is like two boys running round a table; he follows 
the law, and the law follows him. However, if you take 
away the whereofs, whereases, wherefores, and notwithstand- 
ings, the whole mystery vanishes ; it is then plain and sim- 
ple." Now, the quintessence of the law has, according to 
its name, five parts. The first is the beginning, or incipien- 
dum ; the second, the uncertainty, or dubiiandum ; the third, 
delay, or fuzzleendum ; fourthly, replication without endum ; 
and, fifthly, monsirum et Iwmrendum ; all which is clearly ex- 
emplified in the following case — Goody Grim against Laf stone. 
This trial is as follows : — Goody Grim inhabits an alms- 
house. No. 2 ; Will Lapstone, a superannuated cobbler, in- 
habits No. 3 ; and a certain Jew peddler, who happened to 
pass through the town where those almshouses are situated, 
could only think of No. 1. Goody Grim was in the act of 
killing one of her own proper pigs, but the animal, disliking 
the ceremony, burst from her hold, ran through the semicir- 
cular legs of the aforesaid Jew, knocked him in the mud, 
ran back to Will Lapstone's, the cobbler, upset a quart bot- 



GOODY GEIM VS. LAPSTONE. 105 

tie full of gin, belonging to the said Lapstone, and took 
refuge in the cobbler's state bed. 

The parties being, of course, in the most opulent circum- 
stances, consulted counsel learned in the law. The result 
was, that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action 
against Lapstone, for the loss of her pig Avith a curly tail ; 
and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody Grim, for 
the loss of a quart bottle full of Holland gin ; and Mordecai 
to bring an action against them both, for the loss of a tee- 
totum, that fell out of his pocket in the rencounter. They 
all delivered their briefs to counsel, before it was considered 
they were all parties and no witnesses. But Goody Grim, 
like a wise old lady as she is, now changed her battery, and 
is determined to bring an action against Lapstone, and bind 
over Mordecai as an evidence. 

The indictment sets forth {reads from pape?') " that he, 
Lapstone, not having the fear of the assizes before his eyes, 
but being moved by pig, and instigated by pruinsence, did, 
on the first day of April, a day sacred in the annals of the 
law, steal, pocket, hide and crib divers, that is to say, five 
hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs and porkers, with curly 
tails, and did secrete the said five hundred hogs, sows, boars, 
pigs and porkers, with curly tails, in said Lapstone's bed, 
against the peace of our Lord the King, his crown and dig- 
nity." 

Mordecai will be examined by Counsellor Puzzle. (The 
Judge seals himself.) 

Puzzle. Well, sir, what are you ? 

Mordecai. I sells old clo's, and sealing-wax, and puckles. 

Puzzle. I did not ask you what you sold ; I ask you what 
you are ? 

Mordecai. I am about five-and-forty. 

Puzzle. I did not ask your age ; I ask you what you 
are ? 

Mordecai, I am a Jew. 

Puzzle. Why couldn't you tell me that at first? Well, 
then, if you are a Jew, tell me what you know of this affair. 



106 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

MORDECAI. As I vas valking along — 

Puzzle. Man, I didn't want to know where you were 
walking. 

MORDECAI. Vel, as I was valking along — 

Puzzle. So you will walk along, in spite of all that can 
be said. 

MoiiDECAi. Pless ma heart, you frighten me out of my 
Yits — as I vas valking along, I seed de unclean animal com- 
ing towards me, and so says I — Oh I Father Abraham, says 
I— 

Puzzle. Father Abraham is no evidence. 

MoRDECAi. You must let me tell my story my own vay, 
or I cannot tell it at all. As I vas valking along, I seed 
the unclean animal coming toward me, and he runn'd be- 
tween my legs, and upshet me in te mut. 

Puzzle. Now, do you mean to say, upon your oath, that 
that little animal had the power to upset you in the mud ? 

MoRDECAi. I vill take my oath dat he upshet me in te 
mut. 

Puzzle. And pray, sir, on what side did you fall ? 

MoRDECAi. On te mutty side. 

Puzzle. I mean, on which of your own sides did you fall ? 

MORDECAI. I fell on my left side. 

Puzzle. Now, on your oath, was it on your left side? 

MoRDECAl. I vill take my oath it vas my left side. 

Puzzle. And pray, what did you do when you fell down ? 

Mo RD EC AT. I got up again as fast as I could. 

Puzzle. Perhaps you can tell me whether the pig had a 
curly tail ? 

Mordecai. I vill take ma oath his tail vas so curly as my 
pecrd. 

Puzzle. And pray, where were you going when this hap- 
pened ? 

Mordecai. I vas going to de sign of de Cock and Pottle. 

Puzzle. Now, on your oath, what had a cock to do with 
a bottle ? 

Mordecai. I don't know ; only it vas the sign of de 



GOODY GRIM VS. LAPSTONE. 107 

house. And all more vat I know vas, dat I lose an ivory 
tee-to turn, out of ma pocket. 

Puzzle. Oh, you lost a tee-totum, did you ? I thought 
we should bring you to something at last. My Lord, I beg 
leave to take an exception to this man's evidence ! he does 
not come into court with clean hands. 

Mop.DECAl. How te devil should I, when I have been pol- 
ishing ma goods all morning ? 

Puzzle. Now, my Lord, your Lordship is aware that tee- 
totum is derived from the Latin terms ie and tutvm, which 
means *' Keep yourself safe." And this man, but for my 
sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself 
safe ; but now he has, as the learned Lord Yerulam expresses 
it, "let the cat out of the bag." 

MoRDECAL I vill take ma oath " I had no cat in ma bag," 

Puzzle. My Lord, by his own confession he was about to 
vend a tee-totum. Now, my Lord, and gentlemen of the 
jury, it is my duty to point out to you that a tee-totum is an 
unlawful machine, made of ivory, with letters printed upon 
it, for the purpose of gambling. Now your Lordship knows 
the act commonly known by the name of " Little go Act," 
expressly forbids all games of chance whatever, whether 
put, whist, marbles, swabs, tee-totum, chuck-farthing, 
dumps, or what not. And therefore, I do contend that the 
man's evidence is centra bonos mores^ and he is consequently 
non compos tesiimonoe. 

Judge. Counsellor Botherem will now proceed. 

BoTHEREM. My Lord, and gentlemen of the jury, my 
learned friend Puzzle has, in a most facetious manner, en- 
deavored to cast a slur on the highly honorable evidence of 
the Jew merchant. And I do contend that he who buys and 
sells is hoiia-fide inducted into all the mysteries of merchan- 
dise ; ergo, he who merchandises is, to all intents and pur- 
poses, a merchant. My learned friend, in the twistings and 
turnings of his argument in handling the tee-totum, can 
only be called obite?' dictian ; he is playing, my Lord, a losing 
game. Gentlemen, he has told you the origin, use, and 



108 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

abuse, of the tee-totum ; but, gentlemen, he has forgot to tell 
you what that great luminary of the law, the late learned 
Coke, has said on the subject, in a case exactly similar to 
this, in the 234th folio volume of the Abridgment of the 
Statutes, page 1349, where he thus lays down the law in the 
case of Hazard versus B\di>cklegs : ^^Oamblendumconsistety enact- 
nm gamhlendl, sed non evendum macheni playendL"^^ My Lord, I 
beg leave to say that, if I prove my client was in the act of 
vending, and not playing, with the said instrument, the tee- 
totum, I humbly presume that all my learned friend has said 
will come to the ground. 

Judge. Certainly, brother Botherem, there's no doubt the 
learned Sergeant is incorrect. The law does not put a man 
extralegium for merely spinning a tee-totum. 

Botherem. My Lord, one of the witnesses has owned 
that the pig had a curly tail. Now, my Lord, I presume 
if I prove the pig had a straight tail, I consider the ob- 
jection must be fatal. 

Judge. Certainly : order the pig into court. ( The pig 
being produced^ upon examination^ is found to have a straight 
tail ) 

In summing up the evidence, gentlemen of the jury, it 
is wholly unnecessary to recapitulate ; for the removal of 
this objection removes all ground of a:ction. And notwith- 
standing the ancient statute, which says Seriiim pigum et 
horeum pigum, et vendi curium tailum, there is an irrefragable 
proof, by ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter 
has a straight tail ; and, as it has been distinctly proved 
that the pig set forth in the indictment had a curly tail, it 
is evident that it was somebody else's pig ; ergo, it was not 
Goody Grim's pig at all, and therefore the prisoner must bo 
acquitted. And really, gentlemen, if the time of the court is 
to be taken up with these frivolous actions, the designs of 
justice will be entirely frustrated ; and the attorney who 
recommends this action should bo punished, not in the or- 
dinary way, but with the utmost rigor and severity of the 
law. 



THE WOMAN OF MIND. 109 



THE WOMAN OF MIND. 

ANONYMOUS. 

My wife is a woman of mind, 

And Deville, who examined her bumps, 
Vowed that never was found in a woman 

Such laroje intellectual lumps. 
*' Ideality " big as an egg, 

With '* Causality" — great — was combined; 
He charged me ten shiUings, and said, 

"Sir, your wife is a woman of mind." 

She's too clever to care how she looks. 

And will horrid blue spectacles wear, 
Not because she supposes they give her 

A fine intellectual air ; 
No ! she pays no regard to appearance, 

And combs all her front hair behind. 
Not because she is proud of her forehead, 

But because she's a woman of mind. 

She makes me a bushel of verses. 

But never a pudding or tart, 
If I hint I should like one, she vows 

I'm an animal merely at heart ; 
Though I've noticed she spurns not the pastry, 

Whene'er at a friend's we have dined, 
And has always had two plates of pudding — 

Such plates ! for a woman of mind. 

Not a stitch does she do but a distich. 

Mends her pens, too, instead of my clothes ; 
I haven't a shirt with a button. 

Nor a stocking that's sound at the toes ; 
If I ask her to darn me a pair, 

She replies she has work more refined ; 
Besides to be seen darning stockings I 

Is it fit for a woman of mind 1 



110 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

The children are squalling all day, 

For they're left to the care of a maid ; 
My wife can't attend to "the units," 

*' The millions " are wanting her aid, 
And it's vulgar to care for ones offspring — 

The mere brute has a love of its kind — 
But she loves the whole human famUy, 

For she is a woman of mind. 

Everything is an inch thick in dust, 

And the servants do just as they please ; 
The ceilings are covered with cobwebs, 

The beds are all swarming with fleas ; 
The windows have never been clean'd. 

And as black as your hat is each blind ; 
But my wife's nobler things to attend to, 

For she is a woman of mind. 

The nurse steals the tea and the sugar, 

The cook sells the candles as grease, 
And gives all the ce>ld meat away 

To her lover who's in the police ; 
When I hint that the housekeeping's heavy, 

And hard is the money to find, 
*' Money's vile filthy dross ! " she declares, 

And unworthy a woman of mind. 

Whene'er she goes out to a dance, 

She refuses to join in the measure. 
For dancing she can't but regard 

As an unintellectual pleasure. 
So she gives herself up to enjoyments 

Of a more philosophical kind, 
And picks all the people to pieces, 

Like a regular \voman of mind. 

She speaks of her favorite authors 
In terms far from i)leasant to hear ; 

" Charles Dickens " she vows '' is a darling," 
"And Bulwer '' she says '' is a dear ; " 



NUBSEKY REMINISCENCES. Ill 

" Willde Collins " with her '' is an angel," 

And I'm an " illiterate hind," 
Upon whom her fine intellect's wasted, 

I'm not fit for a woman of mind. 

She goes nob to church on a Sunday, 

Church is all very well in its way, 
But she is too highly informed 

Not to know all the parson can say ; 
It does well enough for the servants, 

And was for poor people designed, 
But hless you ! it's no good to her. 

For she is a woman of mind. . 



NUESERY REMINISCENCES. 

BABHAM. 

I remember, I remember, 

When I was a little boy. 
One fine morning in September 

Uncle brought me home a toy. 

I remember how he patted 

Both my cheeks in kindliest mood ; 

" There," said he, '•' you little fat head, 
There's a top because you're good." 

Grandmamma — a shrewd observer— 

I remember gazed upon 
My new top, and said with fervor, 

" Oh, how kind of Uncle John ! " 

While mamma, my form caressing — 
In her eye the tear-drop stood — 

Read me this fine moral lesson, 

" See what comes of being good ! '* 



112 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

I remember, I remember, 
On a wet and windy day, 

One cold morning in December, 
I stole out and went to play ; 

I remember Billy Hawkins 

Came, and with his pewter squirt 

Squibb'd my pantaloons and stockings, 
Till they were all over dirt ! 

To my mother for protection 
I ran — quaking every limb — 

She exclaimed, with fond affection, 
'' Gracious goodness ! look at him ! " 

Pa cried, when he saw my garment — 
'Twas a newly-purchased dress — 

" Oh ! you nasty httle warment, 
How came you in such a messl '* 

Then he caught me by the collar — 

Cruel only to be kind — 
And to my exceeding dolor. 

Gave me — several slaps behind. 

Grandmamma, while yet I smarted, 
As she saw my evil plight, 

Said — 'twas rather strong-hearted — 
" Little rascal ! sarve him right ! " 

I remember, I remember, 

From that sad and solemn day. 

Never more in dark December 
Did I venture out to play. 

And the moral which they laught, I 
Well remember ; thus they said — 

*' Little boys, when they are naughty, 
Must be whipped and sent to bed ! " 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 113 



A MAETYE TO SCIENCE; OE, WANTED— A 
CONFEDEEATE. 

AN OKIGINAL FAECE, IN ONE ACT, FOR MALE CHABACTERS ONLY. 

• F. WESTON. 

Tweezer, a retired Chiropodist, aged 60. 

Dick J his son, aged 25. 

Humphrey Davy Rattleton, A.B.C.D.E.F., &c., &c., &c., 

Feripatetic Lecturer on Magnetico-photographico-hiology, aged 30. 
Drudgley, a Lawyer, aged 50. 

Scene — Tweezerville, near New York. 

Time — The present. 

Costumes — Of the day. 

Scene — A room comfortably, and rather gaudily furnished, a small 
table at r., a larger in the centre, chairs, a window opening to gar- 
den. Boors, r. and L. {For Stage Directions see page 64.) 

Tweezer. {Calls, without, r.) Dick ! Dick! 
Enter Tweezer, r. 

TwEEZ. Out again ! What a mania that boy has for ag- 
riculture ! Ever since I bought this snug little box, in 
which I might rest my corns — no ! I mean my bones, and 
enjoy a little quiet, Dick has devoted himself to rural affairs 
with an ardor which has quite surprised me ; I don't believe 
he knew a rose from a dandelion when we lived in New 
York, and now, now he breaks my head with all sorts of 
Latin names for the most uncommon flowers. There's some- 
thing more than flowers at the root of it ; it isn't natural, 
this sudden and unusual devotion to such a simple pursuit 
as botany. I must take care he doesn't fall in love with the 
wrong woman — tJiat would be a terrible mistake ; old Jack 
Stilton and I have put our heads together ; we agree that 
Letitia was made for Dick, Dick made for Letitia, and when 



114 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Jack and I do make up our minds about anything, it is not 
very easy to move us. 

Dick apjyears at o^oen window. 

Ah, Dick ! Where have you been since breakfast ? 

Dick. Studying botany, as^usual, all among the lilies and 
daffadowndillies — charming pursuit ! I can't say how much 
I love — the country. Who could live in town ? Groves of 
chimneys, atmosphere of smoke, rivers of mud, not a glimpse 
of green fields, not a breath of pure air — 

TwEEZ. But does it not occur to you, Dick, that without 
towns, we could hardly retire into the country ? How did 
I make my money ? not by growing my own corn, but by 
cutting other people's — and corns, Dick, are an institution 
of this great country — a civic institution, without which, I 
need hardly say, the vested rights of chiropodists would 
cease to be ; how then could that most useful class live ? 

Dick. But surely, father, you don't wish me to follow that 
profession ? 

TwEEZ. By no means — by no means ! no, you shall be a 
lawyer ; you've the gift of talk, you have plenty of — cheek ; 
and are by no means deficient in brains — in short, you're a 
chip of the old block ; and so, as I made my money by the 
weakness of other people's understandings, you shall make 
yours by understanding their weakness. 

Dick. Be it so. Though I shan't like goosequills as well 
as jonquils, nor think parchment as beautiful as a parterre ; 
I must begin to do something for myself — I'm of age — and 
I must try to carve out a road to fortune. 

TwEEZ. (Aside.) Now's the time to bring in a word of 
Letitia. (Aloud.) You're right, my dear boy, right — right — 
and I'll give you a reason for working, one you little dream 
of. 

Dick. (Asiide.) He doesn't mean a wife, surely. 

TwEEZ. I'll tell you a secret, Dick — one that concerns 
yourself. 

Dick I'm all attention, father. 



A MAKTYR TO SCIENCE. 115 

TWEEZ. "When I first cut corns in New York, I began with 
a dollar in my pocket, and a brass plate on my door. Ah ! 
that brass was a good investment, a little sometimes goes a 
long way. Little did I think, however, of once owning a 
villa in the country. I worked on, on, on — at last I married. 
She was a good woman if ever there was one. 

Dick. Ah, sir ! I never knew her. 

TwEEZ. And my only grief now is, that she is not here 
to share with me the prosperity we dreamt of so far away. 
A wife, Dick, a wife is a great help. 

Dick. (Aside.) I hardly can venture yet to tell him all. 
(Aloud.) A wife is — 

. TwEEZ. Who is that, Dick ? [PoinUng off.) Ah ! Mr. 
Drudgley, my lawyer, he comes on a little matter of busi- 
ness — rather inconveniently at this moment, as I wished 
particularly to speak to you on a subject. Leave us, Dick ; 
come back to luncheon. 

Dick. (Aside.) Wants to get rid of me. (Aloud.) Oh I I 
can go and botanize for an hour. (Aside.) Dearest Emily! 
he must soon be told everything, My dear old dad will 
forgive me, but what will Emily's father say V 

[Exit at window. 

Drudg. {Without.) Don't trouble, I'll announce myself. 
(Knocks.) 

TwEEZ. Come in ! 

Enter Drudgley, l. door. 

Good morning, Mr. Drudgley, I had hardly expected to see 
you so soon. 

Drudg. That, sir, is only because, in common with the 
world at large, you belie our profession. All the world is 
in a conspiracy (which I would indict if I could) to call the 
law dilatory. There certainly was a branch of the profes- 
sion that was so, but with that I never meddled ; Chancery 
has always been a proverb for delay ; my line runs in an- 
other direction entirely. 

TwEEZ. Well ! then I may hope that you've brought the 



116 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

papers relative to the mortgage. I do not conceal from you, 
Mr. Drudgley, that in thus investing a very large portion 
of what I possess, I am bound to be cautious, perhaps sus- 
picious. I must cut down to the very root. 

DiiUDa. As you once did professionally in re Corn and 
Bunion versus Foot, eh ? You're quite right, Mr. Tweezer ; 
it would indeed be quite contrary to my mode of transact- 
ing business to allow clients to hurry themselves. Look 
into the matter, sir, till you see truth shining at the very 
bottom of the legal well. Ah ! if every one of my clients 
always did that — if they only had a little of your caution, 
perhaps suspicion, as you call it, there would be little enough 
for us to do sometimes. 

TWEEZ. Well ! leave the papers with me — I've a quiet 
day. All the world but ourselves is gone to the races — I 
shall have no interruptions — 

Drudg. {Gonsidtiag memorandum hook.) Is there a Miss Tit- 
marsh residing hereabouts ? — Emily Titmarsh ? — living with 
her aunt, Mrs. Hobbleton. 

TwEEZ. To be sure there is ; not half a mile distant across 
the fields — go across my meadow — it will save you half the 
walk. 

Drudg. Thank you — thank you. ]^ow read over the 
papers very carefully ; with your acute intellect and busi- 
ness habits you'll have mastered the subject long before my 
return. \_Exit at window, Tweezer giving him directions, 

TwEEZ. And now for a quiet investigation of my new 
venture. Drudgley represents to me that it must double 
the investment, and that the mortgage is sure to come into 
my hands ; if so, Dick will bo thoroughly well off, and with 
Jack Stilton's savings, the young couple will " do." I don't 
quite like Drudgley's excessively complimentary addresses. 
He always talks about my business habits ; I must look 
with some — caution into the papers. Yet — isn't he right r 
I am a good man of business — have been so all my life. At 
all events, I've not signed yet. Now for it. {Ah he begins to 
settle down to realy the gate hell rings.) Now, in the name of alii 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 117 

that's uncomfortable, wlio can this bo ? Miss Mac Wheedle, 
.1 shouldn't wonder — that woman has a design on me I do 
believe. 

Eattletox. (Without.) Where is my friend? 

TwEEZ. A stranger. I don't know the voice. 

Eattle. Stand aside, nor hinder the embrace of friend- 
ship. (Buns in at L. door.) 

TwEEZ. This is some mistake — a stranger ! 

Eattle. What do you mean by stranger ? Whas do you 
m.ean by mistake ? Ah ! you don't remember me — fortu- 
nately, I have a better memory. I remember you perfectly. 
Do you pretend to have forgotten that glorious day on board 
the excursion boat ? Ah ! Tweezer, Tweezer ! did we not 
vow eternal friendship ? Did I not see you home P Did 
not you, with amiable pertinacity, planting your foot on your 
native — doormat, exclaim, Tweezer is not unmindful — none 
of his clan were ungrateful — 

TwEEZ. I beg, sir — 

Eattle. To apologize ? no ! Say no more — confession 
is half way to restitution. Though you forget, I forgive ; 
and according to your polite and pressing invitation, here 
I am — you said — • 

TwEEZ. (Li despair.) Sir — 

Eattle. I remember — thank you — that was the precise 
word with which you began. You said, " Sir, I shall ever 
retain a grateful and lively recollection of this day's scien- 
tific conversation." "Mr. Eattleton," you continued, " I do 
not hesitate to class you among the remarkable men of this 
age, and if ever" — This is the point — "if ever" — mind, if 
I don't quote you word for word, forgive me, " If ever you 
come near Tweezerville, without looking up old Dick Tweez- 
er, he'll never forgive you the slight." To-day it so happens 
that fate kindly brings me to this neighborhood. To my 
delighted eyes there appears on each side of a gate, painted 
in Eomanesque capitals, " Tweezerville," and dear Dick 
Tweezer's name on a bright brass plate. {With emotion.) I 
could not bear that you should feel slighted — and so here I 



118 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

am. This is my carpet bag — and here, ready to strain you to 
his aching heart, stands your friend — prepared to accept 
your hospitality, and (at a future date) to return it. 

T^YEEZ. Now, sir, that you have expended your super- 
fluous breath, allow me to speak. I do not at all remember 
the affair of the excursion boat, or the scientific conversation, 
or any pressing offer of hospitality, or even the dear friend I 
see so suddenly before me. 

Eattle. Well, it's excusable ! — we parted late. Confound 
the salmon ; it gave even me a head-ache in the morning — 
would it were among the extinct animals of the museum ! — 
but it did not obliterate from " this distracted globe " the 
great fact of the invitation. You don't dispute its being 
ghen, I hope ? — you don't dispute its being accepted, I hope ? 
So, I'm come to revel in a quiet, philosophical, scientific way 
— Ah ! how seldom is it that we escape from our learned so- 
cieties at this season of the year ! 

TwEEZ. But iclio. or what are you ? My memory does not 
even serve to recall your face. 

Eattle. {Aside.) How should it ? 

TwEEZ. Pavor me with the name of the gentleman who 
thus honors Tweezerville with his presence. 

Eattle. Now that's capitally acted ! bravo I I shouldn't 
have thought you'd so much *' go " in you. A quiet, do- 
mure old fellow like you ! Ah ! when we discussed ichthy- 
osauri on board the excursion boat, I had no idea that you 
could make so good a figure on the boards. 

Tweez. Boards ! — what boards ? 

Eattle. The stage — Thespis — Melpomene — Thalia — all 
that sort of thing! But, seriously speaking, you ca7iH have 
forgotten Humphrey Davy Eattleton — a man with a tail of 
initial letters as long as a luggage train, at present lectur- 
ing on the newly-discovered science of Magnetico-photo- 
graphi(;o-biology, and about to enlighten on that subject 
the Institute in the next town. As the lecture comes off 
to-morrow night, your offer of a bed comes most oppor- 
tunely. 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 119 

TwEEZ, Excuse me, sir, but the offer of a bed, as you are 
pleased to call it, lias not been made. 

Eattle. The hed not made. Tell Mary Ann to air the 
sheets — I'm not afraid of damp beds liere I 

TwEEZ. I can hardly help laughing at his assurance — 
Sir, had you written, I should have been prepared to do 
honor to my long €X}>ected gued ; as it is, I can only wish you — 

Rattle. To accept temporary hospitality — good — 

TwEEZ. And now, Mr. Eattlepate — 

Eattle. Eattleton, if you please — I'm rather particular 
about my name — it does not signify just at present, but a 
good deal of money might depend on the manner of spelling 
it — miglit depend — hem ! I say nothing. 

TwEEZ. Well, Mr. Eattleton— then — 

Eattle. Stay ! Stand as you are. "What a study for a 
painter ! — benevolence — hospitality — humor — all largely — 
very largely developed. Let me prevail on you to come over 
and hear mo lecture to-morrow night — nay ; even to assist 
me in my experiments — in the name of science, I implore 
you. I have never had a favorable example yet — you pre- 
sent that example — I shall succeed with you, I know. [Aside.) 
He'd be a glorious confederate — known and respected in the 
neighborhood. {Aloud.) Come — say you'll come. I shall 
demonstrate the science of magnetic fluids generally ; and 
you — yoa are a whole battery in yourself — scientific — 

Tweez. I beg your pardon, sir — I am a very plain and 
unscientific person. 

Eattle Excuse me there. Every line in your face belies 
that statement — science is in every wrinkle — not fully devel- 
oped — no — but the material is there. The mine is no less a 
mine, because the spade and mattock have left the soil vir- 
gin still. The ore is there, sir, though the hum of labor has 
never yet disturbed the holy calm of nature. {Ande.) 1 mi(d 
have him — and such a confederate is not to be had every 
day. 

Tweez. I can only repeat, sir, that I have no magnetism, 
and no other ism about me ; that I know nothing, and care 



120 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

nothing about ologies of any sort, and am altogether unscien- 
tific. 

Rattle. Eeally, Tweezer, this is provoking. I've never 
thoroughly succeeded yet, for want of — of — an assistant — 
furnished with magnetic fluid, as I see you are, and willing 
to give way to the influences of the lecturer. 

TwEEZ. In plain words — a confederate. Sir, you've come 
down here on false pretences — you've — 

Hattle. Take your time, Tweezer — Listen to me while 
you recover your breathe We magnetico-photographico- 
biologists are benefactors to the human race ; but the igno- 
rant world is against us. Now, our fluids — yours and mine 
— are in accord — with you^ I should succeed — I know I 
should. 

TWEEZ. But I'm not a fluid. 

Rattle. Yes, you are — that's the curious thing about it. 
I never noticed it on board the excursion boat, but you are 
one huge battery of magnetic fluid ; and you must help me, 
call yourself what you will — assistant, illustrator, even con- 
federate — I'll not quarrel about words ; lend me half-a-dollar. 

Tweez. I? 

Rattle. Yes ! just for an experiment. I left my purse at 
home, and metal is essential. 

Tweez. Well, here is one. You'll restore it, of course ? 
( Gives money. ) 

Rattle. Do you doubt me ? 

Tweez. Hem! 

Rattle. Now, let me explain. You gaze upon the coin 
which I hold thus — I pass my hands before you so — don't 
be alarmed — you can be persuaded to almost anything; 
when once I have yoa in accord with my fluid — 

Tweez. Persuade me to almost anything ? Perhaps per- 
saudo me to go to your lecture — 

Rattle. Anything. Only you must yield to my influ- 
ence. 

Tweez. It's quite demoniacal — if true. You say that you 
never succeeded yet. 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 121 

Rattle. Never ; but then I hadn't found a good fluid. 
Now I have. Let us proceed. "Would you like to know 
what people ihinh about ? — the value of property — the state 
of their affections — 

TwEEZ. Ah, yes — if I could — 

Rattle. You can^ when once I place this coin thus — in 
the palm of my hand — you gaze on it — I proceed with my 
lecture — 

TwEEZ. Let us hear what you have to say. 

Battle. I'll cut all the first part of it, and come to the 
experiments. You'll always see the scientific people asleep 
at lectures, till we come to the experiments. Keep your 
eye on the half-dollar. 

TwEEZ. That I will. {Aside.) Nothing shall tempt me to 
take my eyes off. 

Rattle. "Ladies and gentlemen — The gigantic science, 
of which I am but a humble votary, having been fully ex- 
plained to you in the first part of this evening's address, it 
now becomes my pleasing duty to illustrate my remarks by 
a few experiments on individuals taken at random from the 
distinguished and intellectual body assembled in this hall." 
Hear ! Hear ! 

Tweez. Who says that ? 

Rattle. The audience, to be sure — audiences always 
concur in observations complimentary to themselves. But 
don't interrupt — this highly respectable gentleman — that's 
you— 

Tweez. Hear, hear ! 

Rattle. You mustn't say that — 

Tweez. Oh ! I thought you said we always concur in com- 
plimentary observations. 

Rattle. True, the audience does — this highly respectable 
gentleman — 

Tweez. Hear, hear ! 

Battle. Silence — you put me out. 

Tweez. {Amle.) I can't. 

Rattle. With whom I've not the slightest previous ac- 
quaintance — • 



122 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

TwEEZ. But you had — or liow should I be there ? 

Rattle. Thankye, Tweezer, for reminding me about the 
excursion boat. In public, however, we must not have any 
communication. For science to make way with the million, 
we must humbug a little. Don't interrupt — you keep look- 
ing at the half-dollar. 

TwEEZ. Ah, that I do ! 

Eattle. This person, selected at random from among 
yourselves, will allow me to pass the magnetic current 
through his system. See ! I now proceed to deprive him of 
all distinct individuality. He becomes as it were a part of 
myself — he and I know each other's thoughts and wishes. 
I bid him sit down — See ! he sits. E,ise ! he rises. Hold 
out the right arm — See ! he does so. Be in a garden — smell 
the flowers. (Tweezer sniffs violently.) Bravo ! — now, Tweez- 
er, you can do that ? 

Tweez. Of course, now that I am your fluid, I must do 
whatever you tell me. 

Eattle. Bravo ! bravo ! we should make a fortune to- 
gether. I see a brilliant career of spirit-rapping — table-turn- 
ing — invisible flights — a fortune ! You'll come, and do this 
for me. 

Tweez. I must — command your fluid ! 

Eattle. Enough for the present. Why, is it possible 
that I have succeeded ? By Minerva ! I have then. I hope 
I shall be able to undo my work. Does the effect really go 
off, as they say, in half-an-hour ? (SUjjs the half -dollar into his 
jyncket. ) 

Tweez. Hullo ! that's my half-dollar. 

Eattle. To bo sure it is. He's wide awake about that, 
at all events. Now, I must keep every one else out, at all 
events, till I relieve Tweezer from his trance. (Lrds the 
door. ) Ah, what do I see ? That old shark, Drudgley, 
coming this way. He has at least one suit oat against me. 
I must flit — he's coming towards the window — then the door 
must befriend me. [Ualocks door and exits, L. 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 123 

Ente7^ Drudgley by window — meanwhile Tweezer, under the influ- 
ence of the magnetism^ remains perfecily passive — the actor on each 
person touching his hand should acquire a sudden vitality and con- 
sciousness. 

Drudgley. ^yell, Mr, Tweezer, have you read the papers, 
and mastered their contents? (Pause.) Is he deaf, I wonder ! 
I say {louder), have you mastered the papers? Are you 
ready to sign? {Pause.) What, silent still? Yery odd — sir — 
sir — I really begin to be alarmed. ( Tales his hand.) 

TwEEZ. So you've come back ! 

Drudg. {Drawing a long Irealh.) What a relief I Why, I've 
been standing here talking to you for a minute or two, 
without getting any answer. I feared you were ill. 

TwEEZ. And what answer do you expect to get ? What 
answer do you deserve ? 

Drudg. Deserve — deserve, Mr. Tweezer ? Why, the answer 
of a true friend to a conscientious law^yer. 

TwEEZ. Ah ! if you were one. 

Drudg. What do you mean — do you wish to insult me ? 

TwEEZ. It's of no sort of use blustering — the mortgage 
is not worth the paper the deed's engrossed on. 

Drudg. {Ande.) Who can have been here? Not even a 
clerk knows for whom the mortgage was to be. [Aloud.) 
Mr. Tweezer, I don't understand such language from one 
who is under great obligations to me — I should not, sir, 
(emotion) I could not have expected this — I should as soon 
have looked for the wife of my bosom — 

TwEEZ. Ha ! ha! ha! 

Drudg. What do you mean ? Is there anything ludicrous 
in a man quoting the opinion, or appealing to the experi- 
ence of the women who must know him best of all the 
world ? I should as soon expect Mrs. Drudgley to doubt 
my honor, as one who w^as once, at any rate, my valued 
client, and excellent friend. {Appears overcome.) 

TwEEZ. Now, no crocodile tears ; you know that Mrs. 
Drudgley is your master — the better horse, eh ? People at 
large think you're head of the firm, tee know better. 



124 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Drtjdg. (Aside.) Has she been here ? Impossible ! she said 
she was going to her aunt's — aunts are convenient relations 
sometimes ; she goes to see her because I will not have aunt 
Sally in my house, but I mustn't quarrel. {Aloud.) Ah ! Mr. 
Tweezer, you always were fond of a joke. 

TwEEZ. You call it a joke, do you? you're quite right to 
treat it as such, if you don't mind it, of course 1 don't. 

Drudg. {Aside.) I wish I knew how much he really knows ; 
there certainly is something very wild — insanity or inebria- 
tion — in his eye. I must find the son, he'll be able to ex- 
plain what's the matter with his father ; I wonder if he is 
mad. \_Exit in alarm, window. 

TwEEZ. (Calling after him.) No, sir, Tweezer is not mad. 
He has recovered his senses. This is a capital thing, to learn 
what each one thinks and means. I feel Dick coming — but 
he's not clear — all in a mist. I shall not know what the 
mystery is till 7ny fluid communicates with the pulsation of 
his. [Sits down.) 

Dick enters at door l, 

Dick. There sits my dad. Now for a confession. Father! 
[Pause.) Father! [Pause.) Why, what sudden deafness is 
this ? The poor dear old boy isn't ill, I hope. [Touches him.) 

TwEEZ. Ah, Dick ! so you've been with Emily ? 

Dick. Emily, sir ! 

TwEEZ. Yes. You don't mean to pretend you haven't 
been there, do you ? 

Dick. Certainly not, as you say so. Pve been with Emily ! 
— how didjio learn it ? (Aside.) 

TwEEZ. I hope you love her dearly ? 

Dick. Dearly, sir ? — that I do. Bravo ! this is the wife 
he mysteriously hinted at just now. Wc shall get on like 
a house on fire ! 

TwEEZ She's a good girl, I believe, Dick ? 

Dick. The best of girls, sir. I'm delighted that you ap- 
prove of my choice. 

TwEEZ. But I don't. I meant you to marry another — 
Letitia Stilton ; not that I'd interfere with your affections. 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 125 

But you sliould have consulted me before you proposed to 
Emily. 

Dick. Why, we feared you might not give your consent ; 
and so — and so — 

TwEEZ. And so you did without it ? and got married — 

Dick. Married, sir ? How on earth did you learn that 
we were married ? — you didn't know it this morning, for 
you were on the point of opening the subject when Mr. 
Drudgley— Ah ! of course, Drudgley — ^he's the intending 
mischief maker. But, fortunately for us, he has not suc- 
ceeded in setting you against us. 

TwEEZ. Drudgley knows nothing about it ; never mind 
him. Let us make the best of what's done. We can't have 
bigamy even for Jack Stilton's daughter. But I ought to 
be very angry. 

Dick. Forgive us this once ; we'll never do it again. 
You'll see Emily — I know you'll like her — she'll idolize you. 
You'll call her daughter, won't you ? 

TwEEZ. Ah! but what will Jack Stilton .say ? He used 
to be such a fiery fellow. He used to beat the watchmen 
once — a long time ago : we got taken before Sir Eichard 
Birnie — hem ! Do you think he'll forgive Emily ? 

Dick. You must talk him over. The memory of your 
joint indiscretions in youth will mollify him. But do toW. 
me how you learnt that we were married. 

P^ATTLETOX enters cautiously at ivmdow. Tweezer, who appears to 
move maclianically ^ sinks in a chair. 

Rattle. Coast clear ? Father and son tete-a-tete, I sup- 
pose. 

Dick. Ah I sir, is it you who have done me the favor of 
meddling in my private affairs ? You have fortunately done 
no mischief, whatever you intended. 

Eattle. I've nothing to do with your private affairs. I 
don't know what you mean by mischief. I've made none. 
(^iszV/^.) I conclude the old one has been enlightening him. 
Bravo the science of magnetico-photographico-biology. 



126 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Dick. I'm really mucli obliged to your officious zeal. 
You have opened a very delicate subject with my father. 
As it happens (no thanks to your intentions) he is quite will- 
ing to forgive my marriage with Emily Titmarsh. 

Battle. Emily — Titmarsh ! Say it again. 

Dick Emily Titmarsh. 

Eattle. This is indeed a surprise — a very disagreeable 
surprise. 

Dick. Confound it ! you surely don't affect ignorance of 
my union with her ? Yes, she is no longer a Titmarsh but 
a Tweezer ! 

Eattle. This is indeed a blow ! From this day forth let 
us never meet, for if we do, it must be as foes. I loved 
Emily. 

Dick. Loved my wife ! 

Eattle. No ; she was to be my wife. 

Dick. Impossible ! 

Eattle. But true nevertheless. She did indeed reject me, 
but I lived in hopes. Those hopes you have dashed to the 
ground. Oh ! Emily — false — false ! Why was 1 born ? 
Why do I live ? 

Dick. Don't be absurd ; the days of heroics are over ! I 
have won the lady. She's mine. I'm going now to bring 
her home. 

Eattle. Spare me that pang at least. Let me not look 
on her. 

Dick. Pooh ! pooh ! Now, Emily, dear, you shall come to 
your future home. \_Exit Dick, l. door, 

Eattle. Well ! that's off my mind. I can't hope any 
more in that quarter. I can't have the niece. I'll try the 
aunt. She's got two thousand dollars a year I know, and 
all at her own disposal. Ah! Tweezer seems recovering 
himself. 

TwEEZ. (liuhhhfg his eye.% and resuming his natural manner.) 
What ! Mr. Eattleton, not gone, I thought you were to bo 
at New York by this time. 

Eattle. We haven't lunched yet. 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 127 

T"WEEZ. Haven't we ? — I've been dreaming, then. Where's 
my son, I wonder ? 

Eattle. He Avas here just now ; he's stepped out for a 
minute. Let me have some luncheon, and be off. But, 
never fear, I'll fetch you to-morrow, my cultivator of the 
humanities. I'll take the liberty of ringing the bell. {Ring^.) 

TwEEZ. You've done nothing but take liberties all the 
morning. [AMe.) 

Enter Servant at door^ l. 

Lunch ! \_Exit Servant — returns with tray. 

Rattle. {Sits down to lunch.) Your health, Tweezer. Cap- 
ital sherry — very. 

Enter Dick, l. 

Dick. I forgot one thing — Why, here's this fellow mak- 
ing himself at home I 

Tweez. Dick, I've something to say to you. 

Dick. Looks grave ! Can't be a lecture, after our amica- 
ble understanding just now. 

Tweez. We were interrupted this morning, just as I was 
going to broach a very interesting subject. 

Dick. Yes, sir ; but since then we've said all that is ne- 
cessary to be said, haven't we ? I've great pleasure in remem- 
bering all the kind things you said. Though you said you 
were angry, I didn't believe you ; your words were contra- 
dicted by your looks. 

Tweez. What are you dreaming of? 

Dick. I confess I did not expect to find you thought me 
old enough to marry — 

Tweez. Not old enough ? On the contrary, marriage is 
what I set my heart on. 

Dick. So I found, to my great surprise. Well, sir, are Ave 
to live here for the present ? 

Tweez. It Avould be most convenient, perhaps ; but there'll 
be time enough for all that when the preliminaries are set- 
tled. 



128 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Dick. T don't quite compreliencl you. What sort of pre- 
liminaries do you mean ? 

TwEEZ. Why, my dear Dick, you know that however 
well the parents may understand one another, and however 
well the young people may understand one another, there 
are times and seasons — consent to be asked — the day fixed — 
the knot tied — 

Dick. I'm all at sea. 

TwEEZ. I'll bring you into port. Jack Stilton has only 
to be asked, and Letitia will be your own. 

Dick. What can the governor be driving at ? He knows 
I'm married to Emily, and wants me now to marry Letitia. 
Let us if we can, sir, get at something like an explanation. 

E-ATTLE. {Finishing his luncheon.) Let me explain. 

TwEEZ. You'd better not interfere, sir. 

Eattle. But I must interfere ! — justice demands it ! — 
your son already loves, but not the lady you destine for him. 

Tweez. Not Letitia ! Who then is his choice ? 

Dick. Oh, father ! — to ask such a question after giving 
your consent to my marriage. 

Tweez. What marriage ? This is the first I've heard of 
it. What marriage ? 

Dick. My marriage with Emily. 

Tweez. Your marriage with Emily ? 

Eattle. His marriage with Emily ! 

Dick. I confessed this morning in this room, not an hour 
ago, that I was already a married man. 

Tweez. Pinch me, somebody ! Do you mean to say you're 
actually married to her ? 

Dick. Yes ; and that you are quite ready to welcome her 
as a daughter. 

Tweez. Not a word of truth in the whole story. 

Eattle. Oh, Tweezer! that salmon again — at one o'clock 
in the day too ! — ^g^ fie ! 

Tweez. Do you want to drive me wild ? 

Dick. No, sir ; but I want you to abide by your own '' 
words. I asked you how you had learnt that I was married : , 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 129^ 

you told me it didn't signify — nay, hear me out — tliat you 
would make tlie best of it and forgive us. 

TwEEZ. You mean to persuade me tliat I forgave you ! 
that I said all this ! You'll persuade me that I am not my- 
self soon. 

Eattle. Only beside yourself. I once loved Emily Tit- 
marsh. She rejected me — I lost sight of her. To-day I find 
her married to your son. I make the best of it — I forgive ; 
you make the best of it — you forgive. Embrace us both — 
come, come. {Both reject Eattleto:n'.) 

, TwEEZ. If you are married, I suppose I must make the 
best of it ; but it's a terrible upset of a cherished plan. But 
I see Drudgley coming across the lawn. 

Battle. Where — where ? Dick, I've something particu- 
lar to say to you in the next room. Come. 

Dick. Something particular ? 

Eattle. {Dragging him off.) There's no time to be lost. 

[Exetmt^ R. 

Drudgley enters at ivindow — manner very formal. 

DuUDa. Well, sir, I've come back, hoping to find you in 
a better frame of mind than when I had my last painful 
conversation with you. 

TwEEZ. Painful conversation ? I didn't at all see that 
our conversation was at all painful — was it ? 

Drudg. It was to me — very painful. It was full of re- 
m.arks prejudicial to a very honorable profession, of which I 
am but a humble member. We may be permitted to feel 
and to resent the indignities done to our class. 

TwEEZ. I don't think you expected me to sign papers 
without reading them ? 

DuuDa. Certainly not. I'm glad, however, to find your 
tone and language so much more moderate since we parted. 
Look over — scrutinize them — but remember you insulted 
me about business and about my wife, in a way that can only 
be excused by supposing that you were under the influence 
of— 



11 

130 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

TWEEZ. Drink — pray say, drink 1 I or you have been 
drinking this morning. 

Drudgi-. Allow m3 to observe that it is not I. 

TWEEZ. Good, good — say it is I. Every one seems to be 
of the same opinion — there's only one sane person here, to 
all appearances. 

Drudg-. And that is- 

TwEEZ Mr. Eattleton. 

Drudq. He's here, is he ? Well, I want him ! 

TwEEZ. On legal business ? 

DRiJDa. Most of my business is legal — but now tell me-f 
•when shall we complete ? when will yoM sign ? The whole 
thing may fall through if not done directly- 

TwEEZ. A little family affair has to be settled first, of 
which I was not aware this morning. 

Drudg. He evidently is suspicious. (Aside.) Where is 
Mr. Eattleton ? 

TwEEZ. Sit down — have something to eat. He'll be here 
directly. 

Drudg. Thank you. (Sits down and begins luncheon.) 

Enter Eattleton, r., and goes up to Drudgley, l. 

Eattle. Ah ! Mr. Drudgley, how are you ? It is some 
time since we met Have you any information touching 
that little matter ? 

Drudg. (Producing writ.) Yes ! I'll trouble you with this 
— excuse my serving it myself — I've never been able to lay 
my hand on you till now. 

Eattle. Now look here ; you show me a writ, I'll show 
you a coin. ( Tdkes out the half-dollar.) Look steadily at this ; 
do you see anything peculiar about it. 

Drudg. {Cmitinuing t) eat.) No — it's only a half-dollar. 

Eattle. Look steadily. I pass my hands so — gaze on it 
— see — the spell works — he's mine — my second fluid to-day. 
(Drudgley's fnrh lias been arrested on its way to his mouth.) 
There ; lie's quiet for a time. . 

TWEEZ. What's the matter ? — is he choking ? 



A MARTYR TO SCIENCE. 131 

Eattle. 'No ; I've only electro-etceteraed him. 

TwEEZ. What do you mean ? 

Eattle. Why, I've passed the fluid through his system 
and he becomes a portion of myself — loses his own individ- 
uality. 

Tweez. Allow me to ask, have I been in an electro-etcet- 
era state to-day ? 

Eattle. Something very like it. 

TwEEZ. By way of rehearsal for your confounded soiree, 
I suppose ? 

Eattle. Unintentional — on my honor. 

TwEEZ. And it is to you I am indebted for having for- 
given my son and insulted my lawyer ? 

Eattle. Don't distress yourself — both are good actions. 
Look at me: I'll worm out his secrets. {Takes Drtjdgley's 
hand.) Tell me, man of parchment, what dost thou hope from 
me? 

Drudg. You don't know, Mr. Eattleton — you've been 
running away from your best friend. 

Eattle. Ah ! you want to stick to me I 

DutJDa. If you knew all, you'd know that in my house is 
a document of the greatest importance to you. 

Eattle. Not a second Avrit P 

DuuDa. No ; the title deeds of an estate in Wisconsin — 
some five thousand dollars a-year. 

Eattle. Wealth untold ! Where is the innocent sheep- 
skin ? 

Drtjdg. In box No. 7, right hand side, as you enter my 
ojBB.ce. 

Eattle. Good. {Males passes.) 

Drudg. {Puis the food in his mouth, and continues as lefore.) 
So, as I was going to observe, Mr. Eattleton, you can't think 
how long I have looked for you. 

Eattle Not longer than I have for the title deeds of a 
little estate to Wisconsin, value about five thousand dollars 
a-year, now in box No. 7, on the right hand, as you enter 
your office. 



132 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Drudo. What ! what ! — who told you this P Believe me, 
Mr. Eattleton, I have sought you for iiDO purporses — to re- 
cover a debt and to pay one — I shall be able to do both at 
the same time. I congratulate you heartily. Good morning. 

E.ATTLE. No, no — hang me ! I'll not part with you till I 
see the deeds safe in these hands of mine. I'll not trouble 
you again to look after me as you have done. 
Dick runs in. r. 

Dick. Father, father — here's Emily. 

Battle. Stay — don't let her come in yet ; it would be too 
much for me. Now, Mr. Drudgley, are you ready to start ? 
— I want my deeds. 

Drudg. Come, come — 

Battle. Ko delay, or I put my art once more in force 
against you. Here, Tweezer — here's your half-dollar. " Lie 
there, my art." ( Qims it.) Dick, I congratulate you ! Science 
has stood your friend, and mine — and yours, Tweezer. 
Dradgley, be honest ; tell truth and shame the ancient gen- 
tleman, or beware my power ; I've only got to do so^ and so. 
(Making passes.) Ah ! I forgot — I'd better do this in another 
place. ( To (he Audience. ) Who'll lend me half-a-dollar ? — I've 
five thousand a-year now. Don't speak all at once. Thank 
you, sir. If you will step up here with the coin, I shall no 
longer have to go about the world in want of A CONEED- 
EBATE. 

CUHTAIN. 



LODGINGS FOE SINGLE GENTLEMEN. 

COLMAN THE YOUNGER. 

Who has e'er been in London, that overgrown place, 
Has seen " Lodgings to Let " stare him full in the face, 
Some are good and let dearly ; wiiile some., 'tis well known, 
Are so dear, and so bad, they are best let alone. 

Will Waddle, whose temper was studious and lonely, 
Hired lodgings that took single gentlemen only ; 



LODGINGS FOR SINGLE GENTLEMEN. 133 

But Will was s^o fat, he appear'd like a tun, 
Or like two single gentlemen roU'd into one. 

He enter'd his rooms, and to bed he retreated ; 
But all the night long he felt fever'd and heated ; 
And, though heavy to weigh as a score of fat sheep, 
He was not, by any means, heavy to sleep. 

Next night 'twas the same ! and the next ! and the next ! 
He perspired like an ox ; he was nervous and vex'd ; 
Week passed after week, till by weekly succession, 
His weakly condition was past all expression. 

In six months his acquaintance began much to doubt him ; 
For his skin, " like a lady's loose gown," hung about him. 
He sent for a doctor, and cried, like a ninny, 
" I have lost many pounds — make me well, there's a guinea." 

The doctor look'd wise: — "A slow fever," he said; 
Prescribed sudoriflces, and going^ to bed. 
" Sudorifices in bed," exclaimed Will, " are humbugs ! 
I've enough of them there, without paying for drugs I " 

Will kick'd out the doctor: — but when ill indeed. 
E'en dismissing the doctor don't always succeed ; 
So, calling his host, he said, '* Sir, do you know, 
I'm the fat single gentleman, six months ago '? 

''Look ye, landlord, I think," argued Will with a grin, 
" That with honest intentions you first took me in : 
But from the first night — and to say it I'm bold — 
I've been so very hot, that I m sure I caught cold ! " 

Quoth the landlord, " Till now, I ne'er had a dispute ; 
Ive let lodgings ten years, — I'm a baker to boot ; 
In aii'ing your sheets, sir, my wife is no sloven ; 
And your bed is immediately — over my oven." 

"The oven ! " says Will : — says the host, "Why this passion 1 
In that excellent bed died three people of fashion. 



134 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Why so crustj^ good sir "l " — " Zounds ! " cried Will, in a taking, 
" Who wouldn't be crusty, with half a year's baking 1 " 

Will paid for his rooms : cried the host, with a sneer, 
" Well, I see you've been going away half a year." 
" Friend, we can't well agree; — yet no quarrel," Will said : 
" But I'd rather not perish, while you make your bread." 



THE FAEMEE AND THE COUNSELLOE. 

SMITl 

A COUNSEL in the "Common Pleas," 
Who was esteemed a mighty wit. 
Upon the strength of a chance hit, 

Amid a thousand flippancies, 

And his occasional bad jokes. 

In bullying, bantering, browbeating, 
Kidiculing and maltreating 

Women, or other timid folks ; 

In a late cause, resolved to hoax 

A clownish Yorkshire farmer — one 
Who, by his uncouth look and gait, 
Appeared expressly meant by fate 

For being quizzed and played upon. 

So having tipped the wink to those 

In the back rows. 
Who kept their laughter bottled down, 

Until our wag sliould draw the cork — 
He smiled jocosely on the clown, 

And w^ent to work. 

" Well, Farmer Numskull, liow go calves at York 1 ' 
"Wh}^ — not, sir, as they do wi' you; 
But on four legs instead of two.^^ 
" Officer," cried the legal elf. 
Piqued at the laugh against himself, 



THE PUGILISTS. 135 

''■ Do pi'ay keep sil-mce down below there !' 
Now look at me, clown, and attend, 
Have I not seen j^ou somewhere, friend '? " 

" Yees, very like, I often go there." • , 

"Our ru{?tic's waggish — quite laconic," 
(The counsel cried, with grin sardonic,) ' 

'' I wish I'd known this prodigy, 
This genius of the clods, when I 

On circuit was at York residing. 
Now, farmer, do for once speak true, 
Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you 
Who doubtless think yourself so clever, 
Are there as many fools as ever 

In the West Riding 1 " 

" Why no, sir, no ! we've got our share, 
But not so many as when you were there." 



THE PUGILISTS. 

A STRIKING TALE. 

ANONYMOUS. 

Two boxers long enrollexl by fame. 

In honors such as bruisers claim, 

Who having often sparred and fought, 

And many a hardy victory bought, 

By thumps, black eyes, and knock-down blows, 

Eke broken head and bloody nose, 

At length, like oti.er heroes great, 

That can control each humble state, 

And keep the peaceful I'ogues in awe, 

By what the vulgar call c^ub-laiv, 

Agreed, though friends, they should contest, 

Which of themselves could fight the best, 

Ambassadors went forth to treat. 

Each Champion's council sage to greet ; 



136 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Not with intent to offer peace, 
And bid the sanguine passions cease ; 
No ; — they the bruising art admired,^ 
Were with the glorious contest fired : 
Therefore they wider made the breach. 
Conveyed in threats, from each to eacbu 

At length these sage Ambassadors 
Arranged all matters by the laws — 
By pugilistic laws I meaU; 
Such as apply to fighting men ; 
For war, in every various scene, 
Where blood and slaughter intervene^ 
Pays, or at least, appears to pay, 
Respect to wliat it does away. 
Thus, when a tyrant conq'ror seizes 
Some state his fell ambition pleases, 
He says they had infringed the law^ 
And holds them bound by right of war. 
The Dutch, the Italians, and the Swiss, 
Severely feel the truth of this. 
Heaven guard our happy Isle ! may we 
From Conquerors' laws be ever free I 

At lenglh all matters are agreed, 
The combatants, in form, proceed 
To fam'd Olympus or Eleusis, 
Whichever name the hearer chooses ; 
Yet think not they such ninnies prove. 
Merely to fight for downright love j 
No ; — money, money is the prize, 
To pay for bruises and black eyes. 
The scientific gulls profound. 
In close cabal are plac'd around. 
Now hands they shake, and now set to, 
To please the motley, mongrel crew. 
A round is fought, and then another, 
The odds run high on this and t'other; 
Murmurs and shouts, and loud huzzas, 



THE PUGILISTS. 137 

Sound fortli each battered hero's praise ; 
But still, obedient to the laws, 
'Twixt ev'ry round there is a pause. 
" Time ! " cries a voice — again they fight, 
Besraear'd and bruis'd, a hideous sight ! 
Round after round with mix'd applause 
Goes on, and ''Time" ends every pause. 

Time, call'd so oft, at length appears, 

A goodly sage, thou worn in years ; 

At sight of him each savage started, 

And, growling, would have thence departed : 

Enchantment fixes them — they stand, 

And trembling, view the glass in's hand ; 

While prostrate, panting on the ground, 

The boxers by the spell are bound. 

He speaks : " What would ye, knaves and fools, 

Who thus disturb my peaceful rules '? 

Say, titled idlers, what have joii 

Among this motley group to do ] 

Within St. Stephen's echoing walls, 

The Senate for your service calls ; 

Your country, too, demands your aid, 

There let your prowess be display'd ; 

And let the foes of Britain know, 

What to your native land you owe ! — ■ 

For you, ye sots, that mingled round. 

In murm'ring laziness are found — • 

Go to your several homes, and there 

Let your starv'd offspring be your care ; 

Work — show your industry and love, 

And thus to Time your value prove ! 

You, bleeding mastiffs, who have now 

No power to urge the angry blow ; 

Yet whose liard hearts still burn with rage. 

In the fierce conflict to engage ; 

On you is vainly spent my breath — 

Behold, how near thevicLor — Death ! 

See ready his upVifced dart, 



138 COMTO REOITxVTIONS. 

To pierce each bleeding bravo's heart.'* 
This said — bis garment opening wide, 
Disco ver'd Death close at his side ; 
Their fear he saw — the spell unbound, 
And each prepar'd to quit the ground; 
In haste, the late exulting crew, 
Peers, boxers, mob and all withdrew. 



HOW PAT SAVED HIS BACON, 

ANONYMOUS. 

Eauly one fine morning, as Terence OTleary was bard 
at work in bis potato-garden, he was accosted by his gossip, 
Mick Casey, who he perceived had his Sunday clothes on. 

" God's 'bud ! Terry, man, what would you be afther 
doing there wid them praties, an Phelim O'Loughlin's berrin' 
goin' to take place ? Come along, ma bochel ! sure the 
praties will wait. " 

"Och! no," sis Terry, "I must dig on this ridge for the 
childer's breakfast, an' thin I'm goin' to confession to Father 
O'Higgins, who holds a stashin beyont there at his own 
house." 

" Bother take the stashin ! " sis Mick, " sure that 'ud wait 
too." But Terence was not to be persuaded. 

Away went Mick to the berrin' ; and Terence, having fin- 
ished " wid the praties," as he said, went down to Father 
O'Higgins, where he was shown into the kitchen, to wait his 
turn for confession. He had not been long standing there, 
before the kitchen fire, when his attention was attracted by 
a nice piece of bacon, which hung in the chimney-corner. 
Terry looked at it again and again, and wished the cbilder 
" had it at homo wid the praties." 

" Murther alive!" says he, "will I take it? Sure the 
priest can spare it ; an' it would bo a rare thrate to Judy an' 
th(3 gossoons at home, to say nothin' iv myself, who hasn't 
tasted the likes this many's the day." Terry looked at it 



HOW PAT SAVED HIS BACON. 139 

again, and tlien turned away, saying — ** I won't take it — 
why would I, an' it not mine, but the priest's ? an' I'd have 
the sin iv it, sure! I won't take it," replied he, "an' it's 
nothin' but the Ould Boy himself that's timptin' me ! But 
sure it's no harm to feel it, any way," said he, taking it into 
his hand, and looking earnestly at it. " Ooh ! it's a beauty ; 
and why wouldn't I carry it home to Judy and the childer ? 
An' sure it won't be a sin afther I confesses it ! " 

"Well, into his great coat pocket he thrust it ; and he had 
scarcely done so, when the maid came in and told him that 
it was his turn for confession. 

" Murther alive ! I'm kilt and ruin'd, horse and foot, now, 
joy, Terry ; what'll I do in this quandary, at all, at all ? 
By gannies ! I must thry an' make the best of it, any how," 
says he to himself, and in he went. 

He knelt to the priest, told his sins, and was about to receive 
absolution, when all at once he seemed to recollect himself, 
and cried out — 

" Oh ! stop — stop. Father O'Higgins, dear I for goodness' 
sake, stop ! I have one great big sin to tell yit ; only sir, I'm 
frightened to tell id, in the regard of never having done the 
like afore, sur, niver ! " 

" Come," said Father O'Higgins. "you must tell it tome." 

" Why, then, your Eiverince, I will tell id ; but, sir, I'm 
ashamed like ? " 

" Oh, never mind ! tell it," said the priest. 

" Why, then, your Kiverince, I went out one day to a gin- 
tleman's house, upon a little bit of business, an' he bein' in- 
gaged, I was showed into the kitchen to wait. Well, sur, 
there I saw a beautiful bit iv bacon hanging in the chimbly- 
corner. I looked at id, your Hiverince, an' my teeth began 
to wather. I don't know how it v/as, sur, but I suppose the 
Divil timpted me, for I put it into my pocket ; but, if you 
plaize, sur, I'll give it to you," and he put his hand into his 
pocket. 

" Give it to me ! " said Father O'Higgins ; " no, certainly 
not ; give it back to the owner of it." 



140 COMIO RECITATIONS. 

"Why, tlien your Eiverince, sur, I offered id to him, and 
he wouldn't take id." • 

*' Oh ! he wouldn't, wouldn't he ? " said the priest ; " then 
take it home, and eat it yourself, with your family." 

" Thank your Riverince kindly ! " says Terence, " an' I'll 
do that same immediately, plaize God ; but first and fore- 
most, I'll have the absolution, if you plaize, sir." 

Terence received absolution, and went home rejoicing that 
he had been able to save his soul and his bacon at the same 
time. 



THE lEISH DEUMMEE. 

ANONYMOUS. 

A SOLDIER, SO at least the story goes, 

It was in Ireland I believe, 

Upon his back was sentenc'd to receive 
Five hundred cat-o'-nine-tail blows ; 
Most satjjely militar}' law providing, 
The hack alone shall suffer for backsliding. 
Whether his crime was great or small, 
Or whether there was any crime at all, 

Are facts which this deponent never knew; 
But though uncertain whether justly tried, 
The man he knows was to the halbert tied. 

And hopes his readers will believe so too. 
Suppose him, then, fast to the halberts bound, 
His poor companions standing silent round. 

Anticipating ev'ry dreadful smack ; 
While Patrick Donovan, from Wicklow county, 
Is just preparing to bestow his bounty. 

Or heat quick time upon his comrade's back. 
Of stoics much we read in tales of yore, 

Of Zeno, Possidonious, Epictetus, 
AVho, unconcerned, the greatest torments bore. 

Or else these ancient stories strangely cheat us. 
My hero was no stoic, it is plain : 

He could not suffer torments and bo dumb, 



MIKE hooter's bear STORY. 141 

But roared, before he felt the smallest pain, 

As though a rusty nail had p'.erc'd his thumb. 
Not louder is the terror spreading note, 
Which issues from the hungry lion's throat, 
When o'er Numidian plains in search of prey, 
He takes his cruel, his destroying way. 
The firtt two strokes, which made my hero bleat, 
Fell right across the confines of his seat, 
On which he piteously began to cry, 

'' Strike high ! strike high 1 for mercy's sake strike high ! " 
Pat, of a mild, obliging disposition. 
Could not refuse to grant liis friend's petition ; 
An Irishman has got a tender lieart. 
And never likes to act a cruel part ; 
Pat gave a good example to beholders, 
And the next stroke fell on his comrade's shoulders ! 
Our suffering hero now began to roar 
As loud, if not much louder, than before ; 
At which Pat lost all patience, and exclaim'd, 
While his Hibernian face with anger flam'd, 
" Perdition catch you ! — can't your tongue be still 7 
There is no plasing you, strike where one will % " 



MIKE HOOTEE'S BEAE STOEY. 

HALL. 

"It's no use talkin'," said Mike, "'bout your Polar Bar, 
and you Grizly Bar, and all that sorter varmint what you 
read about. They ain't nowhar, for the big black customer 
that circumlocutes down in our neck o' woods, beats 'em all 
hollow. I've heard of some monsus explites kicked up by 
the brown bars, sich as totein' off a yoke o' oxen, and eatiu' 
humans raw, and all that kind o' thing ; and Capten Parry 
tells us a yarn 'bout a big white bar, what 'muses hisself 
climin' up the North Pole and slides down to keep his hide 
warm ; but all that ain't a circumstance to what I've saw. 



142 COMIC KECITATIONS. 

*' You see," continued Mike, " there's no counting on 
them varmints as I'se been usened to, for they comes as near 
bein' human critters as anything I ever see what doesn^t 
talk. Why, if you was to hear anybody else tell 'bout the 
bar-fights I've had, you wouldn't b'leeve 'em, and if I 
wasn't a preacher, and could not lie none, I'd keep my fly- 
trap shot 'tell the day of judgment. 

*• I've heard folks say as how bars cannot think like other 
human critters, and that they does all the sly tricks what 
they does, from instink. Golly ! what a lie I You tell me 
one of 'em don't know when you've got a gun, and when 
you ain't ? Just wait a minit, an' my privit 'pinion is, when 
you've hearn me thro', you'll talk t'other side of your 
mouth. 

" You see, one day, long time ago, 'fore britches come in 
fashion, I made a 'pointment with Ike Hamberlin, the steam 
doctor, to go out next Sunday to see whether we couldn't 
kill a bar, for you know bacon was skace, and so was money, 
and them fellows down in Mechanicsburg wouldn't sell on 
tick, so we had to 'pend on the varmints for a livin'. 

" Speakin' of Mechanicsburg, the people down in that ar 
mud-hole ain't to be beat nowhere this side o' Christmas. 
I've hearn o' mean folks in my time, an' I've preached 'bout 
'em a few ; but ever sense that feller, Bonnel, sold me a pint 
of red-eye whiskey — an' half ov it backer juice — for a coon- 
skin, an' then guv me a brass picayune fur change, I've 
stopped talkin'. Why, that chap was closer than the bark 
on a hickory tree ; an' ef I hadn't hearn Parson Dilly say 
so, I'd av swore it wasn't er fac, he was cotch one day steal- 
in' acorns from a blind hog. Did you ever hear how that 
hoss-fly died ? Well, never mind. It was too bad to talk 
'bout, but heap too good for him. 

"■ But that ain't what I was spoutin' 'bout. As I was 
say in' afore, we had to 'pend on the varmints fur a livin'. 
Well, Ike Hamberlin, you see, was always sorter jubious o' 
me, kase I kilt more bar nor he did ; an', as I was sayin', I 
made a 'pointment with Ike to go out huntin'. Then, Ike, 



MIKE hooter's BEAPw STORY. 143 

he tliought he'd be kinder smart, and beat * Old Preach ' (as 
them Cole boys usen to call mc), so, as soon as day crack, 
he hollered up liis puppies, an' put ! I spied what he was 
'bout, for I hearn him laffin' to one o' his niggers 'bout it 
the night afore — so, I told my gal Sal to fill my jjrivate 
tickler full o' the old ' raw,' an' then fixed up an' tramped 
on arter him, but didn't take none o' my dogs. Ike hadn't 
got fur into the cane, 'fore the dogs they 'gan to whine an' 
turn up the har on ther backs ; an', bimeby, they all tucked 
tail, an' sorter sidled back to whar he was standin'. * Sick 
him ! ' says Ike, but the critters wouldn't hunt a lick. I 
soon diskivered what was the matter, for I kalkilated them 
curs o' his'n wasn't worth shucks in a bar fight — so, I 
know'd thar was bar 'bout, if I didn't see no sine. 

" Well, Ike he coaxed the dogs, an' the more he coaxed, 
the more they wouldn't go, an' when he found coaxin' 
wouldn't do, then he scolded and called 'em some of the 
hardest names ever you hearn, but the tarnation critters 
wouldn't budge a peg. When he found they wouldn't hunt 
no how he could fix it, he began cussin'. He didn't know I 
was thar. If he had er suspicioned it, he'd no more swore 
than he'd dar'd to kiss my Sal on er washin' day ; for you 
see both on us belonged to the same church, and Ike was 
class-leader. I thought I should er flummuxed ! The dogs 
tJit-y sidled back, an' Ike he cussed ; an' I lay down an' rolled 
an' laughed sorter easy to m.yself, 'till I was so full I thort 
I should er bust my biler ! I never see ennything so 
funny in all my life ! There was I layin' down behind 
er log, fit to split, an' there Avas the dogs with their tails 
the wrong eend down, an' there was Ike a rarin' an' er 
pitchin' — er rippin' an' er tarin' — an' er cussin' wus nor a 
steamboat cap'n ! I tell you it fairly made my har' stan' on 
eend ! I never see er customer so riled afore in all my born 
days ! The dogs, they smelt bar sine, an' wouldn't budge a 
peg, an' arter Ike had a'most cussed the bark oif'n a dog- 
wood saplin' by, he lent his old flint-lock rifle up agin it, 
and then he peeled off his old blanket an' laid her down, 



144 COMIO BECITATIONS. 

too. I diskivered mischief was er cumin', fur I never see a 
critter show rathy like he did. Torectly I see him walk 
down to the creek bottom, 'bout fifty yards from where his 
gun was, and then he 'gin pickin' up rocks an' slingin' um 
at the dogs like bringer ! Cracky ! didn't he link it into 
um ? It minded me of David whalin' Goliah, it did I If 
you'd er seed him, and hearn 'em holler, you'd er thought 
he'd er knocked the nigh sites off'n every mother's son of 
'em ! 

" But that ain't the fun yet. While Ike was er lammin' 
the dogs, I hearn the alfiredest crackin' in the cane, an' I 
looked up, an' thar was one of the eternalest whollopin' 
bars cummin' crack, crack, through the cane an' kerslesh 
over the creek, and stopped right plumb slap up whar Ike's 
gun was. Torectly he tuck hold er the old shooter, an' I 
thought I see him tinkerin' 'bout the lock, un' kinder whis- 
lin', and blowin' into it. I was 'stonished, I tell you, but I 
wanted to see Ike outdone so bad that I lay low and kep' 
dark, an' in about a minit Ike got done lickin' the dogs, an' 
went to git his gun. Jeemeny, criminy ! if you'd only bin 
whar I was ! I do think Ike was the maddest man that 
ever stuk an axe into a tree, for his har stuck right strait 
up, and his eyes glared like two dog- wood blossoms ! But 
the bar didn't seem to care shucks for him, for he jist sot 
the old rifle rite back agin the saplin', and Avalked on his 
hind legs jist like any human. Then, you see, I gin to git 
sorter jelus, and sez I to myself, ' Mister Bar,' sez I, * the place 
whar you's er stanin' ain't prezactly healthy, an' if you 
don't wabble off from that purty soon. Missis Bar will be a 
widder, by gum ! ' With that, Ike grabbed up old Missis 
Hifle, and tuk most perticular aim at him, and, by hokey, 
she snapx3ed ! ' Now,' sez I, * Mister Bar, go it, or he'll make 
bacon of you ! ' But the varmint didn't wink, but stood 
still as a post, with the thumb of his right paw on the eend 
of his smeller, and wiglin' his t'other fmger, thus : — {Mike ' 
went ihrou(jk loUh the gijratioii.) All this time, Ike, he stood 
thar like a fool, er snappin' and er snappin', an' the bar, he 



THE CIIITIC. 145 

lookmg kindvor quaro like, out er tlio corner o' liis eye, an' 
sorter iaffin' at him. Torectly I see Ike take down the olo 
shooter, and kinder kersamine the lock, an' when he done 
that, he laid her on his shoulder, and shook his fist at the 
bar, and walked toward home, an' the bar, he shuk his fist, 
an' went into the canebrake, and then I cum off." 

Here all the Yazoo boys expressed great anxiety to know 
the reason why Ike's gun didn't fire. 

'' Let's liker fust," said Mike, *' an' if you don't caterpillar, 
you can shoot me. Why you see," aoncluded he, "the long 
and short of it is this, that the bar in our neck o' woods has 
a little human in um, an' this feller know'd as much about 
a gun as I do 'bout preachin', so when Ike was lickin' the 
dogs, he jest bio wed all the powder outen the pan, an' to 
make all safe, he tuk the flint out too, and that's the way 
he wam't skeered when Ike was snappin' at him." 



THE OEITIO, 

SABGENT. 

Once on a time, the nightingale, whose singing 
Had with her praises set the forest ringing, 
Consented at a concert to appear : 
Of course her friends all flocked to hear, 
And with them many a critic, wide awake 
To pick a flaw, or carp at a mistake. 

She sang as only nightingales can sing ; 
And when she'd ended, 

There was a general cry of " Bravo ! splendid ! '' 
While she, poor thing. 

Abashed and fluttering, to her nost retreated, 

Quite terrified to be so warmly greeted. 

The turkeys gobbled their delight ; the geese, 
Who had been known to hiss at many a trial, 
That this was perfect, ventured no denial : 

It seemed as if the applause would never cease. 



146 COMIC EECITATIONS. 

But 'mong the critics on the ground, 

An ass was present, pompous and profound, 

Who said, — '•' My friends, I'll nut dispute the honor 

That you would do our little prima donna : 

Although her upper notes are very shrill, 

And she dedes all method in her trill. 

She has some talent, and, upon the whole, 

With study, may some cleverness attain. 

Then, her friends tell me, she's a virtuous soul j 

But— but— " 

'^ But " — growled the lion, '' by my mane, 
I never knew an ass, who did not strain 
To qualify a good thing wiih a but ! " 
*• Nay," said the gooso, approaching with a strut, 
" Don't interrupt him, sire ; pray let it pass ; 
The ass is honest, if he is an ass I " 

*' I was about," said Long Ear, ''to remark. 
That there is something lacking in her whistle ; 

Something magnetic, 

To waken cords and feelings sympathetic, 
And kindle in the breast a spark 
Like — like, for instance, a good juicy thistle.'' 

The assembly tittered, but the fox, with gravity 

Said, at the lion winking, 
"Our learned friend, with his accustomed suavity, 

Has given his opinion without shrinking ; 
But, to do justice to the nightingale, 

He should inform us, as no doubt he will, 
What sort of music 'tis, that does not fail 

His sensibilities to rouse and thrill." 

"Why," said the critic, with a look potential, 
And prickjng up his ears, delighted much 

At Reynard's tone and manner deferential, — 
"Why, sir, tho]-e's nothing can so deeply touch 

jr>/ feelings, and so carry we away. 
As a fine, mellow, ear-inspiring bray.'* 



MR. CAUDLE WANTS A LATCH-KEY. 147 

''I thought so," said tlie fox, without a pause, 

"As far as you're concerned, your judgment's true ; 

You do not like the nightingale, because 
The nightingale is not an ass like you ! '" 



ME. CAUDLE WANTS A ^^LATCH-KEY." 

JERIIOLD. 

On my word, Mr. Caudle, I think it a waste of time to 
come to bed at all now ! The cocks will be crowing in a 
minute. Keeping people up till past twelve. Oh yes ! 
you're tbought a man of very fine feelings out of doors, I 
dare say ! It's a pity you haven't a little feeling for those 
belonging to you at liome. A nice hour to keep people out 
of their beds I "Why did I sit up, then ? Because I chose 
to sit up — but tnat's my thanks. No, it's no use your talk- 
ing, Caudle ; I never toill let the girl sit up for you, and 
there's an end. "What do you say? Why does she sit up 
with me, then ? That's quite a different matter : you don't 
suppose I'm going to sit up alone, do you ? "What do you 
say ? What's the use of two sitting up ? That's my busi- 
ness. No, Caudle, it's no such thing. I donH sit up because 
I may have the pleasure of talking about it ; and you're an 
ungrateful, unfeeling creature, to say so. I sit up because I 
choose it ; and if you don't come home all the night long — 
and 'twill soon come to that, I've no doubt — still. Til never 
go to bed, so don't think it. 

Oh, yes ! the time runs away very pleasantly with you 
men at your clubs — selfish creatures ! You can laugh and 
sing, and tell stories, and never think of the clock ; never 
think there's such a person as a wife belonging to you. It's 
nothing to you that a poor woman's sitting up, and telling 
the minutes, and seeing all sorts of things in the fire ; and 
sometimes thinking that something dreadful has happened 
to you ; more fool she to care a straw about you ! This is 



148 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

all nothing. Oli, no ! wlien a woman's once marriod, slie's 
a slave, worse than a slave, and must bear it all ! 

And what you men can find to talk about I can't think ! 
Instead of a man sitting every night at home with his wife, 
and going to bed at a Christian hour, going to a club, to 
meet a set of people* who don't care a fig about him ; it's 
monstrous ! What do you say ? You only go once a week ? 
That's nothing at all to do with it ; you might as well go 
every night ; and I dare say you will soon. But if you do, 
you may get in as you can ; I won't sit up for you, I can 
tell you. 

My health's being destroyed night after night, and — oh, 
don't say it's only once a week ; I tell you, that's nothing 
to do with it — if you had any eyes, you would see how ill I 
am ; but you've no eyes for anybody belonging to you : oh; 
no ; your eyes are for people out of doors. It's very well 
for you to call me a foolish, aggravating woman ! I Lhould 
like to see the woman Avho'd sit up for you as I do. You 
don't want me to sit up ? Yes, yes, that's your thanks ; 
that's your gratitude ; I'm to ruin my health, and to bo 
abused for it. Nice principles you've got at that club, Mr. 
Caudle ! 

But there's one comfort — one great comfort ; it can't last 
long : I'm sinking ; I feel it, though I never say anything 
about it ; but I know my own feelings, and I say it can't 
last long. And then I should like to know who'll sit up for 
you 1 Then I should like to know how your second wife — 
what do you say ? You'll never be troubled with another ? 
Troubled, indeed ! I never troubled you. Caudle. No ; it's 
you who've troubled me ; and you know it ; though like a 
foolish woman, I've borne it all, and never said a word about 
it. But it can't last — that's one blessing . 

Oh, if a woman could only know what she'd have to suf- 
fer, before she was ifiarried ! Don't tell me you want to go 
to sleep ! If you Avant to go to sleep, you should coirie 
homo at proper hours ! It's time to get up, for what I i 
know, now. Shouldn't wonder if you hear the milk in ^yq 



MR. CAUDLE WANTS A LATCH-KEY. 149 

minutes — tlicro's the sparrows ui> already ; yes, I say the 
sparrows ; and, Caudle, you ought to blush to hear 'em. 
No, Mr. Caudle : it isri''t the wind whistling in the key-hole ; 
I'm not quite foolish, though you iniiy think so. I linovr 
wind from a sparrow 1 

Ha ! when I think what a man you were before we wcrv3 
married ! But you're now another person, quite an altered 
creature. But I suppose you're all alike ; I dare say, every 
poor woman's troubled and put upon, though I should hope 
not so much as I am. Indeed, 1 should hope not ! Going 
and staying out, and — 

What I You'll have a key ? Y/ill you ? Not while I'm 
alive, Mr. Caudle! I'm not going to bed with the door 
upon the latch, for you or the best man breathing. You 
won't have a latch ; you'll have a Chubb's lock ? Yfill you? 
I'll have no Chubb here, I can tell you. W^hat do you say ? 
You will have the lock put on to-morrow V Well, try it ; 
that's all I say. Caudle, try it. I won't let you put me in a 
passion ; but all I say is, try it. 

A respectable thing, that, for a married man to carry 
about with him — a street-door-key ! That tells a tale, I 
think. A nice thing for the father of a family ! A key I 
What 1 to let yourself in and out when you please ! To 
come in, like a thief in the middle of the night, instead of 
knocking at the door like a decent person ! Oh, don't tell 
me that you only want to prevent my sitting up. If I 
choose to sit up, what's that to you ? Some wives indeed, 
would make a noise about sitting up, but you've no reason 
to complain, goodness knows ! 

Well, upon my word, I've lived to hear something. Carry 
the street-door key about with you ! I've heard of such 
things with young good-for-nothing bachelors, with nobody 
to care what became of 'em ; but for a married man to leave 
his wife and children in a house with the door upon the 
! latch — don^t talk to me about the Chubb — a great deal you 
must care for us. Yes, it's very well for you to sny, that you 
only want the key for peace and quietness — what's it to you» 



150 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

if I like to sit up ? YouVe no business to complain ; it can't 
distress you. Now, it's no use your talking ; all I say is this, 
Caudle ; if you send a man to put on any lock here, I'll call 
in a policeman ; as I'm your married wife, I will. 

No, I think when a man comes to have the street-door 
key, the sooner he turns bachelor again the better. I'm sure 
Caudle, I don't want to be any clog upon you. Now, it's 
no use your telling me to hold my tongue, for I — What P I 
give you the headache, do I ? No, I don't, Caudle ; it's your 
club that gives you the headache; its your smoke, and 
your — well! if ever I knew such a man in all my life! 
there's no saying a word to you ! You go out, and treat 
yourself like an emperor, and come home at twelve at 
night, or any hour, for what I know, and then you threaten 
to have a key, and — and — and — - 



*'I did get to sleep at last," says Caudle, " amid the falling 
sentences of ' take children into a lodging' — * separate main- 
tenance' — * won^t be made a slave of — and so forth." 



HUMBUGGING A TOUEIST. 

PAULDING. 

Phil. Peters, a New Yorker^ lyersonating Mr. Bragg from Vicks- 

burg. 
Sam. Markham, a PhiladclpJdan. 
HusKissoN Hodgson, a Brummagem Beau and a Tourist. 

Phil. Tell me who is this pompous signer, swelling and 
strutting through the street. By his port and majesty, I 
should judge him to be the British Lion. 

Sam. Ay, that's his figure looming up the street. Shall 
we call him in as he comes this way, and bait the bull r* 

Phil. By all manner of moans. 



HUMBUGGING A TOURIST. 151 

Sam. "Well, first let mo give you a hint or too. I have 
told you what he is — he has forced his way into good society, 
nobody can tell how — can see nothing admirable in this 
country or its institutions, of course — but is eloquent on 
oysters. And now, Phil, you must play the " half-horse, 
half-alligator," for the nonce. Mind you give it to him in^ 
strong doses, and fear not overacting your part ; for the poor 
simpleton has such extraordinary notions of the "Western 
country, that he will swallow anything, however prepos- 
terous ; and it is a pity he should be disabused, he is so in- 
nocent in his belief. (Knocks at the icindow.) Ho, Hodgson, 
come in, and have a chat with us. {Turrung to Phil.) You 
are now Mr. Bragg, and lo ! the victim comes. [Enter HoDG- 
sox.) Mr. Hodgson, how are you, this morning? Allow me 
to introduce my friend, Mr. Bragg, of Yicksburg. (Phil 
turns away, icdh his hands hi his j'^ocJcets, and lohistles " Old Dan . 
Tucker.''^ Aside to HoDGSOX. ) He is, I assure you, a very 
pleasant fellow — an excellent specimen of the frank "Western 
man — and will be delighted to give you any information 
respecting the country, habits of the people, and so on. 

Hodgson, (in a cautious lohisper.) But are you sure he is 
not dangerous ? Has he no Bowie-knives, pistols, or any- 
thing of the kind about him ? 

Sam. {In the same tone.) Well — not more then the usual 
allowance — a " Planter's Protector," or so, perhaps or a 
sword-cane — nothing more. But how were you pleased, 
last night, at Mrs. Nogood's ? 

HoDG. Oh — Miss Garafeliaw was pausitively divoine ; she 
hung upon my aurm, and while I entertained her with the 
description of my ancestral halls — 

Sam. [Aside.) Conceited ass ! 

Phil. [Aside.) Pheugh! ancestral halls! his paternal 
cotton mills. Heaven save the mark ! 

HoDG. The words of love and mutual affection rising to 
our lips — 

Phil. [Aside hurriedly.) I must stop this, or Sam. will be 
frantic. [Walking quickly to tlie window.) 



152 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Sam. Why, Pliil — (excuse me, Mr. Bragg, for being so 
familiar) — what on earth is the row ? 

HoDG. (Aside.) What is — auh — the savage going to do 
now ? 

Phil. Why, may my boiler be eternally busted, if there 
isn't that are young lady I was keepin' company with yes- 
terday, a travelling along with another feller. But I'll be 
down upon him like an Arkansaw flood — I'll be into him 
like a Mississippi sawyer. Where are my pistols ? Whoo-oo- 
oo-oop ! 

HoDG. Oh, Mr. Bragg, for Heaven's sake ! in the name of 
m.ercy, don't, don't ! 

Sam. .Qh pshaw, Bragg, for our sakes now, stay and take 
a quiet julep, and defer your performances till afterwards. 

Phil. Waal, I suppose I mought as well, specially as I 
reckon he ain't of no account, any how. Iwill if you'll give 
us a chaw tobacca. 

Sam. (Rings the hell — Waitee, comes.) John, go across the 
way, and bring us some juleps, and a paper of tobacco. 
Don't stand there staring at me, but go — quick — fly — and 
be back in a theatrical minute. ' 

Phil, (To* Servant.) Mind — pigtail! [^:c/^ Servant. 

HoDG. {Aside ^(9 Sam.) But don't you think! — [He draws 
his hand across his throat.) 

Sam. (Li a whisper to Hodg.) Oh, no. I assure you we are 
perfectly safe ; he does not mean anything by it. (Juleps are 
hroi/ghi ; each hdps himself. Sam beckons to his Servant and 
whispers.) Now, John, whatever I order you to do when 
that stout gentleman is here/ do it as if it were the com- 
monest thing in the world. You understand me ! 

John. ( Grinning. ) Yes, sir ! [ Exit John. 

Hodg. (Sipping j?dep.) By Gemini, that's good. Are you 
aware, gents, that this is the finest thing in your country P 
People talk about you rivers, and all that sort of thing, and 
they call cotton your staple production, but for my pawt, I 
consider your julepa and your oysters to be the only things 
worthy of imitation. Fact iu, 'pon honor, I have some idea 



I 



HUMBUGGING A TOURIST. 153 



of taking a few oysters out to improve tlio breed in England. 
Oyster, gents, I may say — oysters are the only tilings which, 
redeem your country. 

Phil. Do you mean, Mr. What's-your-name, to insinuate 
that this here country, called the United States of Ameriky, 
requires anything to redeem its character, or any thing else ? 
if you do, may be I won't be into your eyes in less then no 
time, like a reeJ Kaintucky ^Doker a-rooting in the woods 

HoDG. {Covering- his eyes icith his hands.) Oh, no, no no ! 

Phil. Oh, waal, if you didn't mean nothin', Socrates 
Bragg is not the man to take offence at a trifle ; and I reck- 
on, besides, you ain't no great shakes. 

HoDG, [Aside.) " No great shakes " ! I must inquiawr if he 
means to insult me. {Aloud.) But Mr. Markham, I see no 
spit-boxes about your parlor here — auh — as I have been led 
to expect ! 

Sam. Oh, we have given them up, and expectorate in the 
French style into our pocket-handkerchiefs — those, at least, 
who have enjoyed the advantages of travelling in Europe. 

HoDG. Indeed! {Aside to ^X'^sL.) I would like to ask him 
{Poi^iting to Phil) about Bowie-knives and such things. 

Sam. {Aside to Hodg.) Well, do it. These Western fellows 
like to talk big. 

Hodg. {Turning to Phil.) May I inquiawr, Mr. Bragg, 
whethaw Bowie-knives are as common now in Cincinnati 
and the other frontier towns as they used to be ? ^ 

Phil. Moij yau inquire ? Do you mean to insult me, Mr. 
Hodgkins ? Are we not among gentlemen here ? Ain't we 
all plain spoken ? 

Hodg. I mean no offence, 'pon honor, 

Phil. 'Nuff said. Waal, as to Bowie-knives, sir, they're 
going out — 

Hodg. {Piously.) Thank Heaven ! 

Phil. [Pretending not to notice his exclamation.) And now, 
most use Bolen's six-barrelled revolving, self-cocking pistols, 
with a small sprinkle of a Bowie-knife on the end of them, 
in case of emergency ; though some prefer Colt's repeaters, 



154 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

just for tlie sake, I calculate, of being singular an J unoom- 
monlike. 

HoDG. Good Lord, have mercy upon us ! "VYhat a state 
of society ! But are these weapons publicly carried ? 

Phil. Oh, yes. We occasionally practise in the streets ; and 
if a little boy, or a stranger is once in a while found dead, 
why it's nobody's business, and the coroner's inquest brings 
in a verdict of " accidental death." 

HoDa. The infernal spirit of democracy ! Heaven defend 
me from such a country. But are rifles still in common 
use ? 

Phil. Rifles ? Why, what else should we use ? 

HoDG. Auh — I thought perhaps there might be a market 
there for double-barrelled guns ; and — auh — indeed, that is 
pawt — auh — of my business out here — to dispose of. Hum 
— hum — (Aside.) By Gemini, I came within an ace letting 
the cat out of the bag. 

Phil. Mr. Hodg— podge — 

HoDG. (Interrvptiiig him.) Hodgson, sir, if you please. 

Phil. Mr. Hodgson, then, take my advice, and, if you hope 
to escape with anything left of you, speak not in our Wes- 
tern country of a double-barrelled gun. We don't tolerate 
'em, sir. 

Hodg. Is it pawsible ? 

Phil. Yes, sir ; I ventured once to purchase one out of 
curiosity, and the excitement against it, sir, was so intense 
in my neighborhood, that I had to throw it into the Missis- 
sippi. I tried the infernal big-mouthed cretur once, and 
may I be eternally split up into firewood, sir, if the shot 
didn't come out just like a fog, and when it disappeared, all 
that T could find of my bird was the end of his bill. No> 
sir, the rifle is our weapon ; with that we can shoot anything' 
from buffalo down to an Englishman, or a sandpiper. 

Hodg. (Aside.) How he makes one shiver! Sandpipers 
with rifles ! Good Heavens ! the extravagance of these 
Western people is really awful. No wonder they are obliged 
to repudiate ; and there, by the way, is a hint for my book. 



HUMBUGGING A TOURIST. 155 

(Aloud.) But, Mr. Bragg, is tarring and feathering com- 
mon ? 

Phil. Law bless you, yes ! Why I myself was tarred and 
feathered once, and just becoss my bank bust up, and I 
couJd not pay my creditors. 

Sa:m. {Aside.) That's right, Phil; smite him on the hip, 
and spare not. 

HoDG. {In agitation.) What a land! what a land! But, 
Mr. Bragg, were you ever blown up ? 

Phil. Blown up, sir ! Warn't I raised on the Mississippi, 
and lived on steam since I was a babby ? "Why, you might 
as well ask me if I've been weaned. It's the commonest 
thing in natur. Blown up ? — more times than I can count 
up, sir ? 

HoDG. What, Mr. Bragg, were your sensations ? 

Phil. Why, sir, it is the pleasantest and most elevating 
feeling you can imagine. May I be scalped, sir, if it is not 
just like being kicked into chaos. Xo man, sir, knows 
what the sublimity of life is until he has had a biler bust 
under him. You may take my word for that, sir. And 
now, good morning, gentleman. (Phil rises to depart.) But 
before I go, I will tell you, sir {turns to HoDG.), a true and 
interesting story — if it isn't, may I be — well — about a burst 
up. 

Waal, sir, I was going up stream, one day, to St. Louis, 
and I had a horse on board — (a finer horse, by the way, sir, 
never trod turf. His name was Poanoke — my ancestors 
come from the Old Dominion, sir), and I sees that something 
was the matter with him, and a knowing hoss he was to 
smell out mischief. So I goes up, and says I, " Poanoke, 
what snag ha' you run against now 1" Do you want some 
feed, old boy r " says I. 

He shook his head. 

" Are you cold r " says I. 

Ho shook his head. 

*' Is the biler going to bust ? " says L 

He nods his head. 



156 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

" Eight straight? " says I. 
He nods his head again. 

I unties the halter as fast as I can, and I sings out " Gen- 
tlemen, I'll bet ten to one this boat's biler busts before sun- 
set." *' Done," and "done," shouts a dozen, when hang goes 
hoih bilers like a clap of thunder run mad. May I be scalped, 
sir, if I and my horse weren't the only creatures that escaped. 
So I lost all my bets, and was obliged to resolve myself 
into a committee, sir, in a cypress swamp, to exonerate the 
captain, engineer, hands, and biler from all blame, collect- 
ively and individually. I tell you what, sir, may I never 
taste Monongahela again, if I didn't get aboard the next 
up boat in a mighty thick rile. Good morning, gentlemen ! 

Sa:m. ( Winks toViiiJj.) Don't go yet, Bragg, sit down again, 
now, and tell us a little more about your parts. Mr. Hodgson 
is very much interested in that section of the country, and 
a stranger — 

Phil. Oh, waal, I'm always ready cocked to go off for a 
strangerh- information. 

HoDa. Thank you — auh — what sort of people have you 
out there ? 

Phil. Waal, we've got some a'most all kinds : Pukes^ 
"Wolverines, Snags, Hoosiers, Griddle-greasers, Buckeyes, 
Corn-crackers, Pot-soppers, Hard-heads, Hawkeyes, Eack- 
ensacks. Linsey-woolsey s, Bed-horses, Mud-heads, Green- 
horns, Canada-patriots, Loafers, Masons, Anti-masons, Mor- 
mons, and some few from the Jerseys, and other outside 
places of creation. 

HoDG. Heavens ! All savage tribes, I presume ; but I 
thought your government — auh — had removed all the In- 
dians beyond the Mississippi. 

Phil. No, sir ; there are still many savages this side the 
river. 

HoDG. AVhat is the average product of your lands, per 
acre, Mr. Bragg, in a good season ? 

Phil. Oh — of snakes, ten cords is considered a very fair 
yield, making two bushels of rattles, or more when threshed 



HUMBUGGING A TOURIST. 157 

out ; but that's according to the age of the reptiles — of 
mosquitoes, four bushels — of other vermin, six bushels is 
called a tolerable crop. 

HoDG. Good Lord ! Snakes by the cord ! But I mean 
corn and other grain. 

Phil. Stranger, in the West we never keep account of 
sich things. We save enough to eat, and feed our hogs, and 
send the rest to market; and if the rivers ain't dry, and 
the steamboats don't get snagged, run into, blown up, or 
seized by the sherifP, it gets there in the course of time and 
we presume is sold ; for that's the last we hear of it. 

HoDa. And you have no agents to attend to it when it 
arrives ? 

Phil. Oh — yes — we hires agents o' course. 

HoDG. And you never call on them to give account of 
their sales and receipts ? 

Phil. JSTo, s/?*, no — it would be as much as a man's life is 
worth to do so unpopular a thing. It's an unheard of no- 
tion, stranger — an obsolete idea. Nobody thinks of such a 
thing, except once in a while a mean feller, and he has to cut 
stick — quit our parts, sir, in short order, I reckon. Tramp's 
the word, and he emigrates, sir. 'Sides, there's the chance 
o' your agent's drawin' on you." 

HoDG. Drawing on you ? With funds of yours in his 
hands, auh ? 

Phil. Yes, sir — click ! And may be you find half an 
ounce o' lead lodged in your phrenological developments. 

IIODG. Shocking I 

Phil. Waal, jist to show you the workin' of the thing: 
you see we made Bill Toddy our agent — good fellow — fust 
rate chap — great on liquor. Now supposin' I goes to Nev/ 
Orleans, and says I to Bill, " Look here, young 'un, jist fork 
over that are change, will you ? " What do you think Bill 
does ? 

HoDG. AVhy, he takes out his ledger, balances his account, 
and pays you what he owes on your sales. 

Phil. That jist shows how much you know of human 



158 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

natur, Mr. Hodgeskin. Now I should calkerlate that Bill 
\YOuld naterally get Lis back up at that, and say — " Soc 
Bragg, you're a poor devil " — or, " Soc Bragg, you're a 
durned dropsical water-drinker " — or, '' Soc Bragg, you're 
everlastingly beneath, nay notice." And then, we'd have 
one of the awfulest musses that ever did take place in New 
Orleans. 

EoDG. Mr. Bragg, the state of society in your country is 
even more disorganized than I had supposed, 

PiiiL. Yes, sir-r-r, it can't be beat, as you say. Most 
people in furrin parts have every kind of amphibious ideas 
of our diggins. You don't know what a glorious place it is 
out West. It is of an entire different stripe from foggy 
England, where you have to drink port, and ale, and beer, 
and sich like onnateral tipple. It's another kind of streak, 
sir-r-r. 

HoDG. Auh — Mr. Bragg — auh — do you drink much malt 
liquor in your pawts ? auh — I have a brothow — auh — that 
is — yes — yaas — ■ 

Phil. Look here, stranger, why don't you speak as if you 
warn't afraid o' what you were sayin' instead of coughin' 
like an old steamboat — puff — auh — puff — auh ? Speak out 
like a ringed pig. 

HoDG. I merely ausked if you drank much malt liquor in 
your pawts. 

Phil. Do we drink sjpring water ? No sir ! we drink 
Tom and Jerry some — gin-cocktails putty considerably — 
but mostly stone fence bare-footed ! 

IIODG. Eh ! what ! bare-footed I I had no idea, I must 
confess, of the misery of this country. Dear me, I'll write 
a communication, when I get home, to some of the charit- 
able societies. No shoes! — not even moccasins ! {xiside.) It's 
a judgment on them for their oppression of their colored 
brethren. 

Phil. No shoes? What does the man mean, Mr. Mark- 
ham V 

Sam. I fancy Mr. Hodgson doesn't take your meaning. 



HUMBUGGING A TOURIST. 159 

Phil. That's it, eli ? I was afaid the stranger was jjoldn' 
fun at me — and then I'm dangerous. 

HoDG. Oh, no, no, no ! I assure you. 

Phil. Well, stranger, whar loas you raised ? I thought 
even a Yankee knew that " stone fence bare-footed " is the 
polite English for whiskey uncontaminated — pure, sir. 

HoDG. {Aside,) What — auh — a frightful patois they speak. 

Phil. {Aside to Sam.) Keep him on that track, Sam, and 
ril astonish him. 

Sam. I believe, however, Mr. Bragg, that some parts of 
the country are very poor indeed. 

Phil. Poor, sir ! It's considerably the richest country 
that ever was created. Why, I've seen many a tree it took 
a man and a boy to look to the top of. 

HoDG. That's a very singular circumstance. 

Phil. Pact, sir. 

Sam. But I mean, Mr. Bragg, that meat is sometimes 
very scarce. 

Phil. Oh, meat ! — yes. I was out one year in a log cabin, 
a little out of the common trail, and sometimes we didn't 
see a piece of meat for three months at a time, and lived 
perty much on sweet punkins. 

HoDG. Punkins ! Good Heavens ! This goes beyond 
anything I ever heard or read of before. They may talk 
about famine in India, and poverty in Ireland, but never can 
there be greater misery than this. But did you not become 
very weak under such a diet, Mr. Bragg ? 

Phil. Waal, sir, we fell off some, but were pretty nigh 
as strong as a ten-horse steam ingyne for all that. Why, 
stranger, my father that spring swum across the Big Satan, 
in a freshet, with a dead painter in his mouth, and a live alli- 
gator full splurge after him. It was a tight race, I tell you, 
and I (lid laugh, and no mistake, to see the old man puttin' 
out. The crittur just bit off the heel of his boot as he got 
ashore. He aid ! 

IToDG. Horrible ! A dead x^^^ii^^Gr between his teeth ! 
And how did he come by this untimely end ? 



160 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Phil. What, the painter? how should he? My father 
shot him, sir, and a most almighty good shot it was, or rm 
no judge. He took him sitting, sir, but — 

IlODa. [Tremhling.) And — and — what was the provocation, 
sir ? 

Phil. "Why, I rayther allow the animal was just takin' a 
sketch of him, and would have had him, sir. 

HoDG. Good Heavens ! Shoot a gentleman — an innocent, 
unoffending artist — 

Phil. Shoot a what ? I'm speakin' of a painter, sir. 

HoDG. And isn't a painter a fellow-Christian — a man as 
well as you ? hasn't he a soul to be saved ? 

Phil. Well, that ar' beats — a painter a Christian ! Why, 
sir, we consider them in our parfcs the worst kind o' heathen ! 

Sam. {Stifling a laugh.) I apprehend, Mr. Bragg, that 
Mr. Hodgson lies under an error ; he thinks you mean a 
man that paints — signs, you know, and portraits. 

Phil. No, now ? does he ? Well, I'm dirned if he ain't a 
greenhorn ! Why, mister, a painter's a wild animal — a 
catamount, sir — an exaggerated kind o' Bengal tiger I 

Sam. I fancy, too, that Mr. Hodgson misapprehends your 
account of the lack of meat. I dare say you had plenty of 
venison. 

Phil. Oh, yes — plenty of venison — no lack of vittels. 

HoDG. Yenison ! 

Sam. And wild turkeys, perhaps ? 

Phil. Wild turkeys ! oh, yes — all out doors are full of 
them ; 'sides 'coons, squirrels, beavers' tails, 'chucks, bear- 
metit, skunks, and other varmints. Lots of fodder we had, 
tluit arc a fact — but no meat I Tell you what, sir, it's pad- 
dling right up the stream in a canoe, to live without meat. 
The old man did grumble some, I tell you ! 

HoDG. What does the man mean? — Wild turkeys and 
venison — and no meat ? 

Sam. I believe I must explain for you, Mr. Hodgson. 
The term meat in the West is understood to apply solely to 
8alt pork. 



HUMBUGGING A TOURIST. 161 

HoDG. (Aside.) What a monstrous slang these savages 
speak ! It's impossible to understand it. (Aloud,) Have you 
any Englishmen out there ? 

Phil. Britishers ? — I tell you, sir, we have the scum of all 
creation in our parts. 

HoDG. Auh, auh ! auh — auh — what is the usual currency 
of that part of the country ? Auh — what do you pay your 
debts with ? 

Phil. Ha ! ha ! ha ! (Laughs.) Pay our debts with ? — that's 
a good joke — may be I won't tell that when I get home. 
We slope^ sir, absquatulate ! 

HoDG. (To Sam.) What does he mean? 

Sam. (To Hodg.) Hush !— don't press him on that point — 
it's dangerous ! 

Phil. As for our currency, it's rayther promiscuous, as I 
may say, jest now — mostly 'coon skins, howsomever. You see 
the Owl Creek, and the Wild Cat, and Sore Bear, and the 
Salt Piver, and the Alligator banks all went slam bang to 
eternal smash, and since then, it's ben very mixed. 

Sam. Didn't a certain bank, called the Big Piley Bubble, 
explode also ? 

Phil. Take care, Mr. Markham, I don't stand that, sir-r-r 
— I have a mighty pisen feelin' about that concern. 

HoDG. Why, Mr. Bragg, had you any interest — 

Phil. Stranger^ if you don't shet your m.outh a little closer 
than a Gulf clam, I'll fix your flint in short order. 

HoDG. Excuse me, Mr. er-Bragg ; didn't mean to offend, 
'pon honor. 

Phil. Sir-r-r, I was President of the Big Piley Bubble 
Bank. / was rode on a sharp rail — and if you allude to it 
again, may I be eternally condemned to be fireman to the 
slowest boat in all creation, if I don't scalp you in several 
seconds less than no time. We can do that, sir, whar I was 
raised. 

Hodg. I'm dumb — auh I 

Sam. Lethe shall be with me another name for the Big 
Eiley. 



162 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

HoDG. Have you any knowledge of the State of Arkansas, 
Mr. Bragg? 

Phil. IVe hen thar, I reckon — I lirve hunted all over 
them parts, almost clean out to the jumping off place of 
creation. 

HoDa. Auh — auh — do you know anything of E-amdown 
County ? Ah, auh — my fauther took some lands there for a 
debt about ten years ago, and I have some idea of — of going 
out there to examine the property. There are several flour- 
ishing villages upon it, as I perceive by the map I have 
of it. 

PiliL. Do I know Eamdown County ? I'd like to see the 
man would tell me I don't, that's all. I'm getting tired of 
a psaceful life. It makes me bilious! — (HoDG. eilga^ ciLCoy 
from fiim.) Ramdown County, sir, is an eternal bog — one of 
the ugliest, dirtiest, deepest, nastiest, cussedest swamps that 
ever was created. {Sukmjily.) Mr. Hodgkins, you had better 
venture into New Orleans in yeller fever time than show 
your face there. Why, sir, the only dry locations in it are 
taken up by the wust kind o' squatters — and if you escape, 
sir, the alligators, rattlesnakes, moccasins, bears, painters, 
quagmires, hurricanes, highwaymen, freshets, Inguns, and 
bilious fevers, you will be murdered by the settlers, and no 
m.i stake ! 

Sam. {Aside to Phil.) Phil, that is too bad ! 

HoDG What a dreadful picture ! But the towns — Oxford, 
Babylon, Sodom, Nineveh, Moscow? 

Phil. To/vn.% sir ! There isn't but one log cabin in the lot 
— at Sodom, sir — and that's a place even the boatmen didn't 
like to stop at. (In a solemn whis]>er.) It's a mortal unhealthy 
place for strangers — several have disappeared there ? 

HoDG. Dear ! dear ! dear ! catch me there ! But Moscow 
and the others ? 

Phil. Moscow is fifty feet above ordinary water mark, 
and only accessible in wet seasons — and has no inhabitants. 
Oxford is fifteen feet under water at all times, and death for 
fever and ague, besides being dreadfully infested with mos- 



HUMBUGGING A TOURIST. 163 

quitoes, alligators, and howling savages. Babylon was 
swallowed up some years ago by an earthquake ; and Nineveh 
was washed away by the Eed Eiver last spring, and it de- 
served to be swept off, sir, for I am credibly informed, there 
was nothing to drink in the place. What's the use of such 
poor places, but to be washed away ? Any more inquiries, 
stranger ? happy to give you information. 

HoDG. No, I thank you, sir — auh — I believe I v/on't go 
there. 

Phil. Stranger, I wouldn't. It's a powerful sickly country 
for people who ask too many questions, and ain't satisfied 
with what they get there — it goes against one's grain when 
we see a man stuck up, I tell you, and we let him know it 
quick. And now I'll cut dirt ! 

HoDa. (Producing a note booL) Allow me one — auh — mo- 
ment, Mr. Bragg — Have you any objection to my taking a 
note of this conversation for a — auh — a work I have in con- 
templation ? 

Sam. (Aside.) He bites, by all that is incredible. 

Phil. Why — Mr. Hodgson, it doesn't strike me as exactly 
the thing to take down a man's words in this way, but if 
you particularly desire it, durn me if I can refuse such a 
trifle. 

HoDG. I should, sir — auh — esteem it as a particular 
favaw. 

Phil. Then, sir, you have my permission. Good morn- 
ing, again. (Aside io Sam, who follows him to the door.) Didn't 
I throw a pretty good broadside into the Cockney ? 

Sam. Faith, you gave it to him like Stephen Decatur. 
And what do you think of the beast ? 

Phil. That you may safely warrant him at any cattle show 
as a genuine imported bull. \_Exit Phil. 

HoDG. (Aside, writing in his note hooh) All the Americans 
are shockingly profane. (Rising to taJce his leave.) An extraor- 
dinary man that, Mr. Markham. 

Sam. Very, in his way. There are many such beyond the 
mountains. 



164 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

HoDa. "Well — auh — Mr. Markham, good day. I must g6 
and commit this conversation to writing. [Exit Hodgson. 

Sam. There goes the model of a Cockney tourist in 
America. IBxit Sam. 



THE WIDOW'S VICTIM. 

An Ethiopian Interlude. 

Jenny — Tommy — Johnny. 

(^For Complete Stage Directions see jp age 64.) 

Enter Jenny, c. 

Jenny. There now, my missus is gone out, the cook is 
busy, and the laundress is ironing, and I, Jenny the cham- 
bermaid, having finished my day's work, can employ my 
time as I please ; and, as the old saying is, " When the cat's 
away the mice will play." 

I was to the theatre last night with my Tommy ; he be- 
longs to one of those Dramatic Associations, and he acts ; he 
says he's going to make an actress of me. My missus is 
greatly troubled by a countryman hangin' around here, and 
so she told me to send for my Tommy, to dress himself up 
and frighten the countryman away. I sent for him some 
time go, and I wonder what keeps him so long ? 

Tommy. {Outside, c, stumbles.) Curse that pail! 

Jenny, (l. h. c.) That's his voice. This way. Tommy ! 

Tommy. [Outside, c.) Lead me, lead me, ye virgins, to that 
kind voice. {Enters^ c, and embraces her.) Camille! 

Jenny. Armand ! 

Tommy. Camille ! Camille I Camille ! ^ 

Jenny. [Throws him off.) Armand, I've sworn to hate, to 
despise you ; but no, no ! I cannot ! ( They emhrace and walk 
to C. ) ! 

Tommy. Angels were painted fair to look like thee. Con- ; 
found it, I've almost broke m.y shin stumbling over that pail. 



THE widow's victim. 165 

Why is it, Jenny, you will leave pails standing around for 
people to fall over; but — 

My love, my life, ni}^ Yiolante, 

Have you got anything nice to eat in the pantry I 

Jenny. I've got some co-l-d goo-se. 

Tommy. Aha I ill-omened bird ! name it not, or I shall go 
into hiss-terics ; but what did you send for me for ? 

Jenny. Oh I I almost forgot, I'm so stage-struck. There's 
a countryman coming around here, bothering my mistress a 
great deal, and she can't get rid of him ; so she wants you 
to frighten him away. 

Tommy. Oh ! she wants me to get up a little play to 
frighten him away, does she ? 

Jenny. Yes. 

Tommy. I'm the very boy to do it ; don't you remember 
how nicely I played Claude Melnotte last Thursday night ? 

Jenny. Yes ; and how I wished I had been Pauline, for I 
know every word of the part ! 

Tommy. You do ! 

Jenny. Yes, sir, I do. 

Tommy. Then suppose while we're waiting for this old 
countryman we have a little bit of it. 

Jenny. All right ! 

Tommy. Do you recollect the last part of the third act ? 

Jenny. Yes. 

Tommy. All right ; get your posish. (Jenny goes to L. H. 0. 
and fixes dress.) "What are you doing that for F 

Jenny. That's my trail. 

Tommy. Oh ! Are you ready ? 

Jenny. Yes. 

Tommy. Then go it. 

Jenny. {Imitating some actress.) Claude, take me; thou 
canst not give me Avealth, station, titles, but thou canst 
give me a true and loving heart I will work for thee, toil 
for thee, bear with thee ; and never, never shall these lips 
reproach thee for the past. {TJiey embrace.) How's that, 
Tommy ? 



166 COMIO RECITATIONS. 

Tommy. That's bully ; tliat's a great deal better tbau 
Miss Fish done it the last time we saw her. 

Jexny. You don't raean Miss Fish, Tommy ; you mean 
Miss Heron. 

Tommy. Miss Heron ! well ain't herrin' fish ? of course 
they are — Yankee sardines. 'Now then, Jenny, it's my turn. 
Are you ready ? 

Jet^^ny. Yes. 

Tommy. Then look out. This is the heaviest blow of 
all— 

Jexny. "What blow ? 

Tommy. Why what you've jest bin blowin' about. What 
a heart I've wronged ! Farewell, mother ; I'll see thee again 
a better man than a prince. And thou — thou so fondly 
loved, so guiltily betrayed, all is not yet lost ; for if I live, the 
name of him thou hast once loved shall not rest dishonored ; 
but if I fall midst the roar and carnage of battle, my soul 
shall fly back to thee ; more — more would I speak to thee : 
to bless, to pray — but no, no ; farewell, farewell, farewell. 

As Tommy is going off c, Johnny enters and Tommy treads on his 

toe. 

Johnny. Oh ! oh ! right on my favorite corn ! 

Tommy. Peace, old man, I have a prior claim! 

Johnny. I didn't know that, sir. 

Tommy. I outbid you, sordid huckster, for this priceless 
jewel. There ! there's the sum twice told ; blush not to 
take it. [Throws purse.) 

Johnny. Nary a blush. {Puts purse in 2'^oclcet.) 

Tommy. There's not a coin but which has been bought in 
a nation's cause and with a soldier's blood. 

Jenny. Ah ! that voice ! it is — it is — 

Tommy. Thy husband. (Tkey embrace.) 

Johnny. I've made a mistake, and got into a lunatic asy- 
lum. (Pulls, out stocking for a handkerchief.) 

Jenny. (Aside to Tom^my.) That's him. 

Tommy. Is it ? what's the matter ? 



THE widow's victim. 167 

Jenny. He's like Othello when lago's been stuffin' him 
up. I'll frighten him. 

Tommy. Go it. 

Jenny. H-u-s-h — sh ! the handkerchief — the handkerchief. 
(S.'iatches stocking from Johnny.) — the handkerchief! {Goes 
off R. H.) 

Johnny. Here, young woman, you've got my handker- 
fitch ! 

Tommy. {Pulls Johnny to c.) Come here. Were you ever 
on the stage ? 

Johnny. Yes, I drove on de Knickerbocker once. 

Tommy. No, no 1 I mean the stage Shakespeare speaks of 
as holding the mirror up to nature. 

Johnny. Yes ; I've got one in my room seven by nine. 

Tommy. No, no ! I mean the same kind of a stage as you 
will find in a theatre. 

Johnny. Oh ! like the play actors have. 

Tommy. Yes. What kind of a voice have you got for 
tragedy ? 

Johnny. Oh, IVe got scrougin' ole voice fur tragedy. 

Tommy. Well, supposing I should step up to you, slap you 
on the shoulder, and call you a villain and a traitor to the 
State, what reply would you make ? 

Johnny. I should say that was very ungentlemanly lan- 
guage. 

Tommy. No, no ! you should say — Liar ! Now get over 
on that side. Are you ready ? 

Johnny. Yes, sir. 

Tommy. {Slapping him on the hack, ) Thou art a villain and 
a traitor to the State. 

Johnny. ( Very loto.) Liar ! 

Tommy. Oli ! that is the weakest lie I ever did hear ; come 
over here and call me a villain. 

Johnny. You're a willain and a traitor to de State. 

Tommy. L-i-a-r! 

■ 

Johnny, (r. h. c. frigJUencd.) I didn't mean it. 

Tommy. That's the way I Avanted you to speak to me. 



168 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Come here. {Goes to c.) Did you ever see any plays per- 
formed ? 

JoHWisrY Yes, sir. 

Tommy. What were they ? 

Joii^iS'Y. Macbeth, Toodles, and all dem fellers. 

Tommy. What do you think you could play in Macbeth ? 

Johnny. Lady Macbeth. 

Tommy. No ! that's a lady's part. We must play some- 
thing ; what'll it be ? 

Johnny. Let's play tag. 

Tommy, No, no ! we must play some piece. 

Johnny. Let's play on a piece of pie. 

Tommy. No, no I we must play some play as they do in a 
theatre. 

Johnny. Oh ! I see. 

Tommy. Let me see ; there's the Drunkard-, a good moral 
drama. 

Johnny. You wouldn't have to make up, your nose is so 
red. 

Tommy. No ; that won't do. I have it ; we'll play Damon 
and Pythias. I'll play Damon and you play Lucimicus. 

Johnny. All right. 

Tommy. What's the first word you say when you comes 
on the stage ? 

Johnny. Come on, Macduff^ 

Tommy. I see you don't know anything about the piece. 
You see I am Damon, and I've been arrested for knocking over 
a peanut stand, and put in the calaboose. I have a friend 
named Pythias, he says that he'll stop in jail while I go into 
the country and see my wife and child. 

Johnny. Yes, but you ain't got no wife ! 

Tommy. I only play that I've got a wife. 

Johnny. You'd better not, fur dey'U take you up for 
bugle-ary. 

Tommy. It's in the j^iece. I go into the country and take 
you with mo, but if I don't return at a certain hour", Pythias 
is excuted in my stead ; and while I am in the house, bid- 



THE widow's victim. 169 

ding my wife and child farewell, you are in the barn-yard, 
where you kill my hoss I 

JoiiXNY. But you ain't got any hoss ! 

Tommy. It's in the play ! 

JoHT^NY. Oh ! I see. 

Tommy. I come from the house and ask you for my horse, 
and you say, " Forgive me, master, I slew your horse ! " 

JOHIS'XY. That's my part, is it ? 

Tommy. Yes ; get over there ! 

Johnny. {Repeats his pari a 7iumber of times.) Forgive me, 
massa, I slew your hoss ! 

TOxMMY. Is that the way to stand ? you ought to tremble. 
(Johnny trembles.) That's it; keep that shake up. (Tommy 
goes off L,, and rushes on arjain.) 'Tis o'er, Lucimicus : bring 
thou forth my horse ! I've staid too long, and speed must 
leave the winds behind me. By all the gods, the sun is 
rushing down the West — 

Johnny. Let her rush. 

Tommy. Why dost thou stand there? bring thou forth 
my horse. 

Johnny. Golly, I've forgot my part ! 

Tommy. Slave ! 

Johnny. You call me a slave agin, and I'll bust you in 
the horn ! 

Tommy. Why didn't you say, " Forgive me, master, I slew 
your horse I " 

Johnny. I forgot all about it. 

Tommy. Try it once more. Where's that shake ? ( Qoes off 
as before.) Be swift of speech, as my heart is my horse, I 
say! 

Johnny. Forgive me, massa, I slew your donkey ! 

Tommy. Aha I I'm standing here — 

Johnny. So am I. 

Tommy. To see if the great gods will with their lightnings 
execute my prayer upon thee I But be thy punishment 
mine. I'll tear thee all to pieces ! Come ! 

Johnny. Where? 



170 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Tommy. To the eternal river of the dead ; the way is 
shorter than to Syracuse or Iltica. With one swing I'll throw 
thee to Tartarus, and follow after thee ! Come, Pythias' red 
ghost beckons me on. Come, craven ! come ! come ! ( Exit^ 
dragging JoHNNY off L. H. E.) 



JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE. 

The mule is half hoss, and half jackass, and then kums 
tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh 
more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except 
a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than 
the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes. You 
ken trust them with enny one whose life ain't worth enny 
more than the mule's. The only wa tu keep them into a 
paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them 
jump out. Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will 
du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on 
huck el-berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada 
thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible 
deludes tu them at tall. Tha sel for more mony than enny 
other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking 
into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican 
cannon's. Tha never hav no disease that a good club wont 
heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i 
never herd nobody sa " ded mule." Tha are like sum men, 
very korrupt at harte ; ive known them tu be good mules for 
6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sombody. I never 
owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is a United 
Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha 
are xja-^huiit, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I 
have seen eddika.ted mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and 
bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what lam forced tu sa again 
the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu 
blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, 



THE TINKER AND THE GLAZIER. 171 

ought to be exempt by law from running for tbe legislatur. 
Tha are the strangest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ac- 
kording tu their sise ; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from 
the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he 
touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the 
nex stash un, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the 
water about 2 feet 6 inches ; i didn't see this did, but an 
auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu 
lie unless it was absolutely convenient. 



THE TINKEE AND THE GLAZIEE. 

HARRISON. 

Since gratitude, 'tis said, is not o'er common, 

And friendly acts are pretty near as few, 
With high and low, with man, and eke with woman, 

With Turk, with Pagan, Christian, and with Jew ; 
We ougiit, at least, when'er we chance to find 

Of these rare qualities a slender sample, 
To show they may possess the human mind, 
And try the boasted influence of example. 
Who knows how far the novelty may charm 7 
At all events it cannot do much harm. 
The tale we give, then, and we need not fear, 
The moral, if there be one, will appear. 

Two thirsty souls met on a sultry day. 

One glazier Dick, the other Tom the tinker ; 
Both with light purses, but with spirits gay. 
And hard it were to name the sturdiest drinker. 
Their ale they quaff' d ; 
And as they swigg'd the nappy, 
They both agreed, 'tis said. 
That traie was wondrous dead, 
They joked, sung, laughed, 
And were completely happy. 

The landlord's eye, bright as his sparkling ale, 
Glisten'd to see them the brown pitcher hug ; 



172 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

For ev ry jest, and song, and merry tale, 

Had this blithe ending — •'•' Bring ns t'other mug ! '* 
Now Dick the glazier feels his bosom bm-n, 
To do his friend Tom Tinker a good turn ; 
And where the heart to friendship feels inclin'd, 
Occasion seldom loiters long behind. 
The kettle, gayly singing on the fire, 
Gives Dick a hint just to his heart's desire 5 
And, while to draw more ale the landlord goes, 
Dick in the ashes all the water throws ; 

Then puts tlie kettle on the fire again, 
And at the tinker winks, 
As '' Trade success ! " he drinks, 

Nor doubts the wish'd success Tom will obtain. 
Our landlord ne'er could such a toast withstand; 
So giving each kind customer a hand, 
His friendship too display'd, 
And drank — " Success to trade !" 
But, oh ! how pleasure vanish'd from his eye, 

How long and rueful his round visage grew, 
Soon as he saw the kettle bottom fly. 

Solder the only fluid he could view ' 
He raved, he caper'd, and he swore. 
And damn'd the kettle's body o'er and o'er. 
"Come, come," says Dick, " fetch us, my friend, m^te ale, 

All trade you know must live ; 
Let's drink — ' May trade with none of us e'er fail ! 

The job to Tom then give ; 
And, for the ale he drinks, my lad of metal, 
Take my word for it, soon will mend your kettle." 
The landlord yields ; but hopes 'tis no offence 
To curse the trade that thrives at liis expense. 
Tom undertakes the job ; to work he goes. 
And just concludes it with the evening's close. 
Souls so congenial had friends Tom and Dick, 

They might be fairly called brother and brother. 
Thought Tom, " To serve my friend I know a trick, 

And one good turn always deserves another." 
Out now he slily slips, 



THE TINKER AND THE GLAZIER. 173 

But not a word he said, 
The plot was in his head, 
And off he nimbly trips, 
Swift to the neighboring church his way he takes ; 
Nor in the dark, 
Misses his mark, 
But ev'ry pane of glass he quickly breaks 
But as he goes, 
His bosom glows, 
To think how great will be bis friend Dick's joy 
At getting so much excellent employ. 
Return'd, he beckoning draws his friend aside, 

Importance in his face. 
And, to Dick's ear his mouth applied, 

Thus briefly states the case : 
'' Dick, I may give you joy ; you're a made man ; 

I've done your business most complete, my friend : 
I'm off — the devil catch me, if he can — 

Each window of the church you've got to mend ; 
Ingratitude's worst curse on my head fall, 
If for your sake I have not broke them all." 
Tom, with surprise, sees Dick turn pale ; 
Who deeply sighs — '' Oh, la ! " 
Then drops his under jaw, 
And all his powers of utterance fail; 
While horror in his ghastly face. 
And bursting eye-balls, Tom can trace ; 
Whose sympathetic muscles, just and true, 
Share, with his heart, 
Dick's unknown smart, 
And two such phizzes ne'er met mortal view. 
At length friend Dick his speech regain'd, 
And soon the mystery explain'd- — 
'*' You have indeed my business done ! 
And I, as well as you, must run ; 
For, let me act the best I can, 
Tom, Tom, I am a ruined man ! 

Zounds, zounds ! this piece of friendship costs me dear ; 
I always mend church windows by the year ! " 



174 COMIC KECITATIONS. 



WONDEEFUL DEEAM. 

A NEGRO DIALOGUE. 

CHRISTY. 

Julius. Sam, did you eber go huntiii' in tlie winter time 
way out West ? 

Sam. No, Julius. 

Julius. Well, I have, Sam. 

Sam. You enjoyed yourself, I suppose ? 

Julius. Oh, yes. Ebery time I went I had lots ob fun, 
until de last time I went — den I had bad luck. 

Sam. How happened that F 

Julius. Well, you see da,r was two ob my neighbors 
come to me an' axed me fur to go huntin' wid ems, an' I said 
I would go. So we all got our tings ready to start, and I 
noticed de oder fellers had an extra game bag all filled wid 
somefin, and says I, *' Fellers, what you got dar ? " Dey 
said " Eatments ! " and would you believe it, Sam, I had 
forgot to get anyting ready fur to take wid me for to eat. 

Sam. That was a great oversight on your part. 

Julius. Yes ; but dey stopt to a hotel till I went back 
to my dwelling and got some provender, and I didn't know 
how much dey had, so I bought a loaf of bread extra, and 
hid it under my arm, and buttoned my coat ober it. 

Sam. Why, Julius, dey must have discovered it. 

Julius. Oh, no, Sam ; de place where my heart used to 
be before I got dis'pointed in lab, was big enuff to hide c\e 
bread. Well, Sam, we got way out in de wild wilderness, 
and arter we'd bin dar for free or four weeks, we found out 
dat our eatments wouldn't last. 

Sam. Then you was in a perdicament. 

Julius. No, we was in de woods. 

Sam. Well, what did you do ? 

Julius. I couldn't do nofin ; but I had my loaf ob bread, 
and, somehow or oder, dese fellers found out dat I had it, 
and dey was jealous. 



A NEW OCCASIOKAL ADDRESS. 175 

Sam. How did you manage ? did you divide it ? 

Julius. What, Sam ! divide a tree cent loaf twixt tree 
ob us ? — no sir. Any one ob us felt as if we could eat it 
widout chawin'. So I proposed dat we should all go to sleep, 
and de one dat dream de biggest dream should hab de loaf 
ob bread. 

Sam. What were the dreams ? 

Julius. One dreampt dat he seen a kettle dat was so big 
dat dey had to git a ladder seventeen thousand feet long fur 
to git into it, 

Sam. That was a large dream. 

Julius. Yes, but de oder feller beat him. 

Sam. What was his dream ? 

Julius, He got up and dreampt — 

Sam. Ko, no ; he dreamed — got up and told his dream. 

Julius. Yes ; dat's what I said ; he dreamed dat he seen 
a cabbage so big, dat it covered four thousand acres ob 
ground. 

Sam. That did beat the other dream, truly. 

Julius Yes, it did, Sam. 

Sam. What was your dream ? 

Julius. Well, Sam, I dreamed dat in de middle ob de 
night I got hungry, and eat up de bread, and my dream 
come true. 



A NEW OCCASIONAL A.DDEESS. 

FOR A lady's first APPEARANCE. 

SPOKEN BY MRS. JOHNSTONE. 

When the bleak winds in winter's hoary reijrn, 
Bind up the waters in his icy chain ; 
When round the pool village the youngsters meet, 
And try the frozen edge with tim'rous feet, 
The surface trembles and the crackling noise 
Cows with wide-spreading fear faint-liearted boys ; 
Whilst one more vent'rous than the rest appears, 
Glides to the centre, and assur'd it bears, 



176 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

Rais'd on his skates, the poHsh'd mirror skims, 

Nor dreads immersion deep, bruis'd bones, or broken limbs. 

Just such a vent'rer, trembling near the shore, 

Was I, when first I tried this surface o'er. 

AVith doubtful step, new to the sUppery stage, 

I anxious wished, yet dreaded, to engage. 

Hope smiled auspicious, and assurance gave — 

I should not meet a cold, o'erwhelming grave ; 

Then from the shore my puny bark I push'd, 

"Whilst your applause my loudest terrors hush'd, 

And to your candor trusting, still I glide. 

Safely my bark 'long the unruffled tide ; 

Your kind protection is the prosp'rous gale 

That speeds its voyage and extends its sail ; 

And whilst such f.iv'ring breezes happy blow, 

With all the aid indulgence can bestow, 

Be this her wished-for course — her grateful name, 

The Endeavor brig, bound for the port of Fame. 



AN OCCASIONAL PEOLOaUE. 

TO BE SPOKEN AT THE OPENING OF PEEFOKMANCE. 

The stoic's plan is futile, which requires 

Our wants supplied by lopping our desires. 

As well by this vague scheme might we propose, 

Cut off your feet, 'twill save the price of shoes. 

As well micrht we thus courting public favor, 

To gain your plaudits, lop off all endeavor. 

The thought we spurn: be it our constant aim 

By assiduity to gain a name, 

YoTir approbation points the road to fame ; 

Each effort use, nor e'er a moment pause, 

To reap that golden harvest — your applause. 

Sweet is the balm which hope's kind aid bestows, 

To lighten grief, or mitigate our woes ; 

To raise desponding merit, bain'sh fear ; 

And from the trembler wipe the falling tear ; 



PROLOGUE. 177 

To diffidence inspire, it's dread beguile, 

And doubt extinguish with a cheering smile ; 

That task be yours. My co-mates with some dread, 

Depute me here, their willing cause to plead ; 

Your fiat must our future fates control, 

For here, our chief has '' garner'd up his soul ;'* 

Eager to please, his throbbing heart beats high, 

By you depress'd, or swelled to ecstacy ; 

Then bid the phantom Fear at once depart, 

And rapture revel in his anxious heart. 



ADDEESS ON CLOSING A PEEFOEMANCE. 

As when on closing of a well-spent life, 

The parting husband views his faithful wife 

(For life itself is but a gaudy play, 

The flutt'ring phantom of a summer's day), 

With pleasing terror and with trembling haste, 

He recollects a thousand raptures past ; 

And though resign'd, and conscious that he must 

Delay to mingle with his kindred dust ; 

So T, while round these seats my sight I bend. 

And in each cordial eye behold a friend. 

From the fond Sowings of a grateful heart, 

Cannot refrain to ciy — Ah ! must we part 1 

Your minds, where conscious worth and goodness live, 

May paint the boundless thanks we wish to give, 

But it's beyond the power of words to tell. 

The debt we owe — the gratitude we feel. 



PEOLOGUE. 



FOR A PERFORMANCE BY BOYS. 

Dear friends, we thank you for your condescension, 

In deigning thus to lend us j^our attention ; 

And hope the various pieces we recite 

(Boys though we are) will yield you some delight. 



178 COMIC RECITATIONS. 

From wisdom and from knowledge, pleasure springs, 
Surpassing far the glaring pomp of kings : 
All outward splendor quickly dies away, 
But wisdom's honors never can decay. 

Blest is the man who treads her paths in youth, 

They lead to virtue, happiness and truth ; — 

Sages and patriots in these ways have trod, 

Saints have walked in them till they reached their God. 

The powers of eloquence can charm the soul, 
Inspire the virtuous, and the bad control ; 
Can rouse the passions, or their rage can still, 
And mould a stubborn mob to one man's will. 

Such powers the great Demosthenes attained, 
Who haughty Philip's conquering course restrained; 
Indiiinant thundering at his country's shame, 
Till every breast in Athens caught the flame. 

Such powers were Cicero's : — with patriot might 
He dragged the lurking treason forth to light, 
Which long had festered in the heart of Kome, 
And saved his country from her threatened doom. 

Nor to the senate or the bar confined, 
The pulpit shows its influence o'er the mind ; 
Such glorious deeds can eloquence achieve ; 
Such fame, such deathless laurels, it can give. 

Then say not this our weak attempt is vain. 
For frequent practice will perfection gain, 
The fear to s[)eak in public it destroys. 
And drives away the bashfulness of boys. 

Various the x>ieces we to-night repeat, 

And in them various excellences meet, 

Some rouse the soul — some gently soothe the ear, 

" From grave to gay, from lively to severe." 



EPILOGUE. 179 

We would 3'our kind indulgence then bespeak, 
For awkward manner, and for utterance weak, 
Our powers, indeed, are feeble; but our aim 
Is not to rival Greek or Roman fame. 

Our sole ambition aims at your applause. 

We are but young — let youth, then, plead our cause. 

And if your approbation be obtained, 

Our wish is answered, and our end is gained. 



EPILOGUE. 



FOR A SCHOOL PERFORMANCE. 



Our parts are perform'd and our speeches are ended, — 
We are monarchs, courtiers, and heroes no more ; 

To a much humbler station again we've descended, 

And are now but the school-boys you've known us before. 

Farewell then our greatness — 'tis gone like a dream, 
'Tis gone — but remembrance will often retrace 

The indulgent applause which rewarded each tlieme, 
And the heart-cheering smiles that enliven'd each face. 

We thank you ! — Our gratitude words cannot tell, 

But deeply we feel it — to you it belongs ; 
With heartfelt emotion we bid you farewell, 

And our feelings now thank you much more than our tongues. 

We will strive to improve, since applauses thus cheer us. 
That our juvenile efforts may gain your kind looks ; 

And we hope to convince you the next time you hear us, 
That praise has but sharpened our relish for books. 



180 COMIC RECITATIONS. 



FINALE. 

The pages that in Humor's train 

Have well performed their jolly function, 
Should not be parted with, 'tis plain, 

Without a little comic unction. 
And so our book, in which they've passed 

The reader's eye, in gay succession. 
Shall wind up with a joke, at last, 

In honor of the quaint procession : 
Why is this work like regions wild 

Of which our fox hunters are lovers? 
Because there is — to draw it mild — 

Most glorious sport within the covers ! 



DICK & FITZGERALD, 

PUBLISHERS, NEW YORK. 



%* The Publishers, upon receipt of the price, will send any of the following 
books by mail, postage free, to any part of the United States. In ordering' 
books, the full name, post office, county and State should be plainly written. 



Wilson's Eook of Recitations and Dialogues. With In- 
structions in Elocution and Declamation. Containing a choice selection of 
Poetical and Prose Recitations and Original Colloquies. Designed as a 
Reading Book for Classes, and as an Assistant to Teachers and Students in 
preparing Exhibitions. By Floyd B. Wilson, Professor of Elocution. 
This collection has been prepared with a special view to the development of 
the two cardinal principles of true Elocution— Voice and Action, and include 
a large proportion of Recitp.tions and Dialogues, which appear for the first 
time in this form. The Colloquies are entirely original. 

Paper covers. Price JT 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 CtS. 

Frost's Dialogues for Yonng Folks. A collection of Orig- 
inal Moral and Humorous Dialogues. Adapted to the use of School and 
Church Exhibitions, Family Gatherings, and Juvenile Celebrations on all 
Occasions. By S. A. Fkost, author of "Frost's Original Letter Writer," 
etc. This collection of Dialogues is just what has long been wanted— it 
contains a varietj^ that will suit every taste ; some of the subjects are hu- 
morous, some satirical, hitting at the follies of vice and fashion, while others 
are pathetic, and all are entertaining. A few of the Dialogues are long 
enoiigh to form a sort of little drama that will interest more advanced 
scholars, while short and easy ones abound for the use of quite young chil- 
dren. Most of the Dialogues introduce two or three characters only, but 
some require a greater number. The subjects chosen will, it is hoped, De 
found useful in conveying sound moral instruction as well as giving the oi^'- 
portunity to display memory and vivacity in rendering them. 

Paper covers. Price 30 ctS. 

Bound in boards, cloth back, side in colors 50 ct3. 

The Parlor Stage. A Collection of Drawing-Eoom Pro- 
verbs, Charades and Tableaux Vivants. By Miss S. A. Frost. The authoress 
of this attractive volume has performed her task with skill, talent, and we 
might say, with genius ; for the Acting Charades and Proverbs are really 
minor dramas of a high order of merit. There are twenty-four of them, and 
fourteen Tableaux, all of which are excellent. The characters are admirably 
drawn, well contrasted, and the plots and dialogues much better than those 
of many popular pieces performed at the public theatres. Any parlor with 
folding or sliding doors is suitable for their representation (or, if there are 
no sliding or folding doors, a temporary curtain will answer). The dresses 
are all those of modern society, and the scenery and properties can be easily 
provided from the resources of almost any family residence in town or coun- 
try. The book is elegantly got up, and we commend it heartily to young 
gentlemen and ladies who wish to beguile the long winter evenings with a 
species of amusement at once interesting, instructive and amusing. 
368 pages, small 8vo, cloth, gilt side and back, hoveled edges. Price. .§1 50. 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at tlie Prices annexed. 
Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque 

Orations. Also containing- Humorous Lectures, Ethiopian Dialogues, Plan- 
tation Scenes, Negro Farces and Burlesques, Laughable Interludes and Com- 
ic Recitations, interspersed with Dutch, Irish, French and Yankee Stories. 
Compiled and edited by John F. Scott. This book coirtains some of the 
best hits of the leading negro delineators of the present time, as well as 
Tuirth-provoking jokes and repartees of the most celebrated End-Men of the 
day, and specially designed for the introduction of fan in an eveninc's en- 
tertainment. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, illuminated 50 cts. 

Prost's Original Letter- Writer. A complete collection of 

Original Letters and Notes, upon every imaginable subject of Every-Day 
liife, with plain directions about everything connected with writing a letter. 
Containing Letters of Introduction, Letters on Business, Letters answering 
Advertisements, Letters of Pecommendation, Applications for Employment, 
Letters of Congratulation, of Condolence, of Friendship and Pelationship, 
Love Letters, Notes of Invitation, Notes Accompanying Gifts, Letters of 
Favor, of Advice, and Letters of Excuse, together with an appropriate 
answer to each. The whole embracing three hundred letters and notes. By 
S. A. FiiosT, author of " The Pa:^lor Stage,'' " Dialogues for Young Folks," 
etc. To which is a,dded a comprehensive Table of Synonyms alone worth 
double the price asked for the book. This work is not a rehash of English 
writers, but is entirely practical and original, and suited to the wants ot the 
American public. "VVe assure our readers that it is the best collection of 
letters ever published in this count^^ Bound in boards, cloth back, with 
illuminated sides. Price 50 cts. 

Inquire Within for Anything you Want to Know ; or, Over 

3,700 Fads for the People. " Inquire Within " is one of the most valuable 
and extraordinary volumes ever presented to the American public, and 
embodies nearly 4,000 facts, in most of which any person will find instruc- 
tion, aid and entertainment. It contains so many valuable recipes, that 
an enumeration of them requires seventy-tioo columns of fine type for the 
index. Illustrated. 436 large pages. Price SI 50 

The Sociable ; or, One Tkou&ancl and One lioine Am-us^emenU. 

Containing Acting Proverbs, Dramatic Charades, Acting Charades, Tableaux 
Vivants, Parlor Games and Parlor Magic, and a choice collection of Puzzles, 
etc., illustrated with nearly 300 Engraving-s and Diagrams, the whole being 
a fund of never-ending entertainment. By the author of the " Magician's 
Own Book." Nearly 400 pages, 12 mo. cloth, gilt side stamp. Price. .^150 

Martine's Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True Po- 
liteness. A comi)lete Manual for all those who desire to understand good 
bre'-diiig, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and vulgar 
liabits. Containing clear and compreiiensive directions for correct manners, 
conversation, dress, introductions, rules for good behavior at Dinner Parties 
and the table, with hints on wine and carving at the table ; together with 
Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room, Evenin;:; Parties, and the usages 
to be observed when visiting or receiving calls; deportment in the street 
and when travelling. To which is added the Etiquette of Courtshin and 

Marriage. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 ctS. 

Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 cts. 

Day's American Eeady-Eeckoner, containing Tables for 

rapid calculations of Aggregate Values, AVages, Salaries, Board, Interest 
Money, (fee, &c. Also, 'rabies of Timber, Plank, lioard and Dog Measure- 
ments, witli full explanations how to measure them, either by the square 
foot (board measure), cubic foot (timber measure), &c. Bound in boards. 

Price 50 Cts. 

Bor.M ^ i I eio b 75 cts- 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 

Spencer's Book of Comic Speeches and Humorous Recita- 
tions- A collection of Comic Speeches and Dialogues, Humorous Prose and 
Poetical Recitations, Laughable Dramatic Scenes and Burlesques, and Ec- 
centric Characteristic Soliloquies and Stories. Suitable tor School Exhibi- 
tions and Evening Entertainments. Edited by Albekt J. Spencer. Tnis 
is the best book of Comic Kecitations that has ever been published, and 
commands a large sale on account of its real merit. It is crammed full of 
Comic Poetry, Laughable Lectures, Irish and Dutch Stories, Yankee Yarns, 
Neg)-o Burlesques," Sliort Dramatic Scenes, Humorous Dialogues, and all 
kinds of Funny Speeches. 

Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts. 

Marache's Manual of Chess. Containing a description of 
the Board and the Pieces, Chess Notation, Technical Terms with diagrams 
illustrating them, Relative Value of the Pieces, Laws of the Game, General 
Observations on the Pieces, Preliminary Games for Beginners, Fifty Open- 
ings of Games, giving all the latest discoveries of Modern Masters, with 
best games and copious notes. Twenty Endings of Games, showing easiest 
ways of effecting Checkmate. Thirty-six ingenious Diagram Problems, 
and Sixteen curious Chess Stratagems. To which is added a Treatise on 
the Games of Backgammon, Russian Backgammon and Dominoes, the 
whole being one of the best Books for Beginners ever published. By N. 
Mahache, Chess Editor of " Wilkes' Spirit of the Times." 

Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 cts. 

Cloth, gilt side 75 cts! 

Martina's Sensible Letter Writer ; Being- a comprehensive 

and complete Guide and Assistant for those who desire to carry on Episto- 
lary Correspondence ; Containing a large collection of model letters, on the 
simplest matters of life, adapted to all ages and conditions, 

KJVIBE AGING, 



Leliers of Courtesy, Friendship and 
Affection ; 

Letters of Condolence and Sympatliy ; 

A Choice Collection of Love Letters, for 
Every Situation in a Courtship ; 

Notes of Ceremony, Familiar Invita- 
tions, etc., together with Notes of Ac- 
ceptance and Regret. 



Business Letters ; 

Applications for Employment, with 

Letters of Recommendation, and An- j 

swers to Advertisements : 
Letters between Parents and Children ; 
Letters of Friendly Counsel and Re- . 

monstrance ; 
Letters soliciting Advice, Assistance 

and Friendly Favors ; 
The whole containing 300 Sensible Letters and Notes. This is an invalua- 
ble book for those persons who have not had sufficient practice to enable 
them to write letters without great effort. It contains such a variety of 
letters, that models may be found to suit every subject. Bound m boards, 

with illuminated cover and cloth back, 207 pages. Price 50 cts. 

Bound in cloth 75 ctS. 

The Perfect Genthman. A book of Etiquette and Elo- 
quence. Containing Information and Instruction for those who desire to 
become brilliant or conspicuous in General Society, or at Parties, Dinners, 
or Popular Gatherings, etc. It gives directioin how to use wine at table, 
with Rules for judging the quality thereof. Rules for Carving, and a com- 
plete Etiquette of the Dinner Table. includinLr Dinner Speeches, Toasts 
and Sentiments, Wit and Conversation nt Table, etc. It has also an 
American Code of Etiquette and Politeness for all occasions. Model 
Speeches, with Directions how to deliver them. Duties of the Chairman 
at Public Meetinsrs. Forms of Preambles and Resolutions, etc. It is a 
handsomely bound and gilt volume of 335 images. 
I'lice tl 50 



Popular Books sont Free of Postage at the Prices annexed.^ 

Hillgrove's Ball-room Guide and Complete Dancing-mas- 
ter, Coulaining" a plain treatise on Etiquette and Deportment at Bails 
and Parties, with valuable hints on Dret^s and the Toilet, together wit h lull 
explanations of the Kudiments, Terms, figures and Steps used in Danc:i7ii,% 
including clear and precise instructions how to dance all kinds of Quatl- 
riiJes, Waltzes, Polkas, Redo was, Reels, Round, Plain and Fancy Dances, 
so that any person may learn them without the aid of a teacher ; to which 
is added, easy directions for calling out the Figures of every dance, and the 
amount of Music required for each. The whole illustrated with 176 de- 
scriptive engravings and diagrams. By Thomas Hillgrove, Professor oi 

• Dancing. 

Bound in cloth, with gilt side and back. Price gl 00 

Bound in boards, cloth back 75 ^ts. 

Wright's Book of 3,000 American Eeceipts ; or, Ught- 

House of Valuable Information. Containing over 3,000 Receij^ts in all the 
Dseful and Domestic Arts— including Cooking, Confectionery, Distilling, 
Perfumery, Ciicmicals, Varnishes, Dyeing, Agriculture, etc. Embracing 
valuable secrets tliat cannot be obtained from any other source. No exer- 
tion or expense has been spared to make this work as comjjrehensive and 
accurate as y)Ossible. Many Receipts will be found in it that have never 
betore appeared m print in this country. Some idea may be formed of its 
value in the latter respect, when it is stated that the compiler has been for 
many years cngagea in collecting rare and valuable Receipts from numer- 
ous languages besi'.les the English. This is by far the most valuable Ameri- 
can Receipt Book that has ever been published. 
12mo., cloth, 359 pages. Price gl 50 

The Modern Pocket Hoyle. Containing all tlie Games of 
Skill and Chance, as played in this country at the present time ; being an 
*' authority on all disputed points." By " Tkumps." This valuable manual 
is all original, or thoroughly revised, from the best and latest authmities, 
and includes the laws and complete directions for playing one hundred and 
eleven diherent ^^ames, comprising Card games, Chess, Checkers, Dominoes, 
Backgammon, Dice, Billiards, and all the Field Games. 388 pages. 

Pappr covers. Price ^ . 50 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 75 cts. 

Bound in cloth, gilt side and back SI 25 

Richardson's Monitor of Free-Masonry, A Complete 

Guide to the various Ceremonies and Routine in Free-Mason's Lodges, 
Chapters, Encampments, Hierarchies, etc., in all the Degrees, whether 
Modern, Ancient, Ineffable, Philosophical or Historical. Containing, also, 
the Signs, Tokens, Grips, Pass-words, Decorations, Drapery, Dress, Regalia 
and Jewels, m each Degree. Profusely illustrated with Explanatory En- 
gravings, Plans of the Interior of Lodges, etc. By Jabez Richai;dson, 
A. M. A book of 18.S pages. 

Bound in paper covers. Price 50 cts. 

Bound and gilt gl 00 

Rarey and Knowlson's Complete Horse-tamer and Far- 
rier. A New and Improved Edition, containing Mr. Rarey's whole Secret 
ot Subduing and Breaking Vicious Horses, together with his Imjjroved 
Plan ot Managing Young Colts, and breaking tliem to the Saddle, the 
Harness and the Sulky, with Rules tor select mg a good Horse, for Feeding 
Horses, etc. Also, The Completk FAiiKiEU ; or, Horse Doctor; a Guide 
for the Treatment of Horses in all Diseases to which that noble animal is 
liable, being the result ot fifty years' extensive practice of the author, 
John C. Knowlson, during Ids life an English Farrier of liigh ixjpularity, 
containing the latest discoveries in the Cure of Spavin. Illustrated with 
descriptive Engravings. 
Bound in boards, doth back. Price 50 cts* 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 

The American Home Cook Book. Containing several hun- 
dred excoUent r.ecipes. The whole based on many years' experience ot an 
American Hoa.scvviie. Iliu8tr;ited with Engravinj^s. Ail tlie Recipes in 
this book are vvriUon from actual experiments in Cooking, There are no 
copying's from theoretical cooking recipes. 

Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 Cts. 

Bound in pai^er covers. Price 30 ctS. 

Amateur Theatricals and Fairy-Tale Dramas. A collection 

of original plays, expressly designed for Drawing-room performance. By 
S. A. FiiosT. This work is designed to meet a want, which has been long 
felt, of short and amusing- pieces suitable to the limited stage of the private 
parlor. The old friends of fairy-land will be recognized among the Pairy- 
Tale Dramas, newly clothed and arranged. 

Paper covers. Price 30 ctS. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts. 

Parlor Tricks with Cards. Containing explanations of 

Tricks and Deceptions with Playing Cards, embracing Tricks with Cards 
performed by Sleight-of-hand, by the aid of Memory, Mental Calculation 
and Arrangement of the Cards, by the aid of Confederacy ; and Tricks 
performed by the aid of Prepared Cards. The whole illustrated and made 
plain and easy, with 70 engravings. This book is an abridgment of our 
large work, entitled " The Secret Out." 

Paper covers. Price 30 cts« 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 ctS* 

Chesterfield's Letter-writer and Complete Book of Eti- 

QUette 5 or, Concise f Systematic Directions for Arranging and Writing Letters. 
Also, Model Correspondence in Friendship and Business, and a great variety 
of Model Love Letters. This work is also a Complete Book of Etiquette. 
There is more real information in this book than in half a dozen volumes 
of the most expensive ones. 
Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 35 cts. 

Frank Converse's Complete Banjo Instructor. Without a 

Master. Containing a choice collection of Banjo Solos, Hornpipes, Eeels, 
Jigs, Walk Arounds, Songs, and Biinjo Stories, progressively arranged and 
plainly explained. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 cts. 

The Magician's Own Book. Containing several hundred 
amusing Sleight-of-hand and Card Tricks, Perplexing Puzzles, Entertain- 
ing Tricks and Secret Writing Explained. Illustrated with over 500 wood 
engravings. 12mo., cloth, gilt side and back stamp. Price SI 50 

North's Book of Love Letters. "With Directions Low to 

write and when to use them, and 120 specimen Letters, suitable for Lovers 
of any age and condition, and under all circumstances. Interspersed with 
the author's comments thereon. The whole forming a convenient hand- 
book of valuable inlormation and counsel for the use of those who need 
friendly guidance and advice m matters of Love, Courtship and Marriage. 
By Ingoldsby North. This book is recommended to all who are from any 
cause in doubt as to the manner in which they should write or reply to let- 
ters upon love and courtship. The reader will be aided in his thoughts— he 
will see where he is likely to please and where to displease, how to begin 
and how to end his letter, and how to judge of those nice sliades of expres- 
sion and feeling concerning which a few mistaken expressions may create 
misunderstanding. All who wish not only to copy a love letter, but to learn 
the art of writing them, will tind North's book a very pleasant, sensible and 
friendly companion. It is an additional recommendation that the variety 

ofi'ered is very large. Cloth. Price 75 cts. 

Bound in boards 50 ctS. 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 

The Parlor Magician ; or, One Hundred Trkh for the Draw- 
ing-Ronm, containing an Extensive and Miscellaneous Collection of Conjur- 
ing? and Legerdemain ; Sleights with Dice, Dominoes, Cards, Ribbons, 
Ring's, Fruit, Coin, Balls, Handkerchiefs, etc., all of whicii may be per- 
formed in the Parlor or Drawing--Room, without the aid of any apparatus ; 
also embracing" a choice variety of Curious Deceptions, which may be per- 
formed with the aid of simple apparatus ; the whole illustrated and clearly 

explained with 121 engravings. Paper Covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, witn cloth back 50 cts. 

Book of EMdbs and Five Hundred Home Amusements. 

Containing a Choice and Curious Collection of Riddles, Charades, Enigmas, 
Rebuses, Anagrams, Transpositions, Conundrums, Amusing Puzzles, Queer 
Sicights, Recreations in Arithmetic, Fireside Games and Natural Magic, 
embracing Entertaining Amusements m Magnetism, Chemistry, f^econd 
Sight and Simple Recreations in Science for Family and Social Pastime, il- 
lustrated with sixty Engravings. Paper covers. Price BO ctS. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 ctS. 

Book of Fireside Games. Containing an Explanation of the 
most Entertaininj Games suited to the Family Circle as a Recreation, such 
as Games of Action, Games which merely require attention. Games which 
require memory. Catch Games, which have for their objects Tricks or Mysti- 
fiCation, Games in which an opportunity is afforded to display Gallantry, 
Yvit, or some slight knowledge of certain Sciences, Amusing Forfeits, Fire- 
side Games for "Winter Evening Amusement, etc. 

Paper covers. Price 30 cts- 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts. 

Parlor Theatricals ; or, Winter Eoenivgs' Entertainment. Con- 
taining Acting Proverbs. Dra,matic Charades, Acting Charades, or Draw- 
ing-Room Pantomimes, Musical Burlesques, Tableaux Vivants, etc.; with 
Instructions for Amateurs ; how to Construct a Stage and Curtain ; how to 
get up Costumes and Properties; on the "Making up" of Characters; 
Exits and Entrances ; how to arrange Tableaux, etc. Illustrated with 

Engravings. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. 

The Book of 599 Clirions Puzzles. Containing^ a large col- 
lection of entertaining Paradoxes, Perplexing Deceptions in numbers, and 
Amusing Tricks in Geometry. By the author of *' The Sociable," " The Se- 
cret Out," " The Magician's Own Book." Illustrated with a great variety 
of Engravings. This book commands a large sale. It will furnish fun and 

amusement for a whole winter. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound m boards, with cloth back 50 cts. 

The above five books are compiled from the " Sociable " and " Magician's 

Own." 

The American Eoys' Book of Sports and Games. A Eeposi- 

tory of In and Out-Door Amusements for Boys and Youth. Illustrated 
with nearly 700 engravings, designed by White, llerrick, Wcir and Ilaivey, 
and engraved by N. Orr. This is, unquestionably, the most attractive and 
valuable book of its kind ever issued in this or any other country. It has 
been tliree years in preparation, and embraces all the sports and games that 
tend to develop the physical constitution, improve the mind and heart, and 
relieve the tedium of leisure hours, both in the parlor and the field. The 
Enjrravings are all in the finest style of art, and embrace eight full-page 
ornamental titles, illustrating the several departments of the work, beauti- 
ftdly printed on tinted paper. The book is issued in tho best style, being 
printed on fine sized y)aner, and handsomely bound. Extra cloth, gilt si^ie 

and back, extra gold. J-'rir;o $3 50 

Extra cloth, full gilt edges, back and side ^4 CO 



Popular Books sent Free of Postaga at the Prices annexed. 

Book of Household Pets. Containing valuable instructions 

about the Diseases, Breeding", Tndnmg- and Management of the Canary, 
Mocking- Bird, Brown Thrush, or Thrasher, and other bn^ds, and the rearing 
and management ot all kinds of Pigeons and Fancy Poultry, Rabbits, ^Squir- 
rels, Guinea Pig'-', White Mice, and Dogs ; together with a Comprehensive 
Treatise on the Princiijle and Management of the Salt and Presh Water 
Aquarium. Illustrated with 123 line wood-cuts. 

Bound in boards. Price 50 cts- 

Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 ctS- 

Athletic Sports for Boys. A Ecpository of Graceful Ee- 

ereationsfor Youth, containing clear and complete instructions in Gymnas- 
tics, Limb Exercises. Jumping, Pole Leaping, Dumb Bells, Indian Clubs, 
Parallel Cars, the Horizontal Bar, the Trapeze, the Suspended Popes, Skat- 
ing, Swimming, Bowing, Sailing, Horsemanship, Hiding, Driving, Angling, 
Fencing and Broadsword. The whole splendidly illustrated with 194 fine 
wood-ciits and diagrams. 

Bound m boards, with cloth back. Price 75 cts- 

Bound in cloth, gilt side SI 00 

The Play-Hoom; or, In-Door Games for Boys and Girls; in- 
cluding Round Games and Porfeits, Slate and Board Games ; also numerous 
Table and Toy Games, together with a large collection of Evening Amuse- 
ments, Comprehending Comic Diversions, Parlor Magic, Tricks with Cards, 
Scientific Recreations and Puzzles. Profusely illustrated with 197 fine wood 

. cuts. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 ctS. 

Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 CtS. 

The Play-Ground ; or, Out-Door Games for Boys. A Book of 

Healthy Recreations for Youth, containing over a hundred Amusements, 
including Games of Activity and Speed ; Games with Toys, Marbles, Tops, 
Hoops, Kites. Archery, Balls ; with Cricket, Croquet and Base-Ball. Hlus- 

trated Vvith 124 wood-cuts. Bound in boards. Price 50 ctS- 

Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 CtS. 

The above four books are abridged from the " American Boy's Book of 
Sports and Games." 

The Young' Reporter ; or, How to Write Sliort-IIand, A com- 
plete Phonographic Teacher, intended to afford thorough instruction to 
those who have not the assistance of an Oral Teacher. By the aid of this 
w^ork, any person of the most ordinary intelligence may learn to write Short- 
Hand, and Report Speeches and Sermons in a short time. Bound in boards, 
with cloth back. Price 50 ctS. 

Barton's Comic Eecitations and HnmGrons Dialogues. 

Containiug- a variety of Comic Recitations in Prose and Poetry, Amusing' 
■Dialogues, Burlesque Scenes, Eccentric Orations and Stump Speeches, Hu- 
morous Interludes and Laughable Farces. Desimied for School Commence- 
ments and Amatevr Theatricals. Edited by Jkkome Baiiton. This is tho 
best collection of Humorous pieces, especially adapted to the parlor stage, 

that has ever been published. Illuminated paper cover. Price 30 ctS- 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 CtS. 

The Secret Out ; or, One Thousand Trlds with Cards, and 
oiher Eecreah'nvs. Illustrated with over Three Hundred Engraving:s. A 
book which explains ail the Tricks and Deceptions with Playing Cards ever 
known, and gives, besides, a great many new ones — the whole being de- 
scribed so carefully, with engravings to illustraf g them, that anybody can 
easily learn how to perform them. This work also contains 240 of the best 
Tricks in Legerdemain, in addition to the card tricks. 12mo., 400 pages, 
bound in cloth, with gilt bide and back. Price ' Si 50 



Popular Sooks sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 
Duncans Masonic Ritual and Monitor; or, Ouide to the 

Three Symbolic Degrees of the Ancient York Rite, Entered Apprentice, FeVunv 
Craft, and Mai^'rr Mason. And to the Degrees of Mark Master, Past Mas- 
ter,' Most Excellent Master, and the Eoyal Arch. By Malcom C. Duncan. 
Explained and Interpreted by copious Notes and numerous Engravincrs. 
It is not so much the design of the author to gratify the curiosity of tiie 
uninitiated, as to furnish a Guide to the Younger Members of the Order, 
by means of which their progress from grade to grade may be facilitated. 
It is a well-known fact that comparatively tew of the fraternity are " Bright 
Masons," but with the aid ot this invaluable Masonic Companion any Ma- 
son can, in a short time, become qualified to take the Chair as Master of a 
Lodge. Nothing is omitted in it that may tend to impart a full under- 
standing of the principles of Masonry. This is a valuable book for the 
Fraternity, containing, as it does, the Modern " Wokk" of the order. No 
Mason should be without it. It is entirely different from, any other Ma- 
sonic book heretofore published. 

Bound m cloth. Price ^2 50 

Leather tucks (Pocket-book Style), with gilt edges. Price 3 00 

*' Trumps' " American Hoyle ; or, Gentleman's Hand-book of 

Gam^.s. Containing clear and complete descriptions of all the Games played 
in the United States, with the American Rules for playing them ; including 
Whist, Euchre, Bezique, Cribbage, All-Fours, Loo, Poker, Brag, Piquet, 
Ecarte, Boston, Cassino, Chess, Checkers, Backgammon, Dominoes, Bil- 
liards, and a hundred other Games. This work is designed to be an Ameri- 
can authority in all games of skill and chance, and will settle any disputed 
point. It has been prepared with groat care by the editor, with the assist- 
ance of a number of gentlemen players of skill and ability, and is not a 
re-hash of English Games, but a live American book, expressly prepared 
lor American readers. The American Hoyle contains 525 pages, is printed 
on fine white paper, bound in cloth, with beveled boards, and is profusely 
illustrated with engravings explaining the diii'erent Games. 
Price S2 00 

Brisbane's Golden Eeady E^eckoner. Calculated in Dollars 

and Cents, being a useful Assistant to Traders in buying and selling vari- 
ous commodities, either wholesale or retail, showing at once the amount or 
value of any number of articles, or quantity of goods, or any merchandise, 
either by the gallon, quart, pint, ounce, pound, quarter, hundred, yard, 
loot, inch, bushel, etc., in an easy and plain manner. To which are added 
Interest Tables, calculated in dollars and cents, for days and for months, at 
six per cent, and at seven per cent, per annum, alternately ; and a great 
number of otlier Tables and Pv-ules for calculation never before in print. 
By William D. Brisbane, A. M., Accountant, Book-keeper, etc. 
Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 35 Cts. 

The Indian Club Exercise. Witli explanatory figures and 

positions, photographed from life ; also, general remarks on Physical Cul- 
ture. lUastrated with x)ortraitures of celebrated athletes, exhibiting great 
muscular development from the Club Exercise, engraved from photographs, 
expressly for this work. By Sim. D. Kehoe. 
Quarto, cloth. Price $2 50 

Live and Learn. A Guide for all who wish to Speak and 
Write correctly. Containing examples of one thousand mistakes of daily 
occurrence, in speaking, writing and pronunciation. 
2iG pages, cloth, small octavo. Price 75 CtS- 

Mrs. Crowen's American Lady's Cookery Book. Contain- 
ing over 1,200 original roceii^.ts lor preparing and cooking all kinds of dishes. 
The most poi)ular Cool: Book ever published. 
12mo., cloth, 474 pages $2 00 



Popular BDoks sent Pree of Postage at the Prices annexed. 
Martine's Letter- writer and Etiquette Combined. For the 

USE of Ladies a.nd Gentlemen. 12mo., cloth, gilt side and Lack. A great 
many books have been ^irinted on the subject of etiquette and con-ect be- 
havior in society, but none of them are sutficiently comprehensive and 
matter-of-fact enoug-h to suit the class of i3eople m ho may be called new 
beginners in fashionable life. This book is entn-ely ditferent from others in 
that respect. It explains in a plain, common-sense way, precisely how to 
conduct yourself in every position in society. This book also contains over 
300 sensible letters and notes suitable to every occasion in life, and is prob- 
ably the best treatise on Letter-writing that has ever been printed. It 
gives easily understood directions, that are brief and to the point. It has 
some excellent model letters of friendship and business, and its model Love 
Letters are unequaled. If any lady or gentleman desires to know how to 
hcgin a love correspondence, this is just the book they want. This volume 
contains the same matter as -'Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette" and 
" Martine's Sensible Letter- writer," and, in fact, combines those two books 
bound together in one substantial volume of 373 pages SI 50 

IIors9-taming by a New Method. As Practised by J. S. 

Rarey. a New and Improved Edition, containing Mr. Rarey's whole Se- 
cret of Subduing and Breaking Yicious Horses, together with his improved 
Plan of Managing Young Colts, and Breaking them to the Saddle, to 
Harness and the Sulky, with ten Engravings illustrating the process. 
Every person who keeps a horse should buy this book. It costs but a trifle, 
and you will positively find it an excellent guide in the management of that 
noble animal. This is a very handsome book of 64 pages. 
Price 12ctS. 

Knowlson's Farrier, and Complete Horse Doctor. We have 

printed a new and revised edition of this celebrated book, which contains 
Knowlson's famous Recipe for the Cure of Spavin, and other new matter. 
It is positively the best book of the kind ever written. "We sell it cheap, 
because of the immense demand for it. The farmers and horse keepers like 
it because it gives them plain, common-sense directions how to manage 
their horses. We sell our new edition (64 pages, 18mo) cheap. 
Price , 12 cts. 

The Art of Conversation. With remarks on Fashion and 

Address. By Mrs. Maberly. This is the best book on the subject ever 
published. It contains nothing that is verbose or diiSicult to understand, 
but all the instructions and rules for conversation are given in a plain and 
common-sense manner, so that any one, however dull, can easily compre- 
hend them. 64 pages octavo, large. Price • • -25 CtS. 

Charley White's Joke Book. Being a perfect Casket of 

Pun, the first and only work of the kind ever published. Containing a full 
expose of all the most laughable Jokes, Witticisms, etc., as told by the 
celebrated Ethiopian Comedian, Chakles White. 94 pages. 
Price : 12 cts. 

Black Wit and Earkey Conversations. By Charles 

White. Containing a large collection of laughable Anecdotes, Jokes, 

Stories, Witticisms, and Darkev Conversations. 

Price : 12 cts. 

The Nightingale Song'Ster ; oi\ Lyrics of Love. Containing 
104 Choice Sentimental Songs. Bound in boards, with cloth back, and 
illustrated cover. Price V 50 cts. 

The Emerald ; or, Boole of Lnsh Melodies. Containing a 
Choice Collection of Irish, Comic, and Sentimental Songs. 
Bound in boards, cloth back, and illustrated cover. Price 50 cts. 



Popular Books sent Tree of Postage at tlio Pricas annexed. 
The Book of 1,000 Comical Stories ; or. Endless Jlepast of 

Fun. A rich banquet for every da.y in the year, with several courses and a 
dessert. BILL OF FAilE : Comprising Tales of Humor, Laughable An- 
ecdotes, Irresistible Drolleries, Jovial Jokes, Comical Conceits, Puns and 
Pickings, Quibbles and Queries, Bon Mots and Broadgrins, Oddities, Epi- 
grams, etc. Appropriately Illustrated with 300 Comic Engravings. By 
the author of " Mrs. Partington's Cari^et-bag of Fun." 
Large 12mo., cloth. Price ^1 50 

Mrs. Partington's Carp8t-ba^ of Fun. A collection of 

over one thousand of the most Comical Stories, Amusing Aflventures, Ride- 
splitting Jokes, Cheek-extending Poetry, Funny Conundrums, QIJEEll 
SAYING^^ OF MRS. PARTINGTON, Heart-rending Puns, Witty Repar- 
tees, etc. The whole illustrated by about 150 comic wood-cuts. 

12mo., 300 pages, cloth, gilt. Price ^1 25 

Ornamented paper covers 75 cts. 

How to Behave ; or, The Sjnrit of Etiquette, A Completo 
Guide to Polite Society, for Ladies and Gentlemen ; containing rules lor 
good behavior at the dinner table, in tlie parlor, and in the street ; with 
important hints on introauction, conversation, etc. 
Price 12 cts. 

Dr. Valentine's Comic Hetaniorplioses. Being the second 

series of Dr. Valentine's Lectures, ■with"Characters, as given by the late 
Yankee Hill. Embellished with numerous portraits. 

Ornamental paper cover. Price 75 cts. 

Cloth, gilt %l 25 

Broad Grins of the Laughing' Philosopher. Being a Col- 
lection of Funny Jokes, Droll Incidents, and Ludicrous pictures. By 
Pickle the YoungePw This book is really a good one. It is full of the 
drollest incidents imaginable, interspersed with good jokes, quaint sayings, 
and funny pictures. Price 13 ctS. 

The Knapsack Full of Fim; or, One Thommid Rations of 

Laughter. Illustrated with over 500 comical Engravings, and containing 
over one thousand Jokes and Funny Stories. By Doesticks and other 
•witty writers. Large quarto. Price 30 CtS. 

The Plate of Chowder; A Dhh for Funvy Fidlows. Apyjro- 

priately illustrated with 100 Comic Engravings. By the author of "Mrs. 

Partington's Carpet-bag of Fun." 

12mo., paper cover. Price , 25 cts. 

Hov/ to Talk and Debate; or, Fluency of Speech Attained 
wifhout the Sacrifice of Elegance and Sense. 
Price 12 cts. 

How to Dress with Taste. Containin<^ Hints on the har- 
mony of colors, the theory of contrast, the complexion, shape or height. 
Price 12 cts- 

How to Cut and Contrive Children's Clothes at a Small 

Cost. "With numerous and explanatory engravings. Price 12 ctS. 

The Youn^^ Housekeeper's Book; or, IIoio to Have a Good 

Living upon a Small Income. Price 12 ctSi 

The Chairman and Speaker's Guide ; or, Rules for the Or-^ 

derly Conduct of Public Meetings. Price 12 CtS 



Popular Book3 sent Frae of Postage at ti3 Prices annexed. 
Dr. Yaientine's Comic Lectures ; or, Morsels of Mirth for the 

Mdancholy. A budget ol" Wit and Humor, and a certain cure lor the blues 
and all other serious complaints. Comprising Comic Lectures on Heads, 
Faces, Noses, Mouths, Animal Magnetism, etc., with Specimens of Elo- 
quence, Transactions of Learned Societies, Delineations of Eccentric ( har- 
acters, Comic Songs, etc. By Dr. "W. Valentine, the favorite Delineator 
of Eccentric Characters. Illustrated with twelve portraits of Dr. ^' alen- 
tine, in his most celebrated characters. 

12mo., cloth, gilt. Price ?:1 25 

Ornamental paper cover. Price 75 Cts. 

The Poet's Companion; A Dictionary of all Alloicable FJiymts 
in the English LavQuage. This is a book to aid aspiring genius in the Com- 
position of Rhymes, and in Poetical Effusions generally. It gives the Per- 
fect, the Imperfect, and the Allowable Phymes, and will enable you to 
ascertain, to a certainty, whether any words can be mated. It is invaluable 
to any one who desires to court the 'muses, and is used by some of the best 
writers in the country. Price 25 Cts. 

Ladies' Guide to Crochet. By Mrs. Axx S. Stephens. 

Copiously illustrated with original and very choice designs in Crochet, etc., 
printed in colors, separate from the letter-press, on tinted paper. Also 
with numerous wood-cuts, printed with the letter-press, explanatory of 
terms, etc. Bound in extra cloth, gilt. , This is by far the best work on 
the subject of Crochet ever published. 
Price SI 25 

Chips from XIr.cle Sam's Jack Knife. Illustrated Avith 

over one hundred Comical Engravings, and comprising a collection of over 
five hundred Laughable Stories, Funny Adventures, Comic Poetry, Queer 
Conundrums, Terrific Puns, Witty Sayings, Sublime Jokes, and ^-entimen- 
tal Sentences. The whole being a most perfect portfolio for those who love 
to laugh. Large octavo. Price 25 CtS. 

Eox's Ethiopian Comicalities. Containing Strange Say- 
ings, Eccentric Doings, Burlesque Speeches, Laughable Drolleries, Eunny 
Stories, interspersed with Pefined Wit, Broad Humor, and Cutting Sar- 
casm, copied verbatim, as recited by the celebrated Ethiopian Comedian. 
With several Comic Illustrations. Price 12 cts. 

Mind Your Stops. Punctuation made plain, and Compo- 
sition simplified for Headers, Writers and Talkers. This little book is 
worth ten times the price asked for it, and will teach accurately in every- 
thing, from the diction of a friendly letter to the composition of a learned 
treatise. Price 12 cts. 

Hard Words Made Easy. Eules for Pronunciation and 

Accent; with instructions how to pronounce Erench, Italian. German, 
Danish, Dutch, Swedish, Norwegian, and other foreign names. A capital 
work. Price 12 cts. 

Bridal Etiquette ; A Sensible Guide to the Etiquette and 

Observances of the Marriage Ceremonies ; containing complete directions 
for Bridal Receptions, and the necessary rules for bridesmaids, groomsmen, 
sending cards, etc. Price 12 cts« 

The Universal Book of Songs. Comprising a choice col- 
lection of 400 new Sentimental, Scotch, Irish, Ethiopian and Comic Songs. 
12mo., cloth, gilt. Price $1 25 

How to be Healthy ; Being a Complete Guide to Long 
Life, By a Retired Physician. Price 12 ctS. 



Popular Books sent Free oi Postage at tlie Prices annexed. 
The Finger -post to Public Business. Containing tlie 

modo of formmg- and conducting Societies, Clubs, and other Organized 
Associations ; lull llules of Order for ttie government of tiieir debates and 
business ; Models of Constitutions, for Lyceums, Institutes, and other So- 
cieties. With rules of Cricket, Base-ball, Shinny, Quoits, Yachting' and 
Eowing, and Instructions concerning Incorporations. Hints about Libra- 
ries and Museums, with a Catalogue of desirable Books, and a List of 
American Coins ; and Rules for the collection and preservation of books, 
MSS., and objects of Curiosity. Rules for Debating, and a selection of 
specimens of style from various American orators. Together with an ap- 
pendix, containing the original Articles of Confederation of the United 
States, the Constitution, the celebrated Virginia and Kentucky Resolutions, 
and other documents of reference. By an Ex-Member of th^ Philadelphia 
Bar, 12mo., cloth. Price $1 50 

That's It ; or, Plain Teacliing. By the author of '* Inquire 

Within," "The Reason Why," etc. Illustrated with over 1200 wood-cuts. 
12mo., cloth, gilt side and back. This book is a perfect encyclopedia of 
universal information upon things common and uncommon, found in na- 
ture, art and science. The whole visible world is swept within the circuit 
of its touch, and the subjects are illustrated by wood engravings of an ex- 
cellent character, done in a high style of that art. It is a library in itself, 
and to a lad or miss of an inquiring turn of mind, it is a perfect Aladdin's 
palace of useful and interesting information. Price $1 50 

The EeasoTi Why: K'atural History. By the author of 

" Inquire Within," " The Biblical Reason Why," etc. This volume an- 
swers about 1,500 questions, giving Reasons for hundreds of curious and 
interesting facts in connection with Natural History, and throwing a light 
upon the peculiar habits and instincts of the various orders of the Animal 
Kingdom. More real knowledge can be obtained from this book than from 
twenty dry works on the same subject. 
12mo. , cloth, gilt side and back. Price SI 50 

Biblical Eeascn Why, A Hand-book for Biblical Stu- 
dents, and a Guide to Family Scripture Readings. Beautifully illustrated. 
Large 12mo., cloth, gilt side and back. This work gives 1,494 Reasons, 
founded upon the Bible, and assigned by the most eminent Divines and 
Christian Philosophers, for the great and all-absorbing events recorded in 
the History of the Bible, the Life of our Saviour and the Acts of his Apos- 
tles. Price SI 50 

The Lady's Manual of Fancy Work. A Complete In- 
structor in every variety of Ornamental Needle-work, with a list of mate- 
rials and hints for their selection ; advice on making up and trimming. By 
Mrs. PuLLAN, Director of the Work-table of Frank Leslie's Magazine, etc. 
Illustrated with over 300 engravings, by the best artists, with eight large 
jjattern j)latcs, elegantly x^rinted in colors, on tinted paper. Large octavo, 
beautifully bound in cloth, with gilt side and back stamp. Price.. . .S2 00 

Harp of a Thousand String's ; oi\ Laughter for a Lifetime. 

A large book of nearly 400 pages. By the author of Mrs. Partington's 
Carpet-bag of Pun. liound in a handsome gilt cover; ocntaining more 
than a million laughs, and crowded full of funny stories, besides being 
illustrated with over 200 comical engravings, by Darley, McLennan, Bcllew, 
etc. Price SI 50 

The Dictionary of Love. Contalninn^ a Definition of all 

the Terras used in Courtship, witli rare quotations from Poets of all Na- 
tions, together with sixicimeiis of curious Model Love Letters, and many 
other interesting matters appertaining to Love, never before published. 
12uio., cloth, gilt side and back. Price SI 50 



Popular Books sent Fres of Postage at the Prices annezed. 
Barton's Comic Eecitations and Humorous Dialogues. 

Containing a variety ol Comic Recitations in Prose and Poetry, Amnsing 
Dialogues, Burlesque Scenes, Eccentric Orations and btump bijeeches, Hu- 
morous Interludes and Laughable Farces, designed lor fechool Commence- 
ments and Amateur Theatrica.ls. Edited by Jerome Earton. 

180 pages, paper. Price SO cts- 

Boards 50 cts. 

Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque 

Orations. Also containing Humorous Lectures, Ethiopian Dialogues, Plan- 
tation Scenes, Negro Farces and Burlesques, Laughable Interludes and Com- 
ic Eecitations, interspersed with Dutch, Irish, French and Yankee Stories. 

Edited by John F. JScott. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound m boaras, illuminated 50 ets. 

Wilson's Book of Eecitations and Dialogues. With In- 
structions in Elocution and Declamation. Containing a choice selection of 
Poetical and Prose Eecitations and Original Colloquies. Designed as a 
Heading Book for Classes, and as an Assistant to Teachers and Students in 
preparing , Exhibitions. By Floyd B. Wilson, Professor of Elocution. 

186 pages, 16mo., paper covers. Price 30 ctS. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 ctS. 

Spencer's Book of Comic Speeches and Humorous Eeci- 

tions- ^ collection of Comic Speeches and Dialogues, Humorous Prose and 
Poetical Eecitations, Laughable Dramatic Scenes and Burlesques, and Ec- 
centric Characteristic Soliloquies and Stories. Suitable for School Exhibi- 
tions and Evening Entertainments. Edited by Albert J. Spencer. 

192 pages, ISmo., paper covers. Price 30 ctS. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 ctS. 

Frost's Dialogues for Young Folks. A collection of Orig- 
inal Moral and Humorous Dialogues. Adapted to the use of School and 
Church Exhibitions, Family G-atherings, and Juvenile Celebrations. By 
S. A. Frost, author of " The Parlor Stage." Paper covers. Price... 30 CtS. 
Bound in boards, cloth back, side in colors 50 cts* 

Amateur Theatricals, and Fairy-Tale Dramas. A collec- 
tion of Original Plays, expressly designed for Drawing-room perforaianoe. 
By S. A. Frost. This work is designed to meet a want, which has been long 
felt, of short and amusing pieces suitable to th-e limited stage of the private 

parlor. 16mo., 188 pages, paper covers. Price $Q cts. 

Boards, cloth back 50 cts* 

Parlor Theatricals; or, Winte?- Em^lnnH^ Enterfaimnt^vt. A 
collection of Dramatic Amusements and Comic Plays. Illustrated with 

cuts and diagrams. Paper covers. Price ' 30 ctS- 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 gtg. 

.The Parlor Stage. A collection of Drawing-Eoom Pro- 
verbs, Charades and Tableaux Yivants. By Miss S.- A. Frost. These plays 
are intended solely for performance by a small party of friends, in private 
parlors, and require but little trouble or expense to' render them effective. 
368 pages, small octavo, cloth, gilt side and back. Price SI 50 

Frost's Book of Tableaux. Containing IGO Tableaux 

Vivants, with directions for arranging the stage, costuming the characters, 
and forming appropriate groups. By S. Annie Frost, author of "The 
Parlor Stage, "Amateur Theatricals," e\Q. To those who desire to c:et up 
an evening's entertainment, this book will prove an invaluable assistant. 

Paper covers. Price 30 cts 

Bound in boards, cloth back \\,\ 50 cts 



Popular Books seat Free of Postage at the Prices annexed 
Day's Americaii Eeady-Eeekoner. Containing Tables for 

rapid calculation of ag'gi-egate vpJues, wages, salaries, board, interest 
moaey, elc. Also, tables ot timber, plank, board and lo^ measurements, 
with lull explanations how to measure them, either by the square toot, 
(board measure), or cubic foot, (timber measure.) Ail the tables are origi- 
nal and reliable. 

Bound in boards. Price 53 ^tg^ 

Bound in cloth, gilt side a,nd back Y5 Q^p* 

Bound in leather tucks (pocket-book style] ! gi QQ 

Brisbane's Golden Eeady-Reckoner ; or, LigJitmng Oakula- 

tor. A valuable assistant to Farmers, Traders and Housekeepers, in buy- 
ing or selling all kinds of commodities. 
Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 35 cts. 

-.rost's Original Letter-¥/riter. A complete collection of 

Original Letters and Notes, upon every imaginable subject of Every-Day 
Life, embracing 300 l^etters and Notes. To which is added a Comprehensive 
Table of Synonyms. By S. A. Fkost, author of " The Parlor Stage." 
202 pages, boards, cloth back, side in colors. Price 50 ctS. 

Horth's Book of Love Letters. \¥itli directions how to i 

v/rite and when to use them, and 120 specimen Letters, suitable for Lovers I 
of any age and condition, and under all circumstances. By Ingoi-dsby 

North. Bound in cloth. Price 75 cts. 

Bound in boards : 50 CtS- 

Hillgrove's Eali-Eoom Guide and Complete Dancing Mas- 
ter- With easy directions for calling out the figures of any dance. Illus- 
trated with 176"descriptive engravings anddiagrcams. By Thos. ±£illgeove, 

Protessor of Dancinsr. Bound in boards, clofh back. Price 75 Ct3. 

Bound in cloth, gilt sides SI 00 

The Young Eeporter; or, How to Write Shorf-IIand. A 
Com^plete Phonographic Teacher, intended as a School-Book, to altbrd thor- 
ough instructions to those who have not the assistance of an Oral Teacher. 
By the aid of this work, any person of most ordinary intelligence may learn 
to write Short-Hand, and report Speeches and Sermons, in a short time. 
Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 ctS- 

Martine's Sensible Letter- Writer. Containing 300 Sensi- 
ble J-ictters and Notes on the simplest matters of life, adapted to all ages 
and conditions. Model Letters on any subject may be found in this book. 
By AiiTHUR Martine. 

207 pages. Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 cts. 

Cloth, gilt side and back 75 ctS. 

Martine's Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True 

Politeness. A complete Ivranual for all those who desire to understand 
goo I breeding, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and vul- 
gar habits. Jiy Arthur Martine. 

Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 ctS- 

Cloth, gilt side and back 75 C ts. 

Martine's Letter- Writer and Book of Etiquette Combined. 

Being both of the above books printed on fine paper and bound in o"f^ ^■^^^- 
ume. Cloth, gilt. Price bl 50 

The Perfect Gentleman. A Book of American Etiqncate. 
ContjiiTUTig Model Speeches for all occasions, with directions how to ^'^^\^^'}^^ 
theni, Tabic Wit and Conversation, elc. 12nio., cloth. Price Si DU 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at tlie Prices annesed. 

The Modern Pocket Iioyle. Containing all the Games of 
Skill an«l Chance, as played in this country at the i)rosenfc time ; being "An 
authority on all disputed points." By " Trumps." This valuable manual 
is ail ong-inal, or thoroug'hiy revised from the best and latest authorities, 
and includes the laws and complete directions for playing one hundred and 
eleven diiferent Games — comprising Card Games, Chess, Checkers, Domi- 
noes, Backgammon, Dice, Billiards, and all the Eield Games. 

16mo., 388 pages, paper covers. Price 50 cts. 

Boards 75 cts. 

Cloth, gilt sides ^1 25 

Sarey and Knowlson's Complete Eorse-Tamer and Farrier. 

A new and improved edition, containing Mr. Rarey's whole Secret of Sub- 
duing and Breaking Vicious Horses, together with his Improved Plan of 
Managing Young Colts, and breaking them to the Saddle, the Harness and 
the Suikey. Also, The Complete pArvRiER ; or. Horse Doctor ; a Guide for 
the Treatment of Horses in all Diseases to which that noble animal is liable, 
being the result of fifty years' extensive practice of the author, John C. 
Knowlron. Illustrated with descriptive Engravings. 
Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 ctS- 

"Trumps'" American Ilojle; or, Gentleman^ s Hand-Bool of 
Gam^s. Containing clear and complete descriptions of all the Games played 
in the United State's, with the American Pi,ules for playing them. The wlioie 
contains 525 pages, is printed on fine white paper, bound in cloth, v\'ith 
beveled edges, and is profusely illustrated v/ith engravings explaining the 
dilferent Games. 

Price S2 00 

Half calf, marble edges 4 00 

Spayth's Dranghts or Checkers for Beginners. Being a 

comprehensive Guide for those who desire to learn the Game. Tliis treatise 
was written by Henry Spayth, the celebrated player, and is by far the 
most complete and instructive elementary work on Draughts ever published. 
Small octavo, cloth. Price .* \ 75 cts. 

The Game of Draughts or Checkers, Simplified and Ex- 
plained. "With Practical Diagrams and Illustrations, together with a 
Checker-board, numbered and printed in red. Containing the eighteen 
standard games, with over 200 of the best variations. By D. Scatter good. 
Bound in cloth, with flexible cover. Price 50 ctS. 

Marache's Manual of Chess. Containing Preliminary 
Games for Beginners, fifty Openings of Games, giving all the latest discov- 
eries of modern masters, with best Games and Copious Notes, Endings of 
Games, Problems, Diagrams, etc. By N. Marache. 

Cloth, gilt side. Price 75 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts* 

Buncan's Masonic Ritual and Monitor; or, Guide to the 

Tliree Symbolic Degrees of the Ancient York Bite. And to the Degrees of 
Mark Master, Past Master, Most Excellent Master, and the Eoyal Arch. 
Containing all the Lectures, etc. By Malcolm C. Duncan. 

Bound in cloth. Price ". $/? 50 

Leather tucks (pocket-book style) with colored edges 3 00 

Richardson's Monitor of Freemasonry. A Complete Guide 

to the various Ceremonies and Boutine in Freemasons' Lodges, Chapters, 
Encampments, Hierarchies, etc. 

Paper covers. Price 50 ct**. 

Cloth, gilt, ^ 00 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 



Walker's Ehyming', Spelling and Pronouncing Diction- 
ary of tlie English Language. Containing- 



I. The, whole Language arranged ac- 
cording to Us terinination. 

IT. Every Wqrd explained and di- 
vided into Syllables^ exactly as pro- 
nounced. 

III. Midtiludes of \Vordi<. liable to a 
double pronunciation, fixed in their 
true sound by a Jiliyme. 



IV. Many of the most difficult Words 
rendered easy to be pronounced, by 
being classed according to their end- 
ings. 

V. Numerous classes of Words as- 
certained in their pronunciation, by 
distinguishing them into perfect, nearly 
perfect, and allowable Rhymes. 



To which is added critical and practical Observations on Orthoo-raphj^ 
Syllabication, Pronunciation, an Index of Allowable Rhymes, Avith Author- 
ities for their usage, etc. 
Royal 12mo., 700 pages. Price <^3 qq 

Every Woman Her Own Lawyer. A Private Guide to all 

matters of Law, of essential interest to Women, and by the aid of which 
every Female may, in whatever situation, understand her legal course and 
redress, and be her own Legal Adviser. By George Bishop. Large 12mo., 
nearly 400 pages, bound in halt leather. This book should be in the hands 
of every woman, young or old, married or single, in the United States. 
Price gl 50 

Laughing Gas. An Encyclopedia of Yfit, Wisdom and 
Wind. By Sam Slick, Jk. Comically illustrated with 100 original and 
laughable Engravings, and nearly 500 side-extendrng Jokes, and other 
things to get tat on ; and the best of it is, that everything about the book 
is new and fresh— all new— new designs, new stories, new type — no comic 
almanac stuff. It will be found a complete antidote to " hard times." 
Price 25 cts. 

10,000 Wonderful Things. Comprising the Marvellous 
and Hare, Odd, Curious, Quaint, Eccentric and Extraordinary, in all Ages 
and Nations, in Art, Nature and Science, including many Wonders of the 
World, enriched with hundreds of Authentic Illustrations. 
12mo., cloth, gilt side and back. Price ^1 50 

William H. Lingard's On the Beach at Long Branch 

Song Book. Containing all his Original Songs, and a complete collection 
of the Songs sung by the great and inimitable Impersonator, William 
Horace Lingard, including the Music of his principal Songs. 
Illuminated cover, 128 pages. Price 25 CtS. 

The Game of Whist. Rules, Directions and Maxims to be 
observed in playing it. Containing, also. Primary Rules for Beginners, 
Explanations and Directions for Old Players, and the Laws of the Game. 
Compiled from Hoyle and Matthews. 
Price 12 cts» 

The Corner Cupboard ; or, Facts for Everybody. By the 

Author of "Inquire Within." Large 12mo., 400 pages, cloth, gilt side and 

back. Illustrated with over one thousand Engravings. 

Price ^150 

Book of 1,000 Tales and Amusing Adventures. Contain- 
ing over 300 Engravings, and 450 pages. This is a magnificent book, and is 
crammed full of narratives and adventuros. 
Pvicp ^1 56 



Popular Books sont Free of Postage at tlie Prices annexed. 
The Courtship and Adventures of Jonathan Homebred ; 

or^ The Sa-apcs and Escapes of a Live Yankee. BeaatiiuUy Iliustratecl. 
12mo., ciotli. This book is printed in iiandsome style, on good paxjer, and 
with amusing engravings. 
Price ..gl 50 

The Wizard of the iMorth's Hand-Book of [Natural 

Magic. Being a series of the Newest Tricks of Deception, aiTanged tbr 
Amai..ears and Lovers of the Art. By Professor J. H. A^'Di:RS0N, the great 
Wizard of the Korth. 
Piioe 25 CtS. 

The Encyclopedia of Popular Songs. Being a compila- 
tion of ail the new and fashionable Patriotic, Sentimental, Ethiopian, 
Humorous, Comic and Convivial Songs, the whole comprising o\er 400 
songs. 
12mo., cloth, gilt. Price SI 25 

Tony Pastor's Book of 600 Comic Songs and Speeches. 

Being an entire collection of all the Humorous Songs, Stump Speeches, 
Burlesque Orations, JTunny Scenes, Comic Duets, Diverting Dialogues, and 
Local Lyrics, as sung and given by the unrivaJed Comic Vocalist and Stump 
Orator, Tony Pastop.. 
Bound in boards, cloth back $1 00 

Yale College Scrapes ; or, Hoio the Boys Go It at Ntw Iluun. 
This IS a book of 114 pages, containing accounts ot all the noted and fa- 
mous " Scrapes " and " Sprees," of which students at Old Yale have been 
guilty for the last quarter of a centurv. 

Price : 25cts. 

The Comic English Grammar; or^ A Complete Grammar of 

our Language, iviih Comic Examples. Illustrated willi about fifty engrav- 
ings. Price I . . 25 cts. 

The Comical Adventures of David Buincks. Illustrated 

with over one hundred Funny Engravings. Larc'e octavo. 

Price : 25 CtS. 

Anecdotes of Love. Being a true account of tlie most re- 
markable events connected with the History of Love in all Ages and among 
ail Nations. By Lola Montez, Countess of Landsleidt. 
Large l2mo., cloth. Price SI 50 

Tony Pastor's Complete Budget of Comic S.ngs. Con- 

tammg a complete collection of the New and Original Songs, Burlesque 
Orations, Stump Speeches, Comic Dialogues, Pathetic Ballads, as sung and 
given bv the celebrated Vocalist, Tony Pastor. 
Cloth, gilt. Price gl 25 

The Laughable Adventures of Messrs. Erown, Jones and 

Kobinson. Showing where they went and how they went ; what they did 

and hov/ they did it. With nearly two hundred most thrillingly comic 

engravings. 

Price 30 ct?. 

Be Walden's Ball-Eoorji Companion; or, Dar^chuj M<uh^ 

Easy. A. collection of the Fcishionable Drawing-Ptoom Dances, with lull 
directions lor dancing all the figures of " The German," By Emtle Dr War- 
den, Professor of Dancing. Bound in boards, cloth back. ! 50 ctS.. 



Popular Song Books, sent Free of Postap^e. Price Ten Cents each. 
MEW §OMO B002i§. 

This list of Song Books contains all kinds of Songs, embracing- Love, Senti- 
mental, Ethiopian, Scotch, Irish, Convivial, Comic, Patriotic, Pathetic, and 
.Dutch Songs, besides a great variety of Stump Speeches, Burlesque Orations 
Plantation Scenes, Irish, Dutch, and Yankee Stories, Comic Recitations Co- 
nundrums and Toasts. ' 

HARIIY RICHMOND'S MY YOUNG WIPE AND I SONGSTER. 10 Cts 

HARRY ROBINSON'S DON'T YOU WISH YOU WAS ME SONGSTER 10 - * 

JOHNNY V/ILD'S WHAT AM I DOING SONGSTER *10 - 

BUBLL'S KU-KLUX-KLAN SONGSTER. 10 " 

FRANK KERN'S PRETTY LITTLE DEAR SONGSTER '. iQ ^' 

HARRY RICHMOND'S NOT-FOR-JOSEPH SONGSTER 10 ^' 

DAVE REED'S SALLY-COME- UP SONGSTEK 10 *' 

THE ROOTLE-TUM TOOTLE-TUM TAY SONGSTER.. 10 '* 

SAM SLICK'S YANKEE SONGSTER 10 " 

CHAMPAGNE CHARLEY SONGSTER 10'' 

JENNY ENGEL'S DEAR LITTLE SHAMROCK SONGSTER 10 " 

BILLY EMERSON'S NEW COMIC SONGSTER ""lO '' 

BERRY'S LAUGH AND GROW FAT SONGSTER.... 10 '' 

TONY PASTOR'S BOWERY SONGSTER 10 *' 

TONY' PASTOR'S WATER-FALL SONGSTER .'." "..' io '' 

TONY PASTOR'S 444 COMBINATION SONGSTER "lO '' 

TONY PASTOR'S OPERA-HOUSE SONGSTER "lO'' 

TONY PASTOR'S CARTE DE YISITE SONGSTER 10 '' 

TONY PASTOR'S GREAT SENSATION SONGSTER 10 '' 

TONY PASTOR'S OWN COMIC YOCALIST.. 10 '' 

TONY PASTOR'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER, 10 '^ 

TONY PASTOR'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 '' 

TONY PASTOR'S UNION SONGSTER 10 " 

PADDY'S THE BOY SONGSTER 10 " 

BONNY DUNDEE SONGSTER 10 " 

WILL CARLETON'S DANDY PAT SONGSTER 10 ^' 

BILLY EMERSON'S NANCY FAT SONGSTER 10 '' 

HOOLEY'S OPERA HOUSE SONGSTER 10 " 

SAM SHARPLEY'S IRON-CLAD SONGSTER 10 '* 

JOE ENGLISH'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 " 

RODY MAGUIRE'S COMIC YARIETY SONGSTER 10 '' 

HARRY PELL'S EBONY SONGSTER... 10 '' 

FRANK BROWER- S BLACK DIAMOND SONGSTER 10 '^ 

FRANK CONVERSE'S OLD CREMONA SONGSTER 10 '' 

NELSE SEYMOUR'S BIG SHOE SONGSTER... ..10 '' 

THE LANIGAN'S BALL SONGSTER 10 ^' 

TOM MOORE'S IRISH MELODIES 10 '' 

BILLY HOLMES' COMIC LOCAL LYRICS 10 '' 

FATTIE STEWART'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 '' 

CHRISTY'S BONES AND BANJO SONGSTER 10 ^' 

GEORGE CHRISTTS ESSENCE OF OLD KENTUCKY 10 -' 

CHRISTY'S NEW SONGSTER AND BLACK JOKER 10 '' 

THE CONVIVIAL SONGSTER 10 " 

HEART AND HOME SONGSTER 10 " 

BOB HART'S PLANTATION SONGSTER 10 '' 

BILLY BIRCH'S ETHIOPIAN SONGSTER 10 ^' 

THE SHAMROCK; on, SoNos OP Ireland lO " 

HARRISON'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 " 

THE CxVMP-FIRE SONG BOOK 10 '' 

THE CHARLEY O'M ALLEY IRISH SONGSTER lO '* 

FKED MAY'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 '* 

THE LOVE AND SENTIMENTAL SONGSTER 10 '^ 

THPl IRISH BOY AND YANKEE GIRL SONGSTER 10 '' 

THE FRISKY IRISH SONGSTER 10 '' 

CUS SHAW'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 " 

WOOD'S MINSTREL SONG BOOK 10 *' 

WOOD'S NEW PLANTATION MELODIES 10 " 



Popiilar Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annezed. 
Spayth's Draughts or Checkers for Beginners. Being a 

comprehensive Guide for those who desire to learn the Game. This trctitise 
Avas written by Hekky Spayth, the celebrated pkiyer, and :s by lar the 
most complete and inslmctive elementary work on Draughts ever published. 
It is profusely illustrated with diagrams of iugenious stratagems, curious 
positions, and perplexing problems, and contains a great variety of inter- 
esting and instructive Games, progressively arranged and clearly explained 
with notes, so tha,t the learner miay easily comprehend them. "With the 
aid of this valuable Manual, a beginner may^^oon master the theory of 
Checkers, and will only require a little practice to become proficient in the 
Game. Cloth, gilt side. Price 75 Cts. 

The Reason Why of General Science. A careful collec- 
tion of iome thousands of Eeasons for thmgs, which, though generally 
known, are imperfectly understood. Being a book of Condensed .Sc-- 
cntilic Knowledge. It is a complete Encyclopedia of Science; and per- 
sons who have never had the advantage of a liberal education may, by the 
aid of this volume, acquire knowledge which the study of years only would 
impart in the ordinary course. It explains everything in Science that can 
be thought of, and the whole is airanged with a full index. A large vol- 
ume ot 346 pages, bound in muslin, gilt, and illustrated with numerous 
■wood-cuts. Price SI 50 

De Walden's Ball-room Companion ; or, Danccnfj Made 

Easy. A Complete Practical Instructor in the art of Dancing, containing 
all the fashionable and approved Dances, directions tor calling the Figures, 
etc. By Emile De Waedex, Teacher of Dancing. This book gives in- 
struction in Deportment, Budiments aud Positions, Bows and Courtesies, 
Fancy Dancing, Quadrilles, "Waltzes, Minuets, Jigs, STumish Dances, Pol- 
ka, Schottische, Galop, Deux Temps, Danish, Bedowa, Varsovienne, Hop, 
etc., together with ail the newest ATaltzes and Quadrilles iii vogue. It also 
contains complete directions for all the figures of the celebrated " German" 
or Cotillion. Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 cts- 

The Game of Draughts, or Checkers, Shn-plificd and Ex- 
plained. "With practical Diagrams and Illustrations, together with a 
Checker-Board, numbered and printed in red. Containing the Eighteen 
Standard Games, with over 200 of the best variations, gelected from the 
various authors, together with m.any original ones never betore published. 

By D. SCATTEKGOOD. 

Bound in cloth, with flexible covers. Price 50 Cts. 

Courteney's Dictionary of Abbreviations ; Literary, Scien- 
tific, Commercial, Ecclesiastical, Military, Naval, Legal and Medical. A 
hook of reference — 3,000 abbreviations— for the solution of ail literary mys- 
teries. By Edward S. C. Courteney, Esq. This is a very useful book. 
Everybody should get a copy. Price * - . . 12 cts. 

How to Detect Adulteration in Our Daily Food and Drink. 

A complete analysis of the frauds and deceptions practised upon articles 
of consumption, by storekeepers and manufacturers; with full (directions 
to detect genuine from, spurious, bv simple and inexpensive means. 
Price 12 cts. 

Blunders in Behavior Corrected, A Concise Code of De- 
portment for both sexes. Price 12 cts« 

"It will polish and reiine either sex, and is Chesterfield superseded." — 

Home Companion. 

Five Hundred French Phrases. Adapted for those who 

aspire to speak and write French correctly. Price ^ . . 12 cts. 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 

The Sociable ; or, One Thousand aiid One Home Ammenmits. 
Containing Acting Proverbs, Charades, Musical Burlesques, Tableaux 
Yivants, Parlor (xames, Forfeits, Parlor Magic, and a choice collection of 
curious mental and mechanical puzzles, etc. Illustrated with eng-raving-s 
and diagrams. 
12mo., cloth, gilt side staxniD. Price ^1 5Q 

Frank Converse's Complete Banjo Instructor, without a 

Master.- Containing a choice collection of Banjo Solos, Hornpipes, Reels, 
Oigs, Walk-Arounds-, Songs and Banjo Stories, ijrogressively arranged and 
plainly e.^iplained, enabling the learner to become a proiicient banjoist with- 
out the aid of a teacher. Illustrated with diagrams and explanatory sym- 
bols. 100 pages. Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 cts. 

The Magician's Own Book. Containing several hundred 
amusing Sleight-of-hand and Card Tricks, Perplexing Puzzles, Entertain- 
ing Tricks and Secret Writing Explained. Illustrated with over 500 wood 
engravings. 
12mo., cloth, gilt side and back stamp. Price ^1 50 

The Secret Out ; ^7% One Tlioum.nd Tricks loUh Cards. A book 
which explains all the Tricks and Deceptions with Playing Cards ever 
kijown or invented. Illustrated with over 360 engravings.* 
398 pages, 12mo., cloth, gilt side. Price SI 50 

Book of Eiddles and 500 Home Amusements. Containing 

all kinds of Curious Riddles, Amusing Puzzles, Queer Sleights and Enter- 
taining Recreations in Science, for Family and Social Pastime. Illustrated 

with GO engravings. Paper covers. Price 30 ctS- 

Bound in boards,^cloth back 50 ctS- 

Parbr Tricks with Cards. Containing explanations of all 
the Deceptions with Playing Cards ever invented. The whole illustrated 
and made easy with 70 engravings. 

Paper covers. Price 30 cts- 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. 

The Book of Fireside Games. Containing a description 
of the most Entertaining Games suited to the Family Circle as a Recrea- 
tion. Paper covers. Price 30 cts- 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 ctS- 

The Play-E-OOm ; or, In-Dnor Onmef^ for Boysand Olrh. Small 
octavo, profusely illustrated with 197 fine wood-cuts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 cts. 

Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 cts. 

The Play-Ground; or, Out- Dor GameH for Boys. A book of 
healthy recreations for youth. Containing over 100 Amusements. Illus- 
trated with 124 fine wood -cuts. . 

Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 ctg. 

Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 Cts, 

The Parlor Magician ; or. One Hundred Trid'>i for the Draw- 
ing-Rnom. Illustrated and clearly explained, with 121 engravings. 

Paper rovers. VrWxi 30 cts. 

Boards, cloth back • 50 CtS- 

The Book of 500 Curious Puzzles. Containing all kinds 

of entertaining Paradoxes, Deceptions in Numbers, etc. Illustrated with 

numewus engravings. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boaras, cloth ])ack 50 CtS. 



Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: Nov. 2007 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

1 1 1 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township. PA 1 6066 
(724)779-2111 



lliSiiMiiiffi?^^^! 

.0 021 400 592 A 



